The Last Week

It seems surreal we are getting ready to meet Lillian in less than a week! While we are very excited there are other emotions that always seem to creep up the week before my due dates.

In my past pregnancies with Jack and Palmer it was difficult for me to allow myself to be excited. Because we had lost Andrew so unexpectedly after he was born, I didn’t want to go through the pain of cleaning up things for another empty nursery. I didn’t really talk to them in my belly like I did with Andrew, and when I did it was difficult and painful. I didn’t really post any pictures of my pregnancy with either. I was very private about both pregnancies.

In this pregnancy I have tried really hard to allow myself to be excited and it hasn’t come naturally. Not because she’s a girl, but Lord willing, because it will be my last pregnancy. I have many regrets of how I’ve done things in the past. I regret not enjoying my pregnancies more and staying so stuck in fear. I regret not getting ready for them as I should’ve, not singing and talking to them like I did in the past, not allowing myself to anticipate their arrival with joy.

Even after they were born, I regret wishing away that newborn season because it was just plain hard and exhausting. Looking back it went by in the blink of an eye and I wish I wouldn’t have looked so much forward to the future.

So this pregnancy has been different and I have enjoyed it more, much thanks to the help of friends and family. But as we get close to welcome her this time around, I am often reminded of Andrew. I have thought so much about him these last few weeks, multiple times a day. And I feel the same anticipation and excitement this time around as we did with Andrew… and it bring back all the memories I have of waiting for his arrival. There have been a few other things that have felt similar to my pregnancy with Andrew (and even Steve agreed with me the other night) that it has left me feeling unsettled and wondering how life will change after this baby. One way or another it will change significantly in five days, and I hope and pray that it ends with a healthy delivery and baby.

I sometimes wonder how I can miss Andrew so much even though he was only with us for 10 days. We have very little memories together other than our time at the hospital with him. We never got to know his laugh, his personality, or his perks. And yet somehow I miss him so so much all these years later. It is incredible how God gives us the ability to unconditionally love our children from the moment they are born, and even during pregnancy. I not only long for the short time we had together, but I think I also grieve all the dreams we had for him that didn’t come to happen. And so these days I miss him a lot.

Other than this mix of excitement, fear, and missing Andrew- physically I am doing ok. I didn't think I was going to make it to my due date (per my big belly, pressure, and increasing contractions) but I think I will probably make it after all. I don't have the energy to do much these days and I've been resting a lot so I don't go into labor early. 

Really appreciate everyone’s prayers for delivery next week. I don’t quite feel ready yet here at home, but I’m hoping that I’ll have time to wrap everything at home during the days I’ll have at home before delivery. My c-section is scheduled for Friday morning at 9am on April 22^nd. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

Baby Briggs # 4: Boy or Girl?

We had our big ultrasound for baby Briggs this past Tuesday January 5^th. I was 23 weeks and 6 days, and we mostly decided to wait until 2016 due to insurance reasons. While I would’ve been happy to wait until the baby was born to know (we never found out with Jack and I loved it!) Steve was very set on finding out this time around, so eventually I gave in.

Since the beginning of my pregnancy Jack was hoping for a girl and Palmer for a boy. Mom and dad were hoping for a baby human :)

After being blessed with three beautiful baby boys….

Andrew

Jack

Palmer

Baby Briggs # 4 is a…

Girl

We are so excited to welcome a baby girl!! I would’ve posted the pic of her bottom, but then who wants their first facebook picture to be of their butt right? We are thankful from the ultrasound she looked healthy and growing as she should be. I did ask Cathy (our ultrasound lady) to check multiple times since we were very surprised and didn’t quite believe her at first... We could tell from this ultrasound this baby has big hands and feet, just like her big brothers :)

And while we are excited to welcome a girl to our family, we would’ve been just as thrilled had we been blessed with a baby boy. (I have to say this because I don’t like comments like ‘Oh you finally got your girl!’ as if we were holding our breath hoping only for a girl). What an adventure and honor it would’ve been to raise little men to love the Lord. I so love being a mama to boys- doing all things boys like Star Wars, legos, and gun fights.  I can’t even fathom what princesses and dress-up will look like in this house, but I’m looking forward to that too.

We praise God for the gift of new life. He deserves all the honor and glory for the little miracles He creates! The verse below has always been a good reminder that God alone has the power to give forth new life- no matter how at times I wish things were under my control or go according to my plan. It has been encouraging during times when I've struggled to get pregnant or wrestled with worry during pregnancies. Truly He deserves all the glory, honor and praise.

 

'You are worthy our Lord and God  

to receive glory and honor and power

for you created all things

and by your will they were created and have their being'

Revelations 4:11

The Last Year

We are so incredibly grateful for the blessing to be expecting another baby Briggs next year! But I can’t bring myself to share the news without also sharing about what this past year has looked like for me.

