Summer is almost here!

Summer is almost here and I am a little nervous about how it will go. We don’t have any big plans of traveling (other than possibly our 10 year anniversary). The boys do so well on routine, that I’m hoping to be able to have some structure over the next few months.

So here is our plan for the summer- starting May we are going to have themed weeks for three months. Each week we have chosen a theme to focus on for the week. On Mondays we will head for the library to pick up books on the subject- and review it throughout the week. On Friday we will have a ‘fun event’ related to the theme. I’m shoping this will give me some more confidence about how summer will go and give us something to look forward to every week.

Thought I would share here in case someone wants to join in our weekly fun events!

5/4 Golf (Putt putt golf)

5/11 Dinosaurs (Dinosaur world)

5/18 Mad Scientist (MOSI- anyone have passes?)

5/25 Animals/Zoo (Zoo or Busch Gardens)

6/1 Star Wars (Not sure what to do yet)

6/8 Ocean life (Beach)

6/15 South America (Eating at a Peruvian restaurant that week- yum!!)

6/22 Camping (Still deciding whether to camp in our backyard or indoors)

6/29 America the Beautiful (Anna Maria 4^th of July parade!)

7/6 Baseball week (maybe a baseball game?)

7/13 Bug week (any ideas on a place we could visit related to bugs?)

7/20 Pirate week (any ideas other than Memo’s pirate ship?)

7/27 Narnia week (Probably just watch the Narnia movies that weekend)

There are still three more weeks of summer before school starts again, but this is all my brain could come up with for now! We won’t be sticklers about it, but I’m excited to have a little bit of goals to look forward to each week.

Surrendering our Children

A few weeks ago I had coffee with a friend, whose 3 year old son Jake was diagnosed with Leukemia last year. He has been through chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant, and now praise the Lord responded well to the transplant and has had good reports since so far. I am so thankful for how his little life has impacted me and how much I have learned through watching Lora and her family walk through this journey. They still have a long road ahead of them and I ask for prayers for Jake's healing and strength for his family.

During coffee we chatted about how humbling being a mom was from the very beginning.  And what a process it has been over the years of changing us and molding us to be more like Jesus. For me, nothing else has stripped away my need of striving for perfection and pride in such a short period of time. And even though the process hasn’t been pretty or easy (in fact some very ugly stuff has come out of me at times during my journey of motherhood), looking back I have been able to see God’s hand over it all.And I am thankful for a friend who can relate as often it seems like motherhood comes so easy to so many.

Steve and I strive to be parents who believe that our children do not belong to us. We believe they were entrusted to us for a time, but ultimately we know deep down in our heart they belong to God. He has given them life and will be the one to decide when they will take their last breath.

But despite striving for this attitude of surrender, there are poignant times when we are more loudly asked the question: ‘Will you truly surrender your children?’. It seems we get to that point when we come to a place when we realize we are powerless over what’s about to happen to our children… and in turn cry out to God for some supernatural help.

There are so many different ways we can be asked this question. I have seen friends having to surrender their child’s future to the Lord when the experience complications during pregnancy and they cry out to God for protection and healing.

Other times are when our children are given an unexpected diagnosis or sickness. And there is nothing else we can do as parents except get down on our knees and pray.

Other times it seems to come much later- like watching a child drive away in a car for the first time or go off to college- and we know that we can no longer protect them anymore the way we would like.

Or it might be watching your adult child make poor choices- and coming to a point of surrender when you know as a parent they are now responsible for their own choices, and God is the only who can step in and turn their lives around.

As a parent I have only had the experience of surrendering one of my three children so far. And yes the one I had to surrender was Andrew, but it came a few days before he passed away.

That moment came when Andrew was a few days old and we were given the news that half of his brain wasn’t working. And the doctors told us that he would very likely never be able to walk or talk. And that there was a good chance he would live out most of his life in a wheelchair. He would be special needs child, but they could not predict with certainty what that would mean for us in the future.

