A post on Lillian

With my social media break I thought I would take the time to write about Lillian and what it’s been like to have her in our family. I get asked that question often, and for some reason it’s a hard question to answer. She sure has been a joy and a delight to our family, and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way. I think its because I don’t ever want to put her on a pedestal or focus on her so much that she becomes the center of my world.

It also hasn’t been an easy last 9 months. Adding a baby has been exhausting! There have definitely been adjustments, sleep deprived nights, tired days, and days where I wondered how I would make it through the day. 

I’m so thankful for the great bond with Lillian from the time she was born. I definitely think a big part of it was having more skin to skin contact after she was born (something I didn’t get with the boys, but I insisted on to my doctor and the hospital this time around).

Also with both of the boys my mom came in town for the first 10-14 days and helped me tremendously with them. She would rock them to sleep and hold them endlessly for hours. I took that time to recover and try to catch up on sleep! But when Lillian was born my mom was very sick and wasn’t able to come until after a week or so… I was devastated and wondered how I would ever make it through! But looking back it was a blessing in disguise, because those early days allowed me to spend more time with her and develop a good bond with her. Steve of course always helped tremendously, but he usually held the fort up with the boys, meals, the house, and school. No easy task.

The first three months were very hard. She had severe reflux and that made for a sleep deprived and fussy baby. After she was put on medication she made a huge improvement and was able to sleep longer at a time. One thing she always had going for her was that she never had her nights and days confused. She would always sleep great when it was night (waking up to eat but going right back to sleep) and she was a horrible napper during the day. These days she sleeps through the night from 7pm to 6:30am and has been doing that for a few months all on her own. She’s in a pretty good napping routine, although recently she’s been changing it up on me as babies often do around 9 months.

Her nicknames in the house are: sneaky ninja (because you’ll sit her somewhere and two seconds later find her in a different room), sweetie-heart (by Steve).

She loves sweet potatoes and bananas. You mix any rice or vegetable with either of those and she’ll go to town. I’ve also struggled SO much less when it comes to feeding her. I had such a hard time with the boys but I think it was mostly my fault. I would always spoon feed them baby food (and often force them to eat when they didn’t want to) and with her I’m allowing her to pick up more finger foods in her own (and never forcing her to eat). I think she likes it and it gives her a sense of control. She doesn’t get as bored during mealtime and has been a great eater thus far. She even loves raw peppers??! Who would’ve thought.

I see a lot of Andrew when I see her. Her and Andrew where both born with the same blondish-strawberry hair. They both had round faces. They both had extremely big fingers and toes. Although for the first six months she truly was the SPITTING image of Palmer.

I am so in love with her smiles and giggles. She laughs often and I’m soaking every moment in. It probably helps she has two older siblings entertaining her every chance they get. The house feels quiet and empty when they’re at school, and I even feel bad for her because I can tell she misses having them around.

I am thankful to have a daughter. And while I am thankful I also know in my heart that having a daughter does not complete me as a person, or is in any way better than it would’ve been to have another sweet boy. I have heard comments along these lines from so many people, and they bother me. I know how difficult it is to even become pregnant, that any child God chooses to give us is a great honor and a blessing.

Christmas Time

It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We had just gotten home from the mall and I rushed to Lillian’s room to put her down to sleep. She had fallen asleep in the car and I was hoping she wouldn’t wake up, so I rushed the kids out of the car and ran to her room! When out of the blue Jack asked:

Mommy, do you think Christmas is a time when we should be greedy?

I didn’t even look at his face but I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was a sincere question. I could picture the wheels turning in his head trying to figure out what was right and what was wrong.

Oh how this question convicted me. See I had just spent the last week scourging for Black Friday deals coming up on Thanksgiving day. I had made a mental and physical list of all the things I wanted for myself and the kids. I knew I was greedy and it happened every single year around Thanksgiving time.

For those last two weeks I had repeatedly asked Jack what he wanted for Christmas. Grandparents and aunts and uncles wanted to know. I wanted to know! His answer was too simple: Legos. Nothing else. Not even a second or third item on his list! There was not even a specific Lego he wanted, he was pretty much happy with anything. And apparently this had not been good enough of an answer, so I continually asked him to think about it some more and get back to me. I needed more details and more ideas! Come on kid this is your golden opportunity to ask for anything you want… and all you can think of is a lego?

I didn’t answer his question right away but I circled back with him later that afternoon. I knew I couldn’t just give him the ‘politically correct’ answer because this savvy seven year old would see right through me. I knew I had been greedy myself and had bombarded him with questions about what he wanted. I may have said with words that we should be generous, but my actions were not saying the same thing.

That afternoon I told him that Christmas was a time to think about others. To think about the gift that Jesus is and that Christmas is a time to love on others less fortunate than us. I also told him it was easy to become greedy and that I myself struggled with it every year. I shared how the TV ads on toys made it tempting for us to want more and more things. And how hearing ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ over and over again would make us think more about us and less about others. That afternoon we prayed and asked God to change our hearts from takers to givers. And we talked about all kinds of practical ideas that we could do to love on others.

I’m not sharing this because there was a happy perfect ending. I have shopped online and still managed to spend quite a bit of time buying Christmas gifts since then. After all I do have to buy presents for family... but I am now reminded that my children are watching closely. And that as little as they are, they pick up on things quickly. My hope for them is that they will be generous young men (or women) when they grow up. I hope they will truly understand what Christmas is all about one day. And I pray that I will show them by example and not just by words.

