New Year

With the busyness of Christmas and New Year's, I haven't had time to blog in a while...

We had a busy Christmas with my mom and stepdad coming to Tampa, and we spent it at Steve's dads house. It was truly a joyous time! I don't think any of us take for granted the blessings we've received this year. It was a very exciting Christmas compared to the sorrow we were experiencing last year. My father in law was kind enough to thank God for both Jack and Andrew during a prayer on Christmas day, which I was very thankful for.

I think most people do not like to mention Andrew for the fear that it might upset me. While really it's the total opposite- I love to talk about Andrew! I could talk about Jack and him all day long. It hurts when others refer to Jack as our first son, as if Andrew was never here. Now with a new baby in my arms I often get asked the question by strangers 'Oh, is this your first baby?'. And I always answer 'No, we had our firstborn in 2008 but he only lived for 10 days. His name was Andrew'. Now this is not the answer most people expect and it makes them sad and sometimes uncomfortable. But I can't find it in me, to say Yes Jack is our firstborn, because he's not. It is such a difficult place to be in sometimes...

Other than that we are truly enjoying our time with Jack. He is already trying to crawl at 4 months! He looks like he's going to get in all kinds of trouble as he grows up. He is very independent and always lets us know when he doesn't like something. He's had a very strong little personality since he was born.

We are continuing to heal over Andrew. We are not healed just because Jack joined our family this past year. In fact as I watch Jack grow up, I think of Andrew a lot of the time wondering how he might have been like. I also wonder if Andrew was the 'Good older kid' and if Jack is the 'troubled middle child'. Did we miss out on our goody two shoes? Jack just seems to be such an adventurer and always keeps us on our toes. But we love that about him!

Here are some pictures from our visit to the Clark family in North Carolina this past weekend. Shelly had Miles 10 days after I had Jack. It was very encouraging to be pregnant together as we went through a lot of ups and downs during those 9 months. This was the first time Jack and Miles got to meet each other.

More pictures!

Pictures of Jack

Here are some pictures of Jack I thought I'd share!! I wanted to upload more but it takes forever. I will upload some more this weekend!

A year ago today...

Last year on November 30, 2008 I drove down to Lido Key beach by myself to spend time with the Lord. It was a very difficult thanksgiving weekend without Andrew and I remember crying a lot.

I drove down to Lido Key because earlier that year we had gone there with a group of friends on Memorial day weekend, as we've done every year since we graduated from college (all the pictures above are from that weekend). I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew and had such a wonderful time that weekend. The weather was beautiful, we had been upgraded to a beachfront room for free, we had our own little tiki hut all weekend... it was just relaxing and so much fun. I remember getting up early in the morning and having a quiet time with the Lord by the beach that weekend. I remember enjoying it and feeling such peace. I was so excited for Andrew to join us and everyone else around us too. It was most of what we talked about and how excited we were that he would join us the following year.

So I drove down on a cold Saturday thanksgiving weekend by myself to the same spot where the world had all been so perfect at one time. I had to ask God the tough questions I had been harboring in my heart and leave them his feet. I was angry, mourning, sad, resentful, and broken.There were a lot of things I asked the Lord that day, one of them being another child on that day. Here is a very small part of what I wrote (I couldn't believe I wrote 11 pages!)

I am scared of sadness that will last forever. of pain and hopelessness. Will you please redeems us and grant us a son or daughter. Nothing is too hard for You... Please Jesus have mercy on us and redeeem us and redeem our brokeness Lord.

I long to be a mom more than ever. I long to get up a million times a night. To kiss and love on a child. I long to learn from my children, and to see You in them. I long for Steve to be a dad. For him to use all the parenting skills you've already given him! You shaped him into a great dad! Please Jesus give us this desire of our hearts.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this same time next year and Sarah will have a son" Genesis 18:14

I don't know why I wrote that verse specifically, but I am so glad to find myself here a year later with a son! I am so grateful for the sweet, wonderful blessing Jack is to us and our family. I just wanted to take a moment to thank Christ for answering my prayer on that day. I know He always listens, but sometimes His answer is no, yes, or simply wait. I have not done anything do deserve the miracle of having a child. In fact I probably did the opposite! I fretted, worried, struggled... and yet God's grace was still abundant on us. And for His grace I am thankful.

I am also thankful for being Andrew's mom for such a short time. If I could do it all over again I would do it in a heartbeat! I find rest in knowing the Lord is sovereign over everything and everyone- and if He allowed the unthinkable to happen, I don't have to understand why but I simply have to trust Him. I am thankful He has brought Steve and I through the valley and transformed us in the process. I will never be the same person I was that memorial day weekend on Lido Key, but for that change I am thankful too.