Hind's feet on high places

I have been reading this book that I just LOVE called Hind's feet on high places! I wish everyone could read this book (I think I will give it away for Christmas!). It is the story of 'Much-Afraid' and how she lives unhappy in the valley with her family 'The Fearings'. She embarks on a journey to the top of the high mountains despite pride, resentment, bitterness, and self-pity scheming ways to stop her along the way. It is such a neat picture of God's faithfulness and how life is not always picture perfect.

There was one paragraph in the beginning of the book I wanted to share which really caught my attention. I thought it was a neat way of wording something I've never really said outloud...

'As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react in them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character'.

The Journey

A couple of years ago my University of Tampa mentor gave me a mug that said "Its about the journey, not the destination". I was quite frustrated with my MBA program at the time and ready to quit. I just wanted to get it over with! But even if I could have bought the certification somehow it would have been worthless. The worth of my MBA degree is what I learned in the process.

This past Saturday my husband and I went to his dad's house to watch the UF-Alabama game with his family. I was very excited to actually bring something to eat for everyone- my half made four layer Mexican dip (its supposed to be seven-layers!). Steve's dad was also making Spritz butter cookies for everyone. Somehow he messed up the recipe and he had to throw away the dough… and he seemed frustrated and kind of upset. I tried to save the day by running to the computer and googling the recipe online. I quickly printed it and brought it back to him proudly thinking it would solve the problem.

To my surprise he was still upset even after fixing the recipe. As I was cutting onions in the kitchen a light bulb went off in my head… it was not the cookies he cared about, it was the process of making the cookies. In past Christmas seasons his mom would bake the cookies, and it was a fun and joyous event for the family. The cookies could have tasted horrible- but the conversations, the laughter, and the fellowship is what it was really all about. This year his mom was in heaven and so was his first grandchild. And he missed them.

I was very humbled by this experience. I realized I don't have to have the right answers to other people's problems. When my family or friends called me when they are struggling with something, I don't have to have a magical solution to solve their problems! I am learning that just being is enough. That's the beautiful healing power of fellowship.

That same evening my dad called me from Venezuela to tell me how much he missed seeing me and my sisters during Christmas. I intuitively wanted to tell him that it was ok and he should be thankful for what he had. I wanted to share bible verses on God's love and His plan for us. But instead for the first time in many years, I just listened. And it was enough.

That was a life-changing moment for me!

Someone told me Christ sometimes does not always give us what we ask for right away, because he uses the process or time in between to draw us in a closer relationship with Him. At first I thought someone made this up to make me feel better about whatever I was going through at the time. And to me it sounded kind of cruel. But its true… looking back at my life I know I seek out God the most when I am at the bottom, and rarely at the top. I seek Him out when I am in situations I can't understand, because I rest in knowing God is always in control no matter what my emotions tell me.

Its funny, initially I turn to Christ mainly because of what He can give me- for his promises of prosperity, deliverance, and blessings. But in the process I get to know Him for who He is and not for what He can give me. As pastor Todd would say it- I begin to seek His face instead of His hand.

Yes, Christ has the power to give me all the things I ask for- but then where would our relationship be?

And at the end of it all I am humbled and thankful to say its all worth it.

He opened my eyes

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted T
he ones that are far beyond my reach
- Brandon Heath

When I was pregnant, there was one Saturday when my husband and I went out to the pool in the afternoon. As I laid out in the chair with my humungous belly, reading a book about being a mom, a young woman sat next to me reading a book about infertility. She looked at me and pointed out the irony of us sitting next to each other. I tried to encourage her, but how much can a very pregnant woman encourage someone who is having a hard time getting pregnant? Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and moved around. Nevertheless, I went home and prayed for her. As much as I wanted to I could not bring hope to her because I had not walked the same road she was going through.

The lyrics above are from one of my favorite songs by Brandon Heath. I actually think it is more of a prayer with some music playing in the background. These words come from someone who wants to get people on a more personal level. He knows there are people who are hurting out there, but somehow he keeps missing them as they pass by. I relate to this person because I have been given a new set of eyes after going through the pain of losing Andrew. I am able to see people and their hurt in ways I couldn’t before. These were people who were my closest friends, my family, co-workers, colleagues, and acquaintances. How had I not seen their pain when they were right in front of me all along?

God has given me compassion and a genuine interest in others around me. I don’t think God took Andrew away so I could in turn see people hurting around me. I don’t know the reasons He had for Andrew’s life being so short, they are too far above me for me to understand. It would be the same as if an ant would try to understand how the human mind works. No matter how hard the little ant tried, there is just no way to even comprehend the way humans think and feel.

What I do know is that in the midst of a world of wounded people, I can pass hope to others because I am wounded as well. I was wounded in my past and healed. I believe God can and will heal me and my family again.

The Depth of Grace

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast” Ephesians 2:8

Words cannot express how much and how long I had wanted to believe the statement above. I had heard these words plenty of times, in many different ways and yet my heart had a difficult time accepting it. In my mind I understood the concept of grace- that it was a gift we didn’t deserve. But my heart was a different story. As you know, I had a very performance based mentality, and I continued to strive to be perfect on a daily basis. I strived to be a better wife, a loyal friend, the smartest worker. I wanted to impress friends around me by showing off how ‘perfect; our life was. But honestly… I felt very tired. It’s as if I was going a million miles an hour, trying to chase after something that always seemed to elude me.

