About 3 months after Andrew passed away a friend gave me a copy of the World Wide Christian magazine. She had read an article about Molly Ann Mutz, an amazing little girl who went to be with Jesus after living for only 7 short days. I read a wonderful story of faith by Rebecca and Jacob Mutz which greatly encouraged me.
Rebecca (Molly’s mom) and I had very similar stories. We were both Christians. We were about the same age. We both had healthy pregnancies and did not expect anything to be wrong. We were both first-time moms. She gave birth to Molly June 13, 2008 and I had Andrew July 14, 2008.
And so we began to email each other and shared a lot on how we were feeling. It was wonderful to communicate with her. If anyone in the world understood my wide range of emotions, it was Rebecca! It was truly a blessing to have this friendship during this time. I felt a little less alone in the road I was walking.
Well in the spring of 2009 Rebecca told me she was pregnant! I was also about 10 weeks pregnant at the time, and Steve and I had decided not to share it with anyone until we got past that first trimester. But I was SO excited, I shared with her my news as well. I couldn’t believe it, both of us only about 6 weeks apart! It was very exciting. I knew it was going to be a difficult pregnancy and I was very VERY excited to be pregnant along with Rebecca. We likely would both struggle with fear and sorrow over our little ones in heaven.
Then on May 6, 2009 I opened an email from Rebecca titled ‘Please pray for us’. Initially I thought she was struggling with extra fear that day and was asking for prayer. My heart broke when I read in her email that at their 16 week appointment they did not find the heartbeat of her little one. I was so heartbroken and out of words. I left work crying and got down on my knees to pray for them that night. I could not imagine the sorrow they were going through again, specially with mother’s day on that weekend.
I spent the night at my friend Shelly’s that night and the sweetest little thing happened. I was sitting on the couch with Shelly and her daughter Winnie joined us. Now generally Winnie did not pay much attention to me. She usually ran to Steve and they would play and laugh together, but me.. well she was just not interested. Well that night Winnie snuggled with me in the couch (which was so odd), looked at me, pointed at my belly and said ‘baby?’. It just melted my heart!! I think she sensed how sad I was and wanted to love on me. I will always remember that sweet snuggle from Winnie. I don’t think she has snuggled that closely with me since then.
The following month Jake and Rebecca visited us in Tampa. We had planned the visit for a long time and had been excited to share in our pregnancies. Except now Rebecca wasn’t pregnant anymore and I had a big pregnant belly. I wasn’t sure how difficult it would be for them, but I must say that they visited with such grace. We were able to share a lot about Molly and Andrew and proudly shared pictures with each other. That day I clearly saw God’s grace over them carrying them through the darkest of valleys.
But today, today is a day of praise. Today Rebecca gave birth to twin beautiful baby girls! They are here safe and sound and healthy. I am so excited for them and word cannot describe the incredible amount of JOY for them! God’s grace over them has touched so many people. To think about all that they have been through these last few years simply leaves me in awe of their faith. I have learned a lot from my sweet friend Rebecca.
Thank you Lord for twins! Thank you for Piper and Lily Mutz!
Thank you for twins!
My husband Steve
I wanted to share a few things about Steve that make him a wonderful husband and father. I thank the Lord every night as I fall asleep for choosing him to be my husband. To think that we met in a bar in Tallahassee underage drinking over 10 years ago... who would’ve thought?
1. He is a family man. Steve is very close to his family. This really hit me when we were first pregnant with Andrew and after every doctor’s appointment he would call his dad and mom to give them an update. I would only call my family if there was anything out of the ordinary and would update them periodically. Steve loves spending time with family and carrying on family traditions (which there are too many to write about here). I grew up far away from grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc so I am VERY thankful for my husband's big family and his love for them!
2. He is a great gift giver. He puts a lot of thought in the gifts gives. For our 4 year anniversary we put a maximum spending limit, and he figured out a way to give me a very special gift. He took the words from a Steven Curtis Chapman song "Go there with you" and framed them. Every time I looked at the thing I would cry. He also has given me a beautiful wooden jewerly box and a movado watch. He always comes up with original ideas.
3. He loves Chickafila!
He is one a first name basis with the manager of Chicafila next to his office. They are buddies!
When our best friend's daughter Winnie was about 2 yrs, and the Clarks would drive by a a chicafila restaurant she'd put her hands up in the air and ask for Steve. She associated every chicafila restaurant with him!
