Hey you its me

When I met Steve at 17 years old being a freshman in college, he used to listen to Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, and DC Talk a LOT! He would listen to them every night. I remember thinking I didn’t really like them all that much. 

Fast forward 9 years later and we were newly married and had just had our first son Andrew. But life took an unexpected turn and our son was in the NICU, very very sick at just a few days old. I was sitting outside our balcony in our small condo, wrestling with my faith and crying out to God. My sister Elizabeth was next to me and we were out there looking at the stars late at night.

I felt so broken and sad that night, and could not stop bawling. I remember my sister Elizabeth speaking some words of encouragement to me which helped me make it through the night. But as we were sitting in my balcony that night I remember looking up thinking this was not at all how it was supposed to be. Andrew was supposed to come home with us after a few days and I should have been holding him instead of him being in some hospital bed. And in the midst of my tears and questions that night, this song came on the radio by Michael W. Smith called ‘Hey you its me’. A simple song that answered my deep question that night: This was not how it was all supposed to be. Was this Andrew's story all along?

Here are the lyrics from that song:

We talk
Walk the walk
Run the race
And climb the ladder, but
If we ever
If we ever should fall…

Hey you its me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Hey baby its you and me
You know this was always meant to be
Here we are looking at the stars
And you know we have come so very far

I listened to this song over and over again for the month after Andrew passed away. I felt like we had been at the top of the world and fallen sharply. I loved how this song talked about two souls being so intertwined together that we were two spirits under the name of the Lord. I also loved hearing the verse ‘This was always meant to be’ as reassurance that this was always plan A under the Lord’s sovereign will. And I loved hearing ‘we have come so very far’ because all I kept thinking is how short Andrew’s life compared to what we had expected. I had prepared so much, worked so hard, ran the race, and at the end... his life felt too short, like all my work had been for nothing. But in the midst of my wrestling, this song spoke to me-  even though I felt that we had not come very far, I realized his life somehow had come far and accomplished all the purposed God had for him. I am very thankful today for the 10 sweet days we had with him.

And you know what? In any other context this song does not make a lot of sense… it doesn’t really talk about anything. But to me, on that night, and the weeks that followed it made all the sense in the world.

Today I love all DC talk, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Michael W. Smith songs! They are a part of who Steve is and I think they would’ve been a big part of who Andrew would’ve been had he stayed on earth a little longer…

Goodbye Clarks!

Our very dear friends Shelly, David, and Winnie Clark are leaving soon for Charlotte, North Carolina! Part of me is thrilled for all that awaits for them up there- I believe that is where they are being called to go and I can see the excitement they have about moving up there. Another part of me is in denial that they are moving. I don't think it's really going to sink in until a couple of weeks from now.

I love the sweet memories I have with them when I was pregnant with Andrew. We would go to the pool, grill out, and spend a lot of time in their condo (aka 'the dungeon'). My favorite was playing board games in their master bedroom floor and trying to whisper to each other so we wouldn't wake up Winnie from her nap. We sometimes couldn't help but laugh so hard that we would still wake up Winnie!

But I also love the memories I have of them during our darkest of times. During the time Andrew was at the NICU I remember David faithfully calling us every morning at 10am to pray. Shelly joined in after a day or two, and we would conference her in from her office. The four of us would pray, one by one, asking God to take care and heal little Andrew. Very often it was this phone call that would wake us up in the morning as the NICU didn't open to visitors until noon. I loved the encouragement the Lord gave Steve and I through this time of prayer. I felt a peace knowing that even if at times my faith failed and my heart was discouraged, there were three other people by my side who were lifting up Andrew by their own intimate and personal prayers. Now I know our family and home church was faithfully praying for Andrew as well, and I will be forever thankful for that. But there is something special about praying side by side with someone else that just touched my heart in a different way.

I was actually somewhat surprised we remained close after Andrew passed away. I know that such a tragedy is so hard for some people to comprehend and I would not have blamed them if they just needed their space or time apart. But that didn't happen. The jokes and laughter we shared were such good medicine for my heart.

