I have been struggling lately (let me rephrase that- most of my pregnancy!) with worry about what is going to happen to this second child. I would like a guarantee that everything is going to be fine, and we are going to have a healthy baby... but there are never any guarantees! I have always had a tendency to worry about the future by nature, and so it was a struggle to overcome when I was pregnant with Andrew.. but I did. And then at the end the unimaginable still took place. I keep wondering if I misread something all along... if there were any signs but I was just too blind to see them? Did God try to warn me but I was just too excited or arrogant to see it?
During this pregnancy I feel God asking me to place my trust in him. As I read scripture, I don't feel Him telling me that everything is going to be fine, but I clearly hear that I simply need to trust Him. And yet I am having such a difficult time taking that step! I want a healthy baby that we can raise until he/she is old and gray. I think that is the best for our family. And as I pray I keep trying to convince God to get on my action plan, because I think I know best and I would really not like His plan if its anything else.
But true surrender is praying for God's master plan to take place, not my own plan. My peace should come from knowing that God is in control of everything, no matter how sudden, tragic, or unfair it seems to me. If I really surrender my will to the Lord, I will be content with whatever He decides for our future and this baby's life. I trust that He has eternal eyes, while I only have earthly and short-sighted vision.
So I have really been struggling with trust- I felt a trusted him back when I was pregnant with Andrew and at the end I ended up very hurt.
This Saturday Steve and I watched the movie 'Cocktail'- I had seen it many years before, but for whatever reason I had forgotten the plot. I was quite angry at Tom Cruise when he decided to sleep with this old lady and hurt the girl he was falling in love with. The rest of the movie is spent in him trying to get forgiveness from this girl who he originally hurt for no good reason at all.
Then last night my friend Shelly and I went to see 'Ghosts of girlfriends past'. Any movie as cheesy as it may be, is really good if it has Mathew MaConohey in it! The story line centered around Mathew hurting the one true love of his life because he is too scared to be vulnerable. At the end he tries to make things right, but she asks him the question 'how can I trust you? how do I know you've really changed'? I could definitely relate to that question. Its so hard to trust after we've been hurt.
This morning I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that its pretty silly of me to think God would be anything like Tom Cruise or Mathew McConohey. He is holy, and perfect, and so worthy of my trust! I am assured that at one point sooner or later I will be hurt by friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers, and yes even my husband. But my Lord promises to never hurt me, never leave my side, never forsake me. If there is anyone I should trust it should be Him! No one else will do or even come close.
Now to clarify- I m not implying that I expect the worst from my husband in the future. I am absolutely crazy about him and I thank God almost every night for bringing us together. Steve is a Godly man who trusts much more than I do and loves more wholeheartedly than me. I remember the week that we were in the NICU watching over Andrew Steve told me 'I wish I could trade my life for Andrews'. My first thought was that I would at least think about it for a second. He didn't have to think about it, he simply loved.
I wish I could be more like Steve sometimes. He is the essence of strength physically and spiritually, and such a good protector of our family. I respect him so much and trust his decisions for our family and future. But I have learned to not put Steve on a pedestal (although I must say my family has him on a VERY high pedestal). I have slowly learned that the moment I make Steve the center of my universe, everything falls apart. Simply because He will never be able to meet my needs the way that only God can.
But back to my trust issue with the Lord. While my mind knows God is merciful and good, the pain of losing Andrew tells me otherwise. This pain whispers 'God does not really have your best interest at heart' 'He has forgotten about you' 'He has forsaken you'. And that is the difficult part to overcome- my emotions over what I know to be true. I battle these emotions every day as they bring me down to a pit of worry and doubt.
I have learned in CR that emotions are never good to trust. There were times when I was working out that I wanted to quit.There are times in the morning when the last thing I feel like is coming to work. And there have even been times when I felt like not making an effort in my marriage. But in all of these circumstances I have chosen to do things based on my will and not 'what feels right' or 'what feels easier'. I chose a long time ago to love my husband forever, although the emotions might come and go. In the same way I should chose to trust my God no matter what emotions tell me.