Not only was I constantly striving, but I also passed judgment on others constantly. As much as I longed not to be judgmental, I couldn’t help it! It was as if it was ingrained in my DNA. I tried to shake it off, close my eyes, and think good thoughts, but my judgment was always there, day in and day out.

For a couple of years now, Steve and I have attended Celebrate Recovery at our church on Thursday nights. This is a 12-step Christ centered program to recover from any hurt, habit, or hang-up. Although Steve and I didn’t have the obvious addictions such as drinking, drugs, sexual, etc, we had plenty of other hurts to make up for it! We truly enjoyed attending this program as we enjoyed the fellowship and transparency of others. After all… ‘it is the best place to be on Thursday nights!’

During this program, we got to hear the testimonies of people who had been down at the bottom and brought back to life. These were people who battled drug addictions, alcoholism, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, etc. They had been hopeless and walked through the darkest valleys. But at the end of every testimony, they shared the joy of being brought back to life! Christ had entered their life at some point and restored their health, their mind, and their relationships. They were walking miracles and I was in awe to be around them. I know there was no possible way they could have done it on their own.

As I heard these testimonies I realized one thing for sure: These people knew the gift of ‘Grace’ in a way that I could not. I had lived somewhat of a ‘grey’ life, while these people had lived in ‘black’ and brought to ‘white’. Does that make sense? Nothing too horrible had happened to me, but nothing too miraculous either. I was in the midst of a mundane life and my constant striving to be a ‘good’ person did not allow me to rest in God’s grace. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that something horrible has to happen to you to have a real relationship with God. There are many women that I know that love and appreciate the Lord with all their hearts and have a pretty joyful life. I am just talking from my personal experience and how I felt. I saw in the people who had given these testimonies that they were 100% resting in God’s grace. They knew they had been given an undeserved gift by someone much bigger and larger than them.

But I on the other hand, somewhat felt I deserved at least some of the good things that had happened to me. Steve and I watched children on the nursery, tithed, led weekly bible studies, and looked forward to going to church on Sundays. Somehow ‘undeserved’ did not ring as true for me in my heart. I was slowly becoming self-righteous.

There is a parable in the bible which clearly explains why my gratitude was not as deep in my heart (I love how Jesus always spoke in parables for us to understand!!). The story is found in Luke 7:41-42. To give a little bit of background, Jesus had been invited to dinner by a Pharisee (probably a guy who followed the rules and did all the good works). When Jesus gets there, a very sinful woman comes to meet Him. She is in such thankfulness and awe of Jesus that she can do nothing else but cry and kiss his feet! Then the ‘pharisee’ starts talking bad about this woman to Jesus, politely letting him know she has done some very bad things. Jesus obviously already knew what this woman had done. Instead of turning on her, he turns to the Pharisee and tells him this parable:

"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."

"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.

This woman had been forgiven a lot, and so her gratitude was immensely great. In my past, I had been forgiven little and so my gratitude was much less than someone who had been forgiven more. If someone one day forgives our mortage debt of $200,000 dollars I will be forever thankful. But if someone else forgives me a debt of $5, I will probably not remember the following week!

I know grace in a much deeper level now. I am down at the bottom of the pit and things look pretty hopeless down here. I googled the word 'pit' to find a picture of what it would look like (above). But I have hope in a God much bigger than me who is the only one who can rescue me. Even at the bottom of my pit, I know I am pressing on only by grace, not by my own strength. If I ever make it out of here, you can be sure I will be 100% resting in God’s grace and not on my works anymore. They do not earn me any more favor or love from him. I will have as much love now as He will ever give me! And I can rest now when I fall short of my expectations, knowing that even if I am not perfect, He will still love me just as much.

After Andrew died, I kept trying to figure out what I had done to cause Andrew to die. Was this a punishment? Had I not prayed with the right heart? I examined myself (as you can see from my blog writing) and I found many things that weren’t pretty. But I realized two things for sure: 1. There was nothing I had done to deserve my son’s death any more than anyone else with a healthy baby. 2. There was nothing I had done or could ever do to deserve Andrew to live. He was purely a gift.

I know now that all I have- my health, my husband, my home, my food, my family, and friends- are all a gift from above. I don’t deserve any of these things any more than the person next to me. If everything good in my life comes from above, who am I to judge on why others are in the path they are on? I've started to appreciate life in a way that I couldn’t before. I would look at homeless people in the street, and would think to myself ‘how lucky are you to be walking and be breathing right now?’ how I longed for Andrew to have some of that health. I do appreciate the miracle of life in a different way now.

I love Grace. Grace allows me to finally rest! It allows me to enjoy life and stop striving for next best thing. Grace replaces judgment with a spirit of gratitude, because I know I have been given something I will never deserve. There is no greater joy than to be given a beautiful present without expectations or strings attached!