It was Sunday evening of Labor day weekend, and I headed
back with Palmer our condo rental. We were on a family vacation in New Smyrna
beach along with friends for the weekend.
As I was looking out the window watching Steve, Jack, and our friends at the beach, I saw three teenage girls taking pictures by the pool deck. They were
wearing pretty dresses, high heels, and had a glowing tan. As they were taking
pictures they started making silly faces at the camera and kept bursting out
in laughter. You know, that genuine belly laughter that brings you tears and hurts
your stomach at times. They were having a blast!
As I sat there holding my hungry four month old, I started
to think about what it would be like to have that type of freedom again.
What would it be like
to be able to layout at the beach interrupted while reading a good book
What would it be like
to wear pretty high heels again instead of my ‘practical’ flat shoes
What would it be like
to go out at night without any restrictions, and not having to come back after 2-3
hours to nurse… or being up early at 6am
What it would be like
to have a peaceful meal without having to feed/nurse two little ones at the
same time and scarf down my meals
The freedom of the ‘good old days’ sure seemed attractive to
me that night. I looked at my sweet baby in my arms and remembered my first
mother’s day after losing Andrew.
(I’m going back in time, but stay with me here…)
It was May of 2009 and I was dreading mother’s day altogether. We decided to
attend church with Steve’s grandparents that day. Their pastor spoke on ‘What it truly means to be a mother’
He went on to say that 'just giving birth' does not make you a
mother. How some animals gave birth only to leave their young to fend for
themselves. Being a ‘mother’ was about making sacrifices. It was being up at
night when the children needed you… taking care of them when they were sick. He
went on to say much more, but that is what stood out most to me.
I left sad and angry because I had never gotten to do any of
those things with Andrew, and if I took his words literally I did not qualify as a mother. I wept that night and I prayed that I would be given
the opportunity again to do all those things he spoke about. I specifically prayed for the times when
I would put my children before myself and make whatever sacrifices were needed
on my part.
Fast forward four years and two baby boys later, and my
prayers were graciously answered. I am living the dream that I longed for so
long.
And as grateful and how in love I am with my two boys, there
are some many days that are just plain hard. Days when I’m so exhausted
that my husband falls me asleep on the floor (I had not had anything to drink,
I was just THAT tired). Days when I’m spit on, pooped on, cried upon and I am
counting down the minutes for my husband to get home from work…
As I stood that night looking at these girls with all the
freedom that I don’t have, I realized that as appealing as that lifestyle can
appear, what I really missed was the laughter they had. Being able to have fun
and relax, and not worry so much about things…
So how do I cherish
the present without wishing it away on those tough moments? (and my point for
this long, long post)
I can be lighthearted. I can choose to laugh despite how I may feel at that particular time.
For example- later on that night I needed to give Palmer a
bath, but there was no bathtub so I decided to use the sink. I filled up the
sink, got him naked and put him in it. Right away water overflows everywhere.
Not only is there water over the sink, but I’m soaking wet as well. Palmer
starts to cry as he was not liking the sink.
What I wanted to
do is cry… instead I made up a silly song about what a total disaster this was.
I stood Palmer up in the sink, and moved his chunky little butt from side to side
to go with my made up song. To my surprise Palmer saw me laugh and he gave me
one of his biggest smiles- which in turn made me laugh even more. Before I knew
it I had given him a bath and were done with the whole fiasco!
Another night Steve got home from work, and we were getting
ready to have dinner. He looked tired from work and I was exhausted that
afternoon as well. As soon as we put Palmer down to eat, the little guy started
to cry loudly right away. What I wanted to do is put my head down on the table
and vent to my husband ‘Do you know how hard it is to cook carrying a baby? Have
I told you about the temper tantrum Jack just had a few minutes ago? I am
tired, tired, tired. You may have had a lot to do at the office, but my day’s
been much harder!’
Instead I took a deep breath and decided to make a joke … ‘Look honey, I am SUCH a good wife that I’ve
arranged for a musical background during dinner. We will be listening to the
famous tunes of Palmer Briggs’ and I laughed at how ridiculous I sounded.
To my surprise Steve started to laugh. And Jack saw us laugh,
and started laughing himself. Then we continued on to make jokes as we quickly
had dinner (while Palmer cried), and got back to taking care of him.
Baby steps. I am slowly learning to be more lighthearted.
The other as I was making funny faces at Jack, he said with a smile ‘You are a
SILLY mommy!’ and I took that as a big compliment.
I want my children to see me laugh… not to look back and me
venting or talking about what a
difficult job it was taking care of them. I want them to remember me as ‘happy’ during
this season of life. And I want to genuinely enjoy every second.
Do not say, "Why
were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such
questions
Ecclesiastes 7:10
I have struggled with understanding this bible verse… my only thought is that thinking about the ‘old
days’ can make us discontent in the present. Thankful that God reminds us to
not fall into that trap, as we can so often glamourize the past and remember it
as better than what it really was.
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