I fee like I am at the tip of making that choice! I am almost ready, but fear is holding me back. Maybe its a daily choice and not a choice I only make once?
During this pregnancy I feel God asking me to place my trust in him. As I read scripture, I don't feel Him telling me that everything is going to be fine, but I clearly hear that I simply need to trust Him. And yet I am having such a difficult time taking that step! I want a healthy baby that we can raise until he/she is old and gray. I think that is the best for our family. And as I pray I keep trying to convince God to get on my action plan, because I think I know best and I would really not like His plan if its anything else.
But true surrender is praying for God's master plan to take place, not my own plan. My peace should come from knowing that God is in control of everything, no matter how sudden, tragic, or unfair it seems to me. If I really surrender my will to the Lord, I will be content with whatever He decides for our future and this baby's life. I trust that He has eternal eyes, while I only have earthly and short-sighted vision.
So I have really been struggling with trust- I felt a trusted him back when I was pregnant with Andrew and at the end I ended up very hurt.
This Saturday Steve and I watched the movie 'Cocktail'- I had seen it many years before, but for whatever reason I had forgotten the plot. I was quite angry at Tom Cruise when he decided to sleep with this old lady and hurt the girl he was falling in love with. The rest of the movie is spent in him trying to get forgiveness from this girl who he originally hurt for no good reason at all.
Then last night my friend Shelly and I went to see 'Ghosts of girlfriends past'. Any movie as cheesy as it may be, is really good if it has Mathew MaConohey in it! The story line centered around Mathew hurting the one true love of his life because he is too scared to be vulnerable. At the end he tries to make things right, but she asks him the question 'how can I trust you? how do I know you've really changed'? I could definitely relate to that question. Its so hard to trust after we've been hurt.
This morning I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that its pretty silly of me to think God would be anything like Tom Cruise or Mathew McConohey. He is holy, and perfect, and so worthy of my trust! I am assured that at one point sooner or later I will be hurt by friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers, and yes even my husband. But my Lord promises to never hurt me, never leave my side, never forsake me. If there is anyone I should trust it should be Him! No one else will do or even come close.
Now to clarify- I m not implying that I expect the worst from my husband in the future. I am absolutely crazy about him and I thank God almost every night for bringing us together. Steve is a Godly man who trusts much more than I do and loves more wholeheartedly than me. I remember the week that we were in the NICU watching over Andrew Steve told me 'I wish I could trade my life for Andrews'. My first thought was that I would at least think about it for a second. He didn't have to think about it, he simply loved.
I wish I could be more like Steve sometimes. He is the essence of strength physically and spiritually, and such a good protector of our family. I respect him so much and trust his decisions for our family and future. But I have learned to not put Steve on a pedestal (although I must say my family has him on a VERY high pedestal). I have slowly learned that the moment I make Steve the center of my universe, everything falls apart. Simply because He will never be able to meet my needs the way that only God can.
But back to my trust issue with the Lord. While my mind knows God is merciful and good, the pain of losing Andrew tells me otherwise. This pain whispers 'God does not really have your best interest at heart' 'He has forgotten about you' 'He has forsaken you'. And that is the difficult part to overcome- my emotions over what I know to be true. I battle these emotions every day as they bring me down to a pit of worry and doubt.
I have learned in CR that emotions are never good to trust. There were times when I was working out that I wanted to quit.There are times in the morning when the last thing I feel like is coming to work. And there have even been times when I felt like not making an effort in my marriage. But in all of these circumstances I have chosen to do things based on my will and not 'what feels right' or 'what feels easier'. I chose a long time ago to love my husband forever, although the emotions might come and go. In the same way I should chose to trust my God no matter what emotions tell me.
I fee like I am at the tip of making that choice! I am almost ready, but fear is holding me back. Maybe its a daily choice and not a choice I only make once?