I didn’t want to surrender my son even after the news. So I continued to cry out to God for help for FULL healing of Andrew. The idea of him being a special needs child was not a thought I wanted to even entertain, much less accept at the time. I was absolutely in denial.

A few nights later I was crying out to God in prayer with my knees and my face on the floor. This was no ordinary cry. It was the desperate cry of a mother from the depths of her very being. If there was ever a cry to get God's attention, I imagine it would be this one.

And then I heard an almost audible voice say ‘Carolina you are far from perfect and I still love you. Will you love Andrew even if he is a special needs child?’

I wonder if it was just in my head, but the question was one I needed to answer regardless.

And so I was faced with the choice of accepting Andrew even if he was a very high special needs child. And my answer became YES even if the worst came to reality, I still really wanted Andrew just as he was. Far from perfect. Far from all the great things I had previously dreamed for him. So my prayers changed that night for God to bring Andrew home no matter what kind of difficulties and trials that meant for Steve and I in the future.

That was the surrendering moment. Not when he passed away as I knew by then Andrew was fully in God’s hand.

And to be honest I’m not looking forward to the day when I’ll face something so big that I will have to truly surrender another one of my children yet again… Maybe it’ll be in a smaller scale. Maybe it’ll be at a much later point in life. Maybe it’ll be when one of my children makes bad choices, and I have to trust in God’s love and sovereignty over their future. Maybe it’ll be when they experience the loss of a loved one and there will be nothing I can do to protect them from experiencing the pain.

But if and when that moment comes- I hope I will turn things over to God and stop trying to do things my way. Sometimes it takes me a while to get there.  As I’ve grown in my relationship with the Lord, I've slowly learned we always have a choice: of either fully trusting God or continuing to trust in myself. That doesn't mean stepping back and not doing anything to encourage them or train them up- it simply means doing our very best in our job as parents, and trusting God to do his part as well. And His part is reaching the heart of our children. And to take care of their future.

Thank you Lora for your testimony and reminding me to trust in God no matter what.

"For the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21

Last note: This post was written with my friend’s permission to share some of her story.

A look back at 2014

2014 was a very blessed year. A look back at it with joy over all the 'firsts' we had and with sadness at how quickly it went by. Thankfully this was a year I did not wish away, and just wanted to write a blog post about the highlights of the year.

This was our first year as Disney seasonal pass holders. The boys loved it and we spent a lot of time there over the year.

This was a cute picture of Palmer and Jack strawberry picking in the spring... one of my favorite pictures of the two of them.

In the Spring we joined a couples bible study going over the book 'Forgotten God' by Francis Chan. It was led by our friends Matt and Laura who did a wonderful job in leading it! Definitely one of my favorite studies so far and we really cherished the friendships we made. This Spring we are excited to start another couples bible study in our home, excited to be back in a bible study once again!

Jack finished off his 4 year old class in May. His teacher Mrs. Poole is wonderful and we are so thankful to have had her as his teacher. 

In April 2014 I stepped in as coordinator for the Fishhawk CARES group at our church Fishhawk Fellowship. The mission of the group is to suport foster and adoptive families, as well as encourage people to get involved in helping children in need. It has been a very busy year working on this, but I am passionate to be leading this group... and always excited to see how God is at work through this!

Palmer turned 2 on May 4th. We had a small construction themed party at grandpa's house, and he enjoyed every bit of that cake!

On June 7th, my sister Mariela got married to Courtney in Washington DC. She had a beautiful wedding in the country and I really enjoyed our time together. It was wonderful to have a weekend with my sisters and mom.

On June 13th, Steve's brother Brett got married to Lauren. They had a beautiful wedding in Clearwater beach and we were honored to be part of it.

