It seems
surreal we are getting ready to meet Lillian in less than a week! While we are
very excited there are other emotions that always seem to creep up the week
before my due dates.
In my past pregnancies
with Jack and Palmer it was difficult for me to allow myself to be excited. Because
we had lost Andrew so unexpectedly after he was born, I didn’t want to go
through the pain of cleaning up things for another empty nursery. I didn’t
really talk to them in my belly like I did with Andrew, and when I did it was difficult
and painful. I didn’t really post any pictures of my pregnancy with either. I
was very private about both pregnancies.
In this
pregnancy I have tried really hard to allow myself to be excited and it hasn’t
come naturally. Not because she’s a girl, but Lord willing, because it will be
my last pregnancy. I have many regrets of how I’ve done things in the past. I
regret not enjoying my pregnancies more and staying so stuck in fear. I regret
not getting ready for them as I should’ve, not singing and talking to them like
I did in the past, not allowing myself to anticipate their arrival with joy.
Even after
they were born, I regret wishing away that newborn season because it was just
plain hard and exhausting. Looking back it went by in the blink of an eye and I
wish I wouldn’t have looked so much forward to the future.
So this
pregnancy has been different and I have enjoyed it more, much thanks to the
help of friends and family. But as we get close to welcome her this time around,
I am often reminded of Andrew. I have thought so much about him these last few
weeks, multiple times a day. And I feel the same anticipation and excitement
this time around as we did with Andrew… and it bring back all the memories I
have of waiting for his arrival. There have been a few other things that have
felt similar to my pregnancy with Andrew (and even Steve agreed with me the
other night) that it has left me feeling unsettled and wondering how life will
change after this baby. One way or another it will change significantly in five
days, and I hope and pray that it ends with a healthy delivery and baby.
I sometimes
wonder how I can miss Andrew so much even though he was only with us for 10
days. We have very little memories together other than our time at the hospital
with him. We never got to know his laugh, his personality, or his perks. And
yet somehow I miss him so so much all these years later. It is incredible how
God gives us the ability to unconditionally love our children from the moment
they are born, and even during pregnancy. I not only long for the short time we
had together, but I think I also grieve all the dreams we had for him that didn’t
come to happen. And so these days I miss him a lot.
Other than this mix of excitement, fear, and missing Andrew- physically I am doing ok. I didn't think I was going to make it to my due date (per my big belly, pressure, and increasing contractions) but I think I will probably make it after all. I don't have the energy to do much these days and I've been resting a lot so I don't go into labor early.
Really
appreciate everyone’s prayers for delivery next week. I don’t quite feel ready
yet here at home, but I’m hoping that I’ll have time to wrap everything at home
during the days I’ll have at home before delivery. My c-section is scheduled
for Friday morning at 9am on April 22nd. Thank you for your prayers
and encouragement!
