Unanswered Prayers

As I shared on my previous post, the first few months of adjusting to two haven't been easy for me. I am writing this post because after feeling frustrated on unaswered prayers these first few months, I finally had a moment with God that brought me much comfort. I hope it will be of encouragement to somebody else!

I was driving home from Anna Maria Island the night of July 4th. We had been there for the day, and Steve and Jack stayed a few extra days to spend with family and enjoy the beach. I knew it would be too much for Palmer so we headed back that same day.

Now he cried the entire ride down and back. It wasn't a fuss, or even a loud cry. It was a continous wail that wouldn't stop. If he could talk he would've said something along the lines of "'Please rescue me from this horrible torture! I can't take it anymore!''. He cried so hard that he started choking on his own saliva. He pooped both times out of distress.

Before leaving Anna Maria I asked my friend Kindra to pray with me for Palmer for a better ride back. I didn't expect it would be a perfect ride, but I did hope it would be better.

But the ride back was much worse. I didn't want to stop because it was getting dark and I didn't feel safe by myself with a newborn. So I kept praying.

But it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and pulled over on the side of I-75 to calm him down. I changed his diaper and nursed him in the front seat until he finally calmed down.

I sat there in tears frustrated at God. It wasn't just THIS unanswered prayer. It was a combination of unanswered prayers over the last few months that had been building up. He had been quite silent since Palmer arrived.

Lord please let Palmer sleep tonight so that I can have energy tomorrow to care for both of them. Surely you want me to have energy to care for them right? And sure enough Palmer was up all night and I was exhausted the next day.

Lord please let Palmer take a long nap this afternoon so I can spend time with Jack. I haven't been spending as much time with him lately. Surely you think that is a good thing right? After all he's been pretty neglected. Palmer didn't nap well those first few months giving me very little time to spend with Jack.

Lord please do not let Palmer wake up Steve so he can be rested for tomorrow. He has so much going
on at work already this would already add to his stress. Surely you want him to be rested? The night I pleaded with the Lord outside our house holding Palmer crying, Steve was up most of the night with me trying to get him to stop.

I had come to the point where I was angry at God.

God how can you not hear me? Why have you been so silent? Do you not see how much pain I'm in hearing Palmer cry this way? Does it even bother you?

In that very moment I realized this

From Palmer's perspective he was in great distress, but from my perspective he was perfectly safe. As overwhelming and uncomfortable these first few months have been- I am still perfectly safe as Palmer was in that carseat. I may FEEL like I am going to simply not make it some days, but the reality is that God knows exactly where I am and he is driving the car to get me where He wants me to be.

I also realized just as I have compassion on my son's cry, God has the same compassion when He hears my cry. I could've relieved Palmer from his cry earlier, but I knew the best thing for both of us was to keep on driving even though my heart was breaking. From Palmer's perspective he probably felt abandoned or that I just didn't care enough to hold him in my arms. It wasn't that I didn't care. It was simply part of the journey.

That night was a turning point for me. My prayers started changing after this day little by little!

I still have moments when I get frustrated at Him and wonder what He is up to. But when I do, I try to remember this night and meditate on the fact that He DOES care, even though He may not come to my rescue right away.

I am in awe of a God that knows me and hears my cry.

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Update:

There were a couple of things that I left off from the original post.

That night as I was driving I remember trying to sing really loud from the front seat, hoping that Palmer would hear me and know that I was near. He was crying so hard that he wasn't able to hear me, and I kept thinking maybe if he slows down enough and hears my voice he would be able to calm down. I then realized how often those first few months I was busy complaining and crying to God, but never quieted down enough to hear Him. Such an eye opening moment for me in many ways!

At about three months we tried a different carseat, and low and behold it made a HUGE difference! This new carseat (which a dear friend lent me) had a bigger incline and larger vents in the back. It might seem insignificant, but since then I have never picked up Palmer drenched in sweat again. He is not nearl as hot, and he can fall asleep easier because it is more horizontal. It may be because he is getting older to, but this other carseat has been a night and day difference. So glad he does well in it (most times) and can fall asleep much easier in it too.