I remember just a couple of weeks after Andrew passed away I started getting small anxiety attacks when I was out with people. I would be in the middle of dinner and out of the blue I would feel this need to go home to take care of my baby. But there was no baby to go home to. Even though I was physically in a place, my mind would often feel that I needed to be at home nursing and taking care of my little one... but for some very odd reason it didn't happen when we were around the Clarks! And that's why I enjoyed being around them- because when I was with them I didn't have this feeling that 'I should be' somewhere else. I could just be and laugh or cry if I needed to. I remember one evening during that time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so much it took me a while to get off of their couch. I am thankful I was given the blessing to laugh with friends in the midst of a very sad and difficult time.

We have gone through lots of ups and downs along with them. I won't keep on going on about them. I just wanted to share little glimpses of our friendship that made them so special to Steve and I.

I am going to miss the daily dozen emails between Shelly and I.
I am going to miss Winnie's flirty smile whenever she says hi to Steve.
I am going to miss David's off the wall and completely inapropiate sense of humor!

Below are some of my favorite pictures


Holding Winnie at 38 weeks pregnant with Andrew


Jessie (my sister in law) holding Winnie outside the NICU


All dressed up for a date night at a yummy Mexican restaurant!


Watching the Tampa Bay Rays game with Shelly at our dumpy condo


Winnie wearing Brett's hat


Steve and Shelly trying to get Winnie to dance to 'Baby got back'


Shelly made these cute matching aprons for us!


Sleepover at the Clarks new home


Out for a Christmas dinner at the Wine Exchange


Shelly, Lela, and I at the December graduation party


Getting Winnie to jump when we first moved in to the house in April


Just wanted to add this pic! Steve's face is priceless


Shelly, Lela and I this Spring

Mission trip to Peru

My sister Elizabeth left on a medical mission trip to the mountains of Peru this past Saturday. I have been so excited for her call to go on a mission trip! I can only imagine all of what she'll see and who she'll connect with over there.

It has made me reminisce about our mission trip to Tarapoto, Peru that Steve and I went to in 2007. We were welcomed by Karen and Angel Oyola down there (the same missionaries who are now welcoming Elizabeth, but they are now in an even more remote place!). Ours was a construction mission trip to finish building a center for the local community. A place where women could build skills and families could come together.

Needless to say I did not contribute very much to the actual construction of this place. Although I did my best everyday and got dirty at times, Steve's strength came in handy as he was able to get a lot more done. We also worked with local construction workers who were ten times faster and better than any of us and only got paid about $5 for the entire day.

One day, Steve, Anne, Kevin, and I, left the construction site to bring a meal to a new family who we heard had just moved into the neighborhood. I remember wondering how they would welcome us and what the experience would be like. And we ended up having one of the most amazing experiences of our lives.

We entered a 10ft x 10ft room. There was no door, and the floor was made up of dirt. The walls were very rough construction bricks and I can't remember what the roof was made up of. In there we found a young 17 year old mom alone with her newborn son... just hanging out. There were no baby toys and no crib anywhere in sight- just a big bed which took up most of the room. In the center there was a sweet baby boy named Angel Gabriel sleeping while the mom watched.

The mom was very welcoming to all of us and asked us to come into her little home. She was very transparent and told us she lived with her boyfriend and they had moved from very far away. Her mom (Grandma) would be visiting the next day and she would be taking a bus ride for 20 hours!! She also said she spent most days by herself watching the baby. There was no park nearby, no TV to watch.

This woman was so very sweet! She was humble and seemed glad to have us there. I could not help but think about all the baby stuff here in the states that seemed like its so very needed. It kills me that when I got pregnant with Andrew I got so caught up with having ALL of the possible baby things out there. I was trying to get so prepared for Andrew's arrival, that I forgot at some point what was really important. A year later, I wish I would not have forgotten about sweet Angel Gabriel as quickly as I did.