It has been a difficult and rather humbling year. After quickly getting pregnant with Jack on our first month, Palmer on the second month, waiting a year to become pregnant this time… well it felt like a very long time. I know it may not seem like a long time compared to those who have been in a season of waiting for many years, but it was still a season in which I struggled and questioned God at times. The longer time went by, the more I felt that God surely was closing this door for us to grow our family.

This season of waiting tested my faith. I prayed countless prayers for another baby, in every way I could think possible. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to do. I ate all the right foods, cut all the bad ones… all the things that had worked in the past that seemed to have helped me get pregnant- and yet for a period my request was not answered with the’ yes’ I was hoping for. It was particularly more difficult on the days when friends announced their pregnancies, and while part of me rejoiced for them there was also a part of me that felt discouraged and forgotten by God.

I knew after 9 months that something needed to change and I began attending Celebrate Recovery. CR is a Christ centered recovery ministry that helps people overcome any type of addiction, hurt, habit or hang-up (and you can learn more about it here). I had been part of this program for many years in the past, and it had always been a blessing to me and brought healing to many different areas of my life.

May 4^th of this year was the day I went back. I remember the date because it was Palmer’s 3^rd birthday, and I unexpectedly broke down that morning in tears at his birthday party, something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. His birthday was particularly difficult because it was a very tangible reminder of how quickly time goes by and how fast children grow up. The fleeting newborn stage is something I had wished away so many times on long, sleepless nights (I had two really colicky babies!), and now it was something I was not guaranteed I would ever have again.

That night I walked back in to Celebrate Recovery at the Crossing Church. Even though I should’ve been at home celebrating Palmer’s birthday with family, Steve encouraged me go because he could see how broken I felt. I walked in with my hair pulled back, no makeup, and a puffy, tear stained face. I quietly made my way to the back of the place hoping no one would notice I had been crying.

Celebrate Recovery did not have all the answers or magical solution I was hoping for. But I realized two very important things while I was there.

First, I quickly realized I simply did not trust God. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? If I could only trust God my worry would go away and it would all get better. But my lack of trust went a little deeper than that. As it turns out I trusted that God was good, that He was sovereign, and that He would only allow something difficult in my life to happen if he could ultimately use it for good. I have had the privilege of watching Him do this time and time again. But the truth is some of the trials He had allowed had also hurt A LOT, and I was scared he would allow something that painful to happen to me or our family again. And that fear of pain kept me from fully walking in peace with Him, and it kept me tied to uncertainty of the future and worry of the pain it could bring.

I also falsely believed I could be stuck in a place of worry and discontentment for years, if not for the rest of my life. What if it just wasn’t God’s plan for us to grow our family? I wondered if I would always have this sense of longing for more children, or feeling as if something was missing from our family. And that fear kept me paralyzed.

From what felt like a very difficult season, I am grateful God took the time to bring to light areas where I was holding back from him. And even though there were many things I surrendered to the Lord, I still was unable to come to a place where I completely trusted him. I certainly wish I had come to that place. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in this place again after being pregnant THREE other times. But somehow I was here, I was stuck, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out.

I realized nothing I could on my own would work. I began to cry out to the Lord for deliverance from being in this place of waiting. I knew He could answer in different ways- with a no (He could’ve changed Steve’s heart and mine), try something different (he could’ve led us to adoption which I would’ve been thrilled with), wait (it will take much longer) or yes (he could do what I was hoping he would do).  By this point my pain was much greater than my own will being done (for a lack of a better word I was desperate to come out of this season) and I was ready to accept whatever His answer was.

I was surprised to find out I was pregnant just a few weeks later. To be honest I thought he would answer with a no. I was taken back to find out I was pregnant but of so incredibly grateful. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not any prayer, my ability to stop worrying, or anything I did on my part to be graced with a yes. I do not understand why God says yes to some prayers and no to others, but I do know when he says Yes it is undeserved, unmerited grace.  

God is a God who delivers from pits. It took me a long time to know He finds no delight in us being stuck in there, no matter how we fall into the pit. At some point I had begun to blame God for allowing me to be in this place, but I don't think His intentions are ever to be in these dark places or to stay there. Beth Moore says it very well: 

“We must never cease to believe God cares about those in physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual prisons. When we are suffering because of captivity (or any other reason) we must learn to cry out! Yes God sees our suffering and cares deeply for us, but acknowledging the slavery is a crucial place towards authentic freedom.  God is intimately acquainted with the sorrows and suffering that result from slavery of any kind. He also has a remedy and is the meter of our needs. Whether we fall victim, or fall into slavery because of our own sin or disobedience… God has deliverance in mind. As long as the sun comes up in the morning, God will keep offering to deliver His children”

-Beth Moore from the book ‘Breaking Free- Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I am not guaranteed the health or safe delivery of this baby, and part of me knows that no matter what happens God would still be in the Throne, He would still be just, and He would still be everything He says He is. I believe that whatever trials I experience here on earth, there will be a day where He will wipe away every tear and make everything new. His word says so… and I hold on tightly to those words on the days where I question his goodness. On the days when I read about Christians being persecuted, wars in the Middle East, mass shootings at churches and schools, and the countless tragedies on the news.

