I can do tough

This week has been a very difficult week for me. I am dealing with some things that I don't quite feel comfortably sharing here... but I can share that my eyes feel very heavy this morning from the amount of crying I did last night. Thankfully it does not involve Steve or Jack just so I don't worry anyone. They're doing well, laughing, and kicking up a storm.

But I am facing various storms and trials around me. Not easy storms that will pass quickly, but the big, ugly ones that stick around for a while. The ones where you know upfront the road is not going to be short or easy.

Normally I would shy away from this type of trial. I would've repeatedly asked the Lord to miraculously make it go away. That I would wake up one morning and the problem(s) would be completely vanished in His mighty name. After all He has the power to do that right? I believe He does.

But I find myself with a different attitude today knowing that this one is not going away anytime soon. And to my surprise I'm ok with that. Not only am I ok with that, but I am ready to face it head on with all I have. Yes, come on storm give me all you've got! Bring on the rain even if it pours.

I think it was Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) that wrote on her blog 'I can do tough'. Today I feel the exact same way.

Now I don't like it and this is not the way I would've done things if I was in charge (thankfully I'm not). But with each new trial I grow in confidence that if I hold on the Lord, He will come through for me and those I'm praying for. And I guess that makes me a little bit less scared and gives me courage when I feel weary.

"Finally be strong in the Lord and His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm then with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayer and requests. With this in mind be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints"

Ephesians 6:10-18

Griefshare

Every Thursday night I go to 'Celebrate Recovery' an awesome ministry our church has. This is a Christ-centered 12 step study (kind of like AA) but it is to surrender any type of hurt, habit, or hang up. I have found incredible healing over too many things to list here and made wonderful friendships over the years.

As I was driving to CR last night I felt a tug in my heart to go to 'Griefshare' instead. This is a 13 week study on grief for people who have lost a loved one. I knew it would be hard to hear the stories that would be shared, and for me to face again the pain I experienced. It certainly is much easier to not talk about Andrew and relive that pain. What kind of saddistic person am I? I thought. Why would I want to talk about Andrew, cry, and hear the sad stories of other people so I can cry even more? I must be going crazy... Yep I officially need professional help.

But I am so incredibly glad I went.

First we watched a short video on what was considered 'normal grieving

Denial- Check
Anger with God- Check
Guilt- Definitely check
Relief- Difficult to admit, but check. I was surprised to hear this was a normal grieving emotion.

After the video we shared about the loss of our loved ones. It was good to talk to people who understood how I felt. It was wonderful to have a chance to share about Andrew's short life with others. They did not shy away from pain.

Now it was not easy to be there and hear some of these stories. I talked to a widow who had just lost her husband of 20 years 2 weeks ago. She was teary eyed the entire time and in the midst of her grief. My heart broke for her, but I was glad she was there and seeking encouragement.

Sharing Andrew's story made me relive my emotions at the hospital. I cried but with every tear there was also healing. That is one of the things I learned there as well.

Now I thought Steve and I had done a good job of grieving specially those first couple of months. And I think we did ok, I know everyone grieves differently. But after going to Griefshare I really wish I would've joined a group like this back then! It would've been so beneficial. If I had heard the emotions other people where experiencing perhaps I wouldn't have felt so guilty and somewhat crazy for so long.

Griefshare is a great resource for small groups, daily emails, and other resources on grieving.

Thank you for reading this post. Hope this is of encouragement to you or someone you know!