On your 8th Birthday

Dear Andrew,

Today would’ve been your 8th birthday. This year it doesn’t seem as difficult as other years and that’s probably because my hands are full right now with your baby sister. Not that anyone would ever take your place, but it is a joy to hold a brand new life and marvel at the wonderful things God does. Thankfulness seems to surpass the grief this year.

I like to pause and remember on your birthday what a blessing you have been. Over the years your story has given us the opportunity to share our faith with others around us.  When tragedy strikes someone close by, we no longer turn the other way or shy away from the pain. Instead we can share our story - your story- as a testimony that God can bring good out of the most unthinkable of circumstances. When someone is hurting because they’ve lost a loved one, instead of saying ‘Just trust God!’ we can now understand their feelings of anger and doubt. And that it’s normal and not a sin to feel this way at times.

It is a blessing to be able to connect with the most broken hearted of people, and be able to walk alongside of them during their grief. These are roads that very few walk down upon and they can be very isolating. It is a privilege I never wished or asked for, but now that I’m here I wouldn’t give it back.

My heart changed the day you were born, but it changed even more the day you passed away. It had always been easy for me to trust the Lord when things were going good, but after you were gone I had to learn to trust God in dark places where life didn’t make sense. It wasn’t an easy process, it was hard and messy, imperfect, and certainly there were more bad days than good days. But God used that season to draw me closer to him and get to know some qualities about him I wouldn’t have known anywhere else. And when it’s all said and done, what I strive for in this life is to know God more, even if the process involves some difficult and hard places along the way.

The blessings that came from your life also came with a cost. My pregnancies since you’ve been gone have been very difficult. I’ve wrestled with fear of loss in all of them and wished I could’ve enjoyed them more. I thought about you every day during this last pregnancy. Even to this day I often wonder what life would look like with you in it.

These last three months have been joyful and difficult at the same time. I don’t take for granted the miracle of new life, but I also know how fragile it can be. During the newborn season I try so hard to be perfect- to make all the right decisions to protect this new little human that’s been entrusted to me- and I’m really hard on myself when I don’t make all those perfect decisions. I know it’s my own way of trying to be in control and prevent something bad from happening. Thankfully God extends His grace when I give in to worry and fear of losing another child. Because the fear is still there and I’m not sure it will ever fully go away.

Today I remember your life. I am so thankful for being able to hold you for those short 10 days, even with the countless tears that have come over the last 8 years. You were and are a great blessing, and I dream of the day when I will get to hold you again. 
"The Lord gives and He takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21

The Last Week

It seems surreal we are getting ready to meet Lillian in less than a week! While we are very excited there are other emotions that always seem to creep up the week before my due dates.

In my past pregnancies with Jack and Palmer it was difficult for me to allow myself to be excited. Because we had lost Andrew so unexpectedly after he was born, I didn’t want to go through the pain of cleaning up things for another empty nursery. I didn’t really talk to them in my belly like I did with Andrew, and when I did it was difficult and painful. I didn’t really post any pictures of my pregnancy with either. I was very private about both pregnancies.

In this pregnancy I have tried really hard to allow myself to be excited and it hasn’t come naturally. Not because she’s a girl, but Lord willing, because it will be my last pregnancy. I have many regrets of how I’ve done things in the past. I regret not enjoying my pregnancies more and staying so stuck in fear. I regret not getting ready for them as I should’ve, not singing and talking to them like I did in the past, not allowing myself to anticipate their arrival with joy.

Even after they were born, I regret wishing away that newborn season because it was just plain hard and exhausting. Looking back it went by in the blink of an eye and I wish I wouldn’t have looked so much forward to the future.

So this pregnancy has been different and I have enjoyed it more, much thanks to the help of friends and family. But as we get close to welcome her this time around, I am often reminded of Andrew. I have thought so much about him these last few weeks, multiple times a day. And I feel the same anticipation and excitement this time around as we did with Andrew… and it bring back all the memories I have of waiting for his arrival. There have been a few other things that have felt similar to my pregnancy with Andrew (and even Steve agreed with me the other night) that it has left me feeling unsettled and wondering how life will change after this baby. One way or another it will change significantly in five days, and I hope and pray that it ends with a healthy delivery and baby.

I sometimes wonder how I can miss Andrew so much even though he was only with us for 10 days. We have very little memories together other than our time at the hospital with him. We never got to know his laugh, his personality, or his perks. And yet somehow I miss him so so much all these years later. It is incredible how God gives us the ability to unconditionally love our children from the moment they are born, and even during pregnancy. I not only long for the short time we had together, but I think I also grieve all the dreams we had for him that didn’t come to happen. And so these days I miss him a lot.

Other than this mix of excitement, fear, and missing Andrew- physically I am doing ok. I didn't think I was going to make it to my due date (per my big belly, pressure, and increasing contractions) but I think I will probably make it after all. I don't have the energy to do much these days and I've been resting a lot so I don't go into labor early. 

Really appreciate everyone’s prayers for delivery next week. I don’t quite feel ready yet here at home, but I’m hoping that I’ll have time to wrap everything at home during the days I’ll have at home before delivery. My c-section is scheduled for Friday morning at 9am on April 22nd. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!