But just for today I am trying to take it one day at a time. I want to rejoice on the miracle that being pregnant is and what joy it has brought to our family, no matter what tomorrow looks like. Looking back what felt like a very long time really wasn't that long at all- and I wish I would've lived more in the present and not in the future as much as I did.

I know at some point down the road I will experience disappointments and trials, and when that time comes I am confident God will be there to meet me with grace, as He has done faithfully in the past. 

In Memory of Andrew's 7th Birthday

Thank you for being here today. It is a blessing to Steve and I to receive so much love and encouragement from all of you.

I’d like to share how Andrew impacted my life in the short 10 days he was here. During the past 9 months God blessed us with a healthy and smooth pregnancy. When we found out Andrew had swelling to the brain and was having seizures, the first thought that came to mind was Why? Had we taken a wrong turn somewhere? How could a loving God allow this suffering to happen?

I desperately dove into the bible looking for some answers.And I never found a single promise from God to shields us from pain and suffering. As I read through the bible those chosen by the Lord were asked to face great trials and dark storms. But they also had the honor and joy of experiencing something greater at the end of their stories:

Mary endured the pain of watching her son Jesus be crucified and killed. But at the end she also had the great joy of watching him come back to life three days later when all hope was gone.

David endured trials and persecution for many years before his time to reign as King of Jerusalem. But once he reigned Jerusalem would have the greatest period of peace they ever experienced.

Job endured the pain of losing all his children on one day and his wealth gone. But in the end of the story, God blessed him with more children, and his wealth was restored tenfold in God's time.

Most importantly, even God himself freely gave his only son to be crucified and mocked, to save the souls of men and women who didn’t deserve it.

These stories remind me that dark storms are only temporary. That God does not promise to shield us from them. He himself endured many dark storms. He promises to be there with us to help us through it and that they too will pass, and there will be joy again in the morning.

I remember one night while Andrew was in the NICU, sitting with sister Elizabeth in our porch praying on our knees for Andrew's healing. My sister looked at me and with all the confidence in the world she said 'It is an honor that God is using Andrew for his plan and purpose. There are people who live all their lives without ever finding the purpose God had for them'. And that brought me comfort. She also told me there were a lot of good things happening around us but because we were so focused on Andrew at the time, we had not yet had a chance to see them. I clung onto these words as they brought me so much encouragement.

There are two main things God has taught me during these last few weeks. The first is to be less judgmental of other people. No matter what walk of life they are from, what they look like, or where they are going... if they have breath and life then God is choosing to give them life because he loves them and has a plan for them.

God also showed me how his love is unconditional. The day before Andrew passed away, I kept thinking about the future and the very high possibility that Andrew would be a special needs child. I wondered if I would love him just as much. And that's when it sank in to my heart- that God's love is unconditional for us. We are so far from being perfect and yet he still loves us, and has all the patience in the world with us. I knew at that very moment that I would love Andrew no matter what deficiencies he would have. I begged God that night to allow us to bring him home with us, no matter what the future would be- we just wanted the chance to love on our son.

God called Andrew to heaven on a Thursday night, exactly 10 days almost to the hour from when he was born. When we received the phone call from the hospital that his heart was failing I felt an incredible peace come over me. The horrible anxiety and desperation I had experienced every second Andrew had been in the NICU was gone. I knew Andrew's life was now in God's hands.

I still have questions and we are hurting over the loss of our precious child, but I can cling to God's comfort. And His promise that he loved Andrew much more than Steve and I did.

Today as I reflect on Andrew's life on what would've been his 7th Birthday. I am thankful for all the joy God has brought back into our lives. He has healed and restored so much, and He has been faithful to His promises. Not because of anything Steve and I did, or any faith we seemed to have- we have certainly struggled, wrestled, and doubted... and continue to this day. But simply because He is a good and merciful God. He is true to his promises, and He is trustworthy even through the most unthinkable of circumstances. Today I want to give him all the honor, glory, and praise for the story he is writing out in our family.

A brief summary for those of you who don't know Andrew's story- He was our son born after a healthy and smooth pregnancy. He was born seemingly healthy at a whopping 8 lbs, 4 oz and a 9 APGAR score. On our third day at the hospital, as we were getting ready to go home he was taken to the NICU where the doctors found half of his brain was not working due to an injury to the brain. They did not determine when it happened and we have never really known for sure. He remained in the NICU for the next seven days and then unexpectedly passed away when his heart failed at 10 days old.