At the end of June we traveled to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic to spend a week with my dad. My dad was in good spirits and health, and we really enjoyed our time with him. On August of this year my dad had a stroke, and shortly after another accident which has left him with very limited use of his arm. We are praying for his healing and hoping he will be able to come to the US soon.

Jack started VPK in the fall of this year. Thankful for Mrs. Koutz, another wonderful teacher that loves on these kiddos so much.

In the fall Jack started his first season of Tball. Steve coached the team along with grandpa, uncle Brett, Mr. Larry and some other men. Jack was spoiled to have his family as coaches but he really enjoyed playing baseball, and we plan on playing again next fall.

On September 14th Jack turned 5 years old! Can't believe how quickly time goes by... We celebrated with a very small birthday party at grandpa's house.

On October 29, 2014 we took our first family road trip to North Carolina to visit friends. The kids did surprisingly well on the ride up and we really enjoyed our time with the Shah and Clark families. Hoping to be back again to visit soon!

I don't have a picture for this, but in December 2014 I started working again part time. I work at a small consulting company in Brandon approximately 10 hours a week as a financial analyst. It was a much bigger adjustment than anticipated (I thought 10 hours a week would be easy!) but I am finally getting into a routine. I am thankful for a very good and flexible work environment, and a place to use these skills I have been given. I love what I do as a financial analyst, and am thankful for this job even though it wasn't something I was looking for.

I am thankful for God's blessings this past year and am looking forward to what God has in store this next year. To Him be all the glory!

Outback's Blooming Onion

Recently I had a small glimpse of how God continues to use the pain of my past for good in the present. It has been going through my mind for a few weeks, and just wanted to write about and share here.  Because it’s all about giving God the glory.

Outback’s Blooming Onion has always reminded me of Andrew. Steve and I had dinner at Outback the night before I went into labor with Andrew. After giving birth we joked that it must have been that blooming onion that sent me into labor, and we blamed his very chubby cheeks on those fried onions rings. 

On what would’ve been Andrew’s first birthday we went back to Outback for dinner. It was really hard, as it was the first time we had been there since that night before he was born.  Somehow we ended up being seated on the exact same table that we had been seated a year before. It was so painful but we decided to order the dinner, with of course the blooming onion as an appetizer in remembrance of Andrew. 

We have been back to Outback every year around his birthday since then. And every year we order the blooming onion as a small way of remembering him.  

A few weeks ago we went to Sunday morning service at our church Fishhawk Fellowship. Our friend Ashanti came with us that morning, she is a sweet girl I have been mentoring for some time and she enjoys coming to service on Sundays.  That day we went out to Outback for lunch, and as we were getting ready to order she mentioned she had never been to Outback before. Steve of course jumped in and said ‘Well then, we have to get the blooming onion!’ And she smiled and nodded, as I told her to get ready for the best meal of her life :)

And later that day it hit me. Something that had been a reminder of Andrew and the pain of losing him, would now going forward be a reminder of Ashanti of the day she tried the blooming onion for the first time. It would be a reminder of how blessed we are just to even be able to go to Outback. It would be a reminder of the joy I’ve experienced over the last few months in being her mentor. Now don’t get me wrong- it will always remind me of Andrew, but now there is great joy associated with it.

And for that I am thankful.

The truth is I could still be Ashanti’s mentor today even if we had not lost Andrew six years ago. God could’ve laid it on my heart, convicted me, asked me to be her mentor in a million different ways. In an alternate universe I could be sitting in Outback with Steve, three boys, and her trying a blooming onion for the first time. But I would not have been able to connect with her as we have over the last six months. I would not have been able to relate to her pain. I would not have had any platform to tell her to trust God even when life seems really unfair. Yes that horrible pain of my past, the loss I really didn’t want to walk through... is something that feels so precious to me today.  And although I would never choose the loss and will never be able to understand why it happened, I am thankful that God is using some of it for good and for His purposes.

Please keep Ashanti in your prayers as she will be moving to Pinellas county sometime over the next few weeks.