Sweet Grace

Last Friday was the first game of the season for Steve's softball. Steve LOVES playing softball and has been in our church league for the last couple of years.

I had made up my mind early on the week to miss the softball game. I remembered how pregnant I was with Andrew last season and the anticipation of waiting for his arrival. I have vivid memories of sitting with friends on the bench talking about baby showers, delivery, and how exciting it would be to have Andrew join us next season. The thought of sitting in that bench again this year with Andrew was just dreadful and that softball field was the last place I wanted to be.

But as I was driving home Friday afternoon God changed my stubborn heart. I had not been second guessing myself, I was perfectly happy going home and getting some much needed rest... But all of a sudden I felt a complete peace about going. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that He would give me the grace to not only make it through the game, but to actually enjoy being there. I knew that this was not coming from my own strength, but God was giving me undeserved grace to do what I simply couldn't do on my own.

Also for the first time all week I thought of someone else besides myself- my husband. I realized that this game would also be difficult for him and he would be glad to have me there.

And so I went and had a great time. I enjoyed the game and no one treated me differently like I feared they might. I was in a short high the rest of the night knowing that I had experienced 'Grace' in a way that I might get to experience only a few days in my lifetime.

I remembered experiencing a 'Grace' day the day of Andrew's memorial service. I felt at peace and was glad to share with others of the powerful impact Andrew's little life had on me. It was a sweet day that I would have never been able to get through on my own.

But not all days feel like this. Saturday morning we went through Andrew's baby things to decorate the new nursery and tears started flooding. My heart literally ached as I thought about how much we missed Andrew. I longed for him to be with us right then and missed him terribly.

Then today I have been struggling with fear. I wish I experienced 'peace which surpasses all understanding' all the days of my life... but I don't. As my emotions of grief come and go, I struggle some days much more than others. And sometimes I simply chose to live in fear because it gives me a false sense of control over my unknown future and this child's. But its so hard for me to not fall into that trap!

I wish all of my days were peaceful and fun like last Friday night. It is days like those which give me hope to get through days like today. I wish I could always make the perfect choice to trust God wholeheartedly, but more often than I care to admit I fall way short. And then again that is where I will find sweet grace again- when I fall short and God still loves me all the same.

New place!

Last weekend Steve and I finally moved into a house! We are very excited as we have been wanting to move out of our condo for quite sometime. We are very excited for the extra room and backyard. We've never had a backyard before or nice neighbors so we are really enjoying living here.

I attached a picture of Steve cooking out for the first time on his very first grill. He enjoys cooking out and having people over, and I enjoy not having to cook! So its a win-win for both of us. And seeing him enjoy it so much just gladdens my heart... there is just something so special about a man and his grill.

Steve's family and my sister Elizabeth were kind enough to come over and help most of Saturday. Moving is never fun so we are very appreciative for the extra help they gave us. Especially because I probably wasn't much help and directed everyone he he.

As excited as we were to move out, I was very emotional the last week at our condo. It was there when Steve and I started our life together. It was there we found out we were pregnant with Andrew, and we made so much room for him in our little home. Oh how I wish he would have come home to what we had prepared for him! It breaks my heart he never got to enjoy all that what we had waiting for him.

It was also in our condo we found out we are expecting again... Andrew is going to have a little brother or sister!!

The night we found out I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard some loud noises from our computer. I couldn't go back to bed and so I started reading book on psalms. Afterwards I felt led to take a pregnancy test. I was in such awe when it came back positive!! I got on my knees and thanked God for Andrew's life and this new one He is creating. And that is how Steve found me. He came over and hugged me and was surprised when I told him the news!! I am 16 weeks (or 4 months) pregnant today! The due date is mid September.

So I am trying to press on forward and leave our old home behind with lots of tears. Part of me is so excited about the future, and part of me wishes I could stay in the condo forever just to stay close to Andrew. But hopefully it won't be too long until we see him again in heaven. Until then we send him lots of love and kisses every night.

The end of the story

So last week I had the interesting experience of watching 'Nanny 911' for the first time. I was puzzled by this show where a British nanny goes for a week into the home of a family who is having problems disciplining their children... it kept my undivided attention the whole time.