Uncle Brett gave us matching dad/son t-shirts which boldly say 'I love Chickafila'. We are planning on having Jack's 1 year old birthday at Chickafila, at which time they will wear their shirts and Jack will try chicken for the very first time. It was very important that Jack's first chicken should come from chicafila… yummy yummy honey mustard!
4. He washes the dishes. This one I have to give a big thanks to my father in law for. Steve is wonderful about washing dishes. He washes the dishes better than I would, and even dries them right away. I usually just quickly wash them and leave them out to dry… slacker me! Thank you Steve for loving me in this way.
5. He does not follow the crowd
My husband is not on facebook. This is despite the fact that his dad, mom, brother, sister, uncles, cousins, wife, and best friends are all on facebook. He has been peer-pressured many times (myself included) but he has stood strong.
He always wears his helmet whenever he plays softball. Now despite the fact that no one else in his team wears it (or even the league) and it looks kind of funny, Steve is very faithful about wearing it every time. In general he has never worried about impressing other people. And he has this gift of not letting things get to him, he is pretty easy going.
6. He can entertain a crowd. Steve can tell jokes in a crowd in a way that I can’t… I must say he gets this from his dad. He also loves having people over- the more, the merrier!
7. He is a wonderful father. Every night when we he gets home he takes over by playing with Jack and getting him ready for bed. This gives me a nice break to get dinner started! He tickles Jack in a way that gets him to crack up for a while, not just smile. He gives him a bath, and helps me wash all the bottles. He has always been involved with taking care of Jack with a loving servant heart.
Thank you Steve for being such a wonderful husband and father. If you are called to heaven one day sooner than I expect, the pain will be worth every wonderful memory I have with you. I love you so much and treasure each day I am given with you!
I can do tough
But I am facing various storms and trials around me. Not easy storms that will pass quickly, but the big, ugly ones that stick around for a while. The ones where you know upfront the road is not going to be short or easy.
Normally I would shy away from this type of trial. I would've repeatedly asked the Lord to miraculously make it go away. That I would wake up one morning and the problem(s) would be completely vanished in His mighty name. After all He has the power to do that right? I believe He does.
But I find myself with a different attitude today knowing that this one is not going away anytime soon. And to my surprise I'm ok with that. Not only am I ok with that, but I am ready to face it head on with all I have. Yes, come on storm give me all you've got! Bring on the rain even if it pours.
I think it was Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) that wrote on her blog 'I can do tough'. Today I feel the exact same way.
Now I don't like it and this is not the way I would've done things if I was in charge (thankfully I'm not). But with each new trial I grow in confidence that if I hold on the Lord, He will come through for me and those I'm praying for. And I guess that makes me a little bit less scared and gives me courage when I feel weary.
"Finally be strong in the Lord and His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm then with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayer and requests. With this in mind be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints"
Ephesians 6:10-18
Griefshare
As I was driving to CR last night I felt a tug in my heart to go to 'Griefshare' instead. This is a 13 week study on grief for people who have lost a loved one. I knew it would be hard to hear the stories that would be shared, and for me to face again the pain I experienced. It certainly is much easier to not talk about Andrew and relive that pain. What kind of saddistic person am I? I thought. Why would I want to talk about Andrew, cry, and hear the sad stories of other people so I can cry even more? I must be going crazy... Yep I officially need professional help.
But I am so incredibly glad I went.
First we watched a short video on what was considered 'normal grieving
Denial- Check
Anger with God- Check
Guilt- Definitely check
Relief- Difficult to admit, but check. I was surprised to hear this was a normal grieving emotion.
After the video we shared about the loss of our loved ones. It was good to talk to people who understood how I felt. It was wonderful to have a chance to share about Andrew's short life with others. They did not shy away from pain.
Now it was not easy to be there and hear some of these stories. I talked to a widow who had just lost her husband of 20 years 2 weeks ago. She was teary eyed the entire time and in the midst of her grief. My heart broke for her, but I was glad she was there and seeking encouragement.
Sharing Andrew's story made me relive my emotions at the hospital. I cried but with every tear there was also healing. That is one of the things I learned there as well.
Now I thought Steve and I had done a good job of grieving specially those first couple of months. And I think we did ok, I know everyone grieves differently. But after going to Griefshare I really wish I would've joined a group like this back then! It would've been so beneficial. If I had heard the emotions other people where experiencing perhaps I wouldn't have felt so guilty and somewhat crazy for so long.
Griefshare is a great resource for small groups, daily emails, and other resources on grieving.
Thank you for reading this post. Hope this is of encouragement to you or someone you know!