My heart broke for the loneliness this young mom was experiencing. I asked our missionaries if they had an extra bible in spanish that we could bring to this young mom. I was so very excited when they found a good one! We went back the next day and brought her the bible hoping that it would fill her mind with God's word throughout the day (I think she knew how to read). The next day when we got back her mom (grandma)was there and we ended up having a long and great conversation. We asked them if they had any prayer requests, and they really opened up about a lot of things. It was SUCH a sweet time and blessing to have been there and be touched by them. I will carry that memory with me forever as a good reminder of what really matters. Having and losing Andrew will also be a reminder of how much I take for granted most of the time.

As an update on baby Briggs # 2 things are good so far. I am almost afraid to write it or say it out loud for fear that something bad will happen or I will jinx it somehow. I complete 23 weeks today and start my 24th week (or 5 1/2 months). I believe in my heart there is no guarantee of what the future holds, and I am trying to focus on the blessing and miracle of just today. I am also thankful for God's grace which does not depend on my accomplishments or failures.


Above is a picture of us inside their little room. The lady in the orange was grandma, and mom was on the very right. I forget who the lady in the white and green outfit was- maybe a sister who came with grandma? Anne is wearing a white hat on the left


A picture of Angel Gabriel in the bed where he, mom and dad slept


A more closeup picture of Angel Gabriel!


A picture of children right outside Angel Gabriel's home

Mother's Day

This year mother's day was bittersweet. Much better than anticipated, but still had some tough moments throughout the day.

As usual we went to Memaw & Bepop's (Steve's grandparents) church which was about an hour north of where we live. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Andrew so it brought back a lot of memories and emotions. The pastor kept going on and on about how being a mother is not just birthing, but doing all the little things for our kiddos- such as getting up in the middle of the night, cooking meals, etc... All things I didn't get to do with Andrew! It seemed like every time he said the word mother (which he said a lot) I was getting jabbed in my stomach. I do not think he meant any harm by his sermon and I extended the grace to not get mad about it. I think he probably just didn't consider the mothers who have had miscarriages or lost their children before they ever got to experience those things.

The church also did a contest to find the youngest mother in the audience and I forgot how old I was! They asked all moms under 27 years of age to remain standing and I of course sat down thinking I was 28! ha ha. Then Steve gave me a dirty look and told me to stand up, but I thought he just wanted me to 'pretend I was 27' just to win! Our family got a very good laugh out of it. There was a mom who was 25 years old in the audience so I would not have won the contest anyway. But for the record apparently I am 27, younger than I thought!! I don't know why I have such a hard time remembering my age.

Of course the only newborn in the audience sat behind us. A little boy probably about 8 months close how old Andrew would be now. And he kept cooing and making noises throughout the entire sermon... I tried so hard not to keep looking back. I thought it was ironic how they happened to sit right behind us as there were no other children or babies in the service. Its a very small church.

In the midst of it all I felt thankful for a good ultrasound on Friday, but my heart was so heavy for my friend Rebecca who earlier that week experienced the loss of her second child. Sunday afternoon our family watched a video that she and her husband gave at their church on the precious life of their daughter Molly Ann Mutz. The message was SO GOOD and I highly recommend it. The link is
http://www.flatironschurch.com/messages/messages.php
and the sermon is called Wasted Pain. I don't think anything has spoken to me that directly and truthfully in a while. I am so blessed to know her and look forward to seeing her later this month.

Sunday evening we went to our monthly bereaved parent group. While most people think this would be realy depressing, actually most parents really enjoy it and look forward to it. I think its because it makes us feel that we are not alone in our grief, and there are other people out there battling the same emotions.

I did not long for Andrew Sunday like I thought I would. I thought about him but just felt happy thinking about him. I showed Memaw & Bepop the scrapbook my mom and I made of him, and they really enjoyed it. I was so glad to show pictures of Andrew and have others remember him on that day, instead of not mentioning him at all. I really enjoy it when other people ask about Andrew.

And I am trying to enjoy every moment with Baby Briggs # 2. I can't imagine what it would be like to possibly bring him/her home one day. In the meantime I am trying to appreciate and be thankful for the time the Lord has given me today.