This one episode I watched a mom of three children, two boys and one girl, had no desire to discipline them. She stated on TV that rather than dealing with them she would rather ignore them or give them whatever they wanted. She seemed annoyed by anything they did, and her children felt it. I couldn't help but think what a blessing it is to have three healthy children. One of my deepest haunting question surfaced of 'Why is Andrew not here with us today?' We would have been crazy about him and showered him with lots and lots of love. I couldn't help but to wonder if life is simply unfair and God is very removed from this world. Perhaps I had just made Him up in my mind to find something to hold on to.

My sister called me last night because upset because she is trying to do all the 'right things' and everything seems to be falling apart. And she felt like most people around her are doing all the wrong things and everything seems to be going well for them. It didn't seem fair to her and she was sad.

I realized something during my Esther bible study last night... there are times in our lives when things don't make sense. When life seems simply unfair. I even remember a time in my career when I saw evil people succed by lying, taking credit for other people's work, gossiping, etc. And I saw the honest ones stay behind. Yes, sometimes I take a quick snapshot at life and assume it will be like that forever. And that quick snapshot gives me the wrong perception that life is unfair.

But life is not unfair. If I can let go of that quick snapshot of life, and look forward to the end of the story, I realize that God is still in the process of writing the story and is not finished yet! My joy comes from knowing that He will write the last chapter of my life and it will be an unbelievable one. I know that because it ends with spending eternity with Him and my son Andrew forever and ever! He has already given me a sneak peak at what He has planned.

I related a lot to Mordecai in the book of Esther, in the sense that he must have felt frustrated at times too. He was a man who loved the Lord immensely and saved King Xerxes from being assassinated. And how did the King reward him? Not even a thank you or recognition of any kind. Instead the king becomes best buddies with 'Haman' an evil man who was jealous of the king, lied to him, and was evil as it gets. I thought about how Mordecai must have felt life was unfair during that time of his life. And that time lasted for months if not even years. At that time of Mordecai's life he saw his evil enemy succeed... and he left unrecognized and forgotten.

But if I fast forward to the end of the book of Esther, it turns out Haman's evil scheme is revealed and he falls from the top. Haman dies at the end without his fortune and favor from the King. Mordecai on the other hand ends up with the recognition from the King and all the people of the town. Mordecai is elevated in rank, given favor, and even a huge parade is thrown for him! It is the most wonderful ending someone could possibly think of. I could feel the joy as I read the details of those last chapters! The joy of the Jewish people was overwhelming as they all had just been delivered from a large scale massacre. It was only God's handwriting who delivered them and who brought up Mordecai from being forgotten.

And so I am confident that God will write the end of my story as well. I don't know how the end of the story will look like for the family I watched on TV last week, but I hope there is a chapter of grace and redemption. God has freed me from my broken past and hurts and hang-ups... and He loves doing that to others!

Steve reminded me last night is that God also writes the beginning and middle of the book. As difficult as life might be at times, it is the these moments that shape us into who we are supposed to be. And without these temporary trials there would not be a happy ending.

That was eye opening for me. As much as my emotions tell me at times that God has temporarily forgotten about me, I remember that even though this season of my life feels pretty dark, His handwriting is there too. And there is a purpose and time for each chapter of His story.

Update

Ok so it's been a long time since I last wrote something and Steve reminded me the other day how much I enjoyed it. I guess I felt in the first 6 months after losing Andrew God was showing me so much and was very excited to share it with others. Great changes were taking place! And great changes are still taking place, but I have been in a place of a much deeper grief lately and so I've stayed much more private. I have not only missed Andrew, but LONGED for him in ways I haven't before. I desperately long to hold him and kiss him. I am afraid I will forget how he felt and smelled and I don't want to. Its almost as if I want to stay in that grief because that is the only connection I have with him. And if that means crying every time I think about the NICU, then that's fine with me. But I think there will come a point where I will have to move on and not stay in the past.

But things haven't all been so difficult. I have been weepy and experience emotions I had never experienced before, but a lot of good things are taking place. This past week Steve, Steve's dad, my sister and I traveled to Mexico to spend some time with my dad. It was really good to see him and make some memories with him. It was such a blessing!

Also I have been LOVING my Monday night Esther bible study: its tough being a woman. My sister Elizabeth is doing it with me and that encourages me a lot. I can relate a lot to Esther and I'm truly enjoying everything I'm learning. It is almost as if reading a good novel too: There are parties, betrayal, drunkeness, breakups, tragedy, celebrations, gossip, secrets... who needs people magazine?

That is all I have for now. I will try to write more often in the future :)