On Andrew's 14th Birthday


Today marks 14 years from the day we welcomed Andrew. For the most part our life feels full right now, and we no longer feel the deep sadness of those first few years. I still long to keep his memory alive and it brings me joy to know others still remember him too. I still wrestle with how his life turned out, but I hold on tightly to believing God was always in control and had a special purpose for his short life.


This year I felt I had nothing to offer, nothing to share, nothing insightful about Andrew's short life. But I strongly felt led to write something in his memory. I prayed and asked God for help, and he brought a story involving Andrew that has always brought me great hope. So here it goes.


Two months after Andrew passed away, Steve and I decided to take a trip to Europe. It had always been a dream of mine and we wanted to get away in hope of a refreshed perspective. It was very spontaneous and last minute (it was not like us to do this, we always plan!), but we took a chance and the two of us went off for ten days to Europe. We visited Munich, Florence, Tuscany, Rome and Venice. 





We were not only grieving the loss of Andrew, but we were also wondering what our future would look like. At the time we didn't know what had caused Andrew to be so sick, and there was a very good chance he had died from a genetic disorder. If that was the case, there was a much higher chance that if we ever had children again, they would also have the same genetic disorder. If that was the case our future seemed very different from what we had pictured just a few months earlier. While we smiled for the pictures, I felt very hopeless that our life could ever be restored again. 





And it was in the beautiful green mountains of northern Rome that I opened my bible (I carried around a small travel bible most days) and this verse jumped out at me:


But now listen, Jacob, my servant,

Israel, whom I have chosen.

This is what the Lord says—

he who made you, who formed you in the womb,

and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,

Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,

and streams on the dry ground.

Isaiah 44





This bible verse brought me hope. It reminded me that whether or not Andrew had a genetic disorder, it was God who makes us, he forms us in the womb. My hope wasn't on the results from Andrew's autopsy. My hope wasn't on myself or my efforts to make my life whole again. I could find rest in knowing God saw my pain in that moment and he answered my deepest question.

He knew my fears about the future, and he reminded me that I needed not to be afraid.

              He knew life felt empty and dry, but he reminded me he had the ability to change that.





I held on to this bible verse. I knew it wasn't a guarantee or promise God was giving me, but it brought me hope. Even now as I have wrestle with new fears about the future for our children, I go back to this verse to remind me of God's truth: He sees me, He loves me, and He is in control. 


Happy 14th Birthday Andrew! Until we see you again.