Sweet Grace

Last Friday was the first game of the season for Steve's softball. Steve LOVES playing softball and has been in our church league for the last couple of years.

I had made up my mind early on the week to miss the softball game. I remembered how pregnant I was with Andrew last season and the anticipation of waiting for his arrival. I have vivid memories of sitting with friends on the bench talking about baby showers, delivery, and how exciting it would be to have Andrew join us next season. The thought of sitting in that bench again this year with Andrew was just dreadful and that softball field was the last place I wanted to be.

But as I was driving home Friday afternoon God changed my stubborn heart. I had not been second guessing myself, I was perfectly happy going home and getting some much needed rest... But all of a sudden I felt a complete peace about going. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that He would give me the grace to not only make it through the game, but to actually enjoy being there. I knew that this was not coming from my own strength, but God was giving me undeserved grace to do what I simply couldn't do on my own.

Also for the first time all week I thought of someone else besides myself- my husband. I realized that this game would also be difficult for him and he would be glad to have me there.

And so I went and had a great time. I enjoyed the game and no one treated me differently like I feared they might. I was in a short high the rest of the night knowing that I had experienced 'Grace' in a way that I might get to experience only a few days in my lifetime.

I remembered experiencing a 'Grace' day the day of Andrew's memorial service. I felt at peace and was glad to share with others of the powerful impact Andrew's little life had on me. It was a sweet day that I would have never been able to get through on my own.

But not all days feel like this. Saturday morning we went through Andrew's baby things to decorate the new nursery and tears started flooding. My heart literally ached as I thought about how much we missed Andrew. I longed for him to be with us right then and missed him terribly.

Then today I have been struggling with fear. I wish I experienced 'peace which surpasses all understanding' all the days of my life... but I don't. As my emotions of grief come and go, I struggle some days much more than others. And sometimes I simply chose to live in fear because it gives me a false sense of control over my unknown future and this child's. But its so hard for me to not fall into that trap!

I wish all of my days were peaceful and fun like last Friday night. It is days like those which give me hope to get through days like today. I wish I could always make the perfect choice to trust God wholeheartedly, but more often than I care to admit I fall way short. And then again that is where I will find sweet grace again- when I fall short and God still loves me all the same.