I don't want to spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything…?
No regrets, not this time…
- 'The Motions' by Mathew West
On September 2008, two my sisters and I had the opportunity to visit my mom on her birthday. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together, so this weekend was very special. On Saturday night as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I asked my mom if she were given the choice to go back to the past would she choose to have us all over again? Would she marry my dad still and go through the difficult journey she went through? We had brought so many tears to her, I wondered if she would do it all over again. She responded that of course she would do it all over again, and that is what worth every tear. She would still marry my dad and have us, but she would choose to speak her mind more to dad, set better boundaries, etc. She only regretted the actions she didn’t take, not the ones she did take.
I remember asking my husband one night as we were going to sleep, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without even blinking he said YES. Holding Andrew had been the best day of his life and it was worth every tear we had. I on the other hand, was not as quick to say yes to it all over again. I remember the first time I held Andrew I did not feel immediate love, but instead I felt fear. I was afraid of the changes in my life this little one would have. Little did I imagine at the time the journey I would go through. If you look at the picture above, you can see a sparkle in my husband's eye. He was the happiest man in the world! But if you look into my eyes you will see reluctance and fear.
I have always been afraid to be vulnerable. In high school I never really dated. I had crushes on boys don’t get me wrong, but was always too afraid to get close to them. I would freeze and usually muttered a few words which didn’t make sense. So I became obsessive and daydreamed a lot, always keeping my distance from men.
I remember one night Steve watching his favorite baseball team on TV. He was crushed because they were losing in the 7th inning. I looked at him and said ‘See, I’m glad I don’t have a favorite team. This way I won’t get disappointed when they lose!’. That night the team turned around in a late inning and won the game to go to the World Series. I also didn’t get to experience the same joy he felt when they won that night.
Do you see a theme here? There is a theme of fear. Fear to make myself vulnerable to experience joy and pain. Fear to truly love others because I am afraid of the pain I might experience if I ever lost them. Fear that I will be hurt again by someone I love.
I am drawn to the ‘Parable of the talents’ in Mathew 25 to understand how God feels about this ‘fear’. This is the story of the master who gives his three servants money to invest for him. He comes back and judges each accordingly to his actions.
My first reaction is why would the third man be sent into darkness where there is ‘weeping and gnashing of the teeth’? To me it seems a very harsh judgment to a man who after all only wanted to protect what he had been given. I think I would have reacted the same way. What if the man with ‘five talents’ would have only been given one- would he have risked it all? Yes I think he would have. He didn’t keep any talents ‘safely’ at home. The man with two talents risked it all as well: he could have kept one at home and risked the second one. BUT they both put ALL of their talents out there at risk of losing it all. Jesus makes the point it does not matter if you have a lot or a little to lose. What matters is that you give it your all.
God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all of our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. Is it worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? The answer a thousand times yes! I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like his- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love. I could have lived the rest of my life half heartedly loving children, husband, family, and friends. Now I will give them my all.
"What if I had given everything…?
No regrets, not this time…
- 'The Motions' by Mathew West
On September 2008, two my sisters and I had the opportunity to visit my mom on her birthday. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together, so this weekend was very special. On Saturday night as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I asked my mom if she were given the choice to go back to the past would she choose to have us all over again? Would she marry my dad still and go through the difficult journey she went through? We had brought so many tears to her, I wondered if she would do it all over again. She responded that of course she would do it all over again, and that is what worth every tear. She would still marry my dad and have us, but she would choose to speak her mind more to dad, set better boundaries, etc. She only regretted the actions she didn’t take, not the ones she did take.
I remember asking my husband one night as we were going to sleep, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without even blinking he said YES. Holding Andrew had been the best day of his life and it was worth every tear we had. I on the other hand, was not as quick to say yes to it all over again. I remember the first time I held Andrew I did not feel immediate love, but instead I felt fear. I was afraid of the changes in my life this little one would have. Little did I imagine at the time the journey I would go through. If you look at the picture above, you can see a sparkle in my husband's eye. He was the happiest man in the world! But if you look into my eyes you will see reluctance and fear.
I have always been afraid to be vulnerable. In high school I never really dated. I had crushes on boys don’t get me wrong, but was always too afraid to get close to them. I would freeze and usually muttered a few words which didn’t make sense. So I became obsessive and daydreamed a lot, always keeping my distance from men.
I remember one night Steve watching his favorite baseball team on TV. He was crushed because they were losing in the 7th inning. I looked at him and said ‘See, I’m glad I don’t have a favorite team. This way I won’t get disappointed when they lose!’. That night the team turned around in a late inning and won the game to go to the World Series. I also didn’t get to experience the same joy he felt when they won that night.
Do you see a theme here? There is a theme of fear. Fear to make myself vulnerable to experience joy and pain. Fear to truly love others because I am afraid of the pain I might experience if I ever lost them. Fear that I will be hurt again by someone I love.
I am drawn to the ‘Parable of the talents’ in Mathew 25 to understand how God feels about this ‘fear’. This is the story of the master who gives his three servants money to invest for him. He comes back and judges each accordingly to his actions.
My first reaction is why would the third man be sent into darkness where there is ‘weeping and gnashing of the teeth’? To me it seems a very harsh judgment to a man who after all only wanted to protect what he had been given. I think I would have reacted the same way. What if the man with ‘five talents’ would have only been given one- would he have risked it all? Yes I think he would have. He didn’t keep any talents ‘safely’ at home. The man with two talents risked it all as well: he could have kept one at home and risked the second one. BUT they both put ALL of their talents out there at risk of losing it all. Jesus makes the point it does not matter if you have a lot or a little to lose. What matters is that you give it your all.
God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all of our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. Is it worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? The answer a thousand times yes! I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like his- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love. I could have lived the rest of my life half heartedly loving children, husband, family, and friends. Now I will give them my all.
