Seeking after Genuine



It has been a while since I’ve written a transparent post. I’ve started writing many times and have gotten stuck, as it’s not always easy to put into words what is going through my mind.  Maybe it’s the busyness and distractions that have come my way.

But I’ve really felt led to write this post. Lately I’ve felt that the pictures I’ve shared on social media are not a true reflection of my life. Because they’ve been pictures of travels, parties, weddings, and fun events- and I don’t want to come across as someone who is portraying a perfect life. My life is also filled with disappointments, tears, struggles, and hard decisions to be made. 

I don’t want the storyline of my life to be centered about me. I want it to be centered on God and living a life that brings Him glory... And lately there has been a mismatch between the two.

I used to seek after portraying a life that others would envy. That changed 5 years, 11 months, and 2 days ago- the day we kissed Andrew for the last time. There were a lot of good things God brought out of our loss, and I think one of the things He did was humbling my spirit. 

I remember the day when one of my best friend’s mom (who had lost her only daughter when she was around 9 months old) kindly said to me: 

Unfortunately you have just joined a club no one wants to belong to. Not one person would trade places with you right now.

And then it hit me- I had worked so hard for so long to impress others, yet here I was standing in a place where no one wanted to be.

But in the months that followed, in the midst of my brokenness, I experienced a deep relationship with the Lord unlike anything I had experienced before. And over the years that followed God continued to mold and shape my perspective- to not avoid the pain of the broken and imperfect things. But instead to embrace them because He embraces them. To know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is right there in the midst of everything that seems irreparable and hopeless. And to not shy away from that pain.

I wonder if it’s what shaped me to want to be a foster parent. Not that we’ve done a perfect job (in fact I think we’ve done a pretty bad job in figuring it all out!) but I still have a burning desire to reach out to a section of our community whose stories alone are hard to listen to.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve swung to the other side of the pendulum. But then I remember I’m not seeking to be broken or humbled just to be close to the Lord. I certainly still fear trials, sickness, and death.  Perhaps even more than the average person because I know that it can happen to me.

But I stand in the middle- I’m seeking after being genuine. And that’s hard to do sometimes when we communicate through social media.

I don’t believe that God causes bad things to bring us closer to Him as some sort of corrective punishment.  But I do find rest in God’s sovereignty and that I can trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. Whatever pain He allows in my life I know He already has a plan to use it for good. Not just for His glory, not just to draw others closer to Him, but for good in my heart and the story He’s writing in my life.

Something in me changed and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to who I used to be. Countless times I’ve wished that I could turn back time and go back to who I was back then. But today I’m finally comfortable in who I am. I’m really thankful for all God has done in my life and that the many blessings He has given me in the midst of difficult times. They have come at a high price but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.