It has been a while since I’ve written a transparent post.
I’ve started writing many times and have gotten stuck, as it’s not always easy
to put into words what is going through my mind. Maybe it’s the busyness and distractions that
have come my way.
But I’ve really felt led to write this post. Lately I’ve
felt that the pictures I’ve shared on social media are not a true reflection of
my life. Because they’ve been pictures of travels, parties, weddings, and fun
events- and I don’t want to come across as someone who is portraying a perfect
life. My life is also filled with disappointments, tears, struggles, and hard
decisions to be made.
I don’t want the storyline of my life to be centered about
me. I want it to be centered on God and living a life that brings Him glory... And
lately there has been a mismatch between the two.
I used to seek after portraying a life that others would
envy. That changed 5 years, 11 months, and 2 days ago- the day we kissed Andrew
for the last time. There were a lot of good things God brought out of our loss,
and I think one of the things He did was humbling my spirit.
I remember the day when one of my best friend’s mom (who had
lost her only daughter when she was around 9 months old) kindly said to me:
Unfortunately you have
just joined a club no one wants to belong to. Not one person would trade places
with you right now.
And then it hit me- I had worked so hard for so long to impress others,
yet here I was standing in a place where no one wanted to be.
But in the months that followed, in the midst of my
brokenness, I experienced a deep relationship with the Lord unlike anything I
had experienced before. And over the years that followed
God continued to mold and shape my perspective- to not avoid the pain of the
broken and imperfect things. But instead to embrace them because He embraces
them. To know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is right there in the midst
of everything that seems irreparable and hopeless. And to not shy away from
that pain.
I wonder if it’s what shaped me to want to be a foster
parent. Not that we’ve done a perfect job (in fact I think we’ve done a pretty
bad job in figuring it all out!) but I still have a burning desire to reach out
to a section of our community whose stories alone are hard to listen to.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve swung to the other side of the
pendulum. But then I remember I’m not seeking to be broken or humbled just to
be close to the Lord. I certainly still fear trials, sickness, and death. Perhaps even more than the average person
because I know that it can happen to me.
But I stand in the middle- I’m seeking after being genuine. And
that’s hard to do sometimes when we communicate through social media.
I don’t believe that God causes bad things to bring us
closer to Him as some sort of corrective punishment. But I do find rest in God’s sovereignty and
that I can trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. Whatever pain He
allows in my life I know He already has a plan to use it for good. Not just for
His glory, not just to draw others closer to Him, but for good in my heart and
the story He’s writing in my life.
Something in me changed and I don’t think I’ll ever go back
to who I used to be. Countless times I’ve wished that I could turn back time
and go back to who I was back then. But today I’m finally comfortable in who I am. I’m really
thankful for all God has done in my life and that the many blessings He has
given me in the midst of difficult times. They have come at a high price but I
wouldn’t trade them for anything.
