The second day Andrew was in the NICU, my husband and I faced a very tough reality. Our beautiful, long-awaited son was very likely to have developmental problems. I remember Steve and I crying and holding each other in the NICU next to Andrew as we heard the news. The doctors could not foretell the severity of his problems- but it was a very wide range. Perhaps he would never speak or communicate with others. Perhaps he would not be able to move. Perhaps he would never be independent. It was my worst fear come true. I wondered if I would still love Andrew just as much of if I would be embarrassed by him around others. I could see myself taking him out and other people shunning us or making fun of him.
The day before Andrew passed away, I got on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. And that is when I clearly felt God say ‘Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you’. I didn’t hear a voice from above, I just felt it in my heart. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question- Would I stilll love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.
I surrendered my fear to the Lord that afternoon and pleaded with him to give us Andrew, even if it meant he would have severe deficiencies. I know it was God who blessed me unconditional love for my son which I didn’t have before on my own. I realized then I would love Andrew no matter what happened. I would never leave him or forsake him.
The day before Andrew passed away, I got on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. And that is when I clearly felt God say ‘Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you’. I didn’t hear a voice from above, I just felt it in my heart. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question- Would I stilll love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.
I surrendered my fear to the Lord that afternoon and pleaded with him to give us Andrew, even if it meant he would have severe deficiencies. I know it was God who blessed me unconditional love for my son which I didn’t have before on my own. I realized then I would love Andrew no matter what happened. I would never leave him or forsake him.
I believe deep down in my heart this is how God loves me- without any expectations or conditions.
