I have been reading this book that I just LOVE called Hind's feet on high places! I wish everyone could read this book (I think I will give it away for Christmas!). It is the story of 'Much-Afraid' and how she lives unhappy in the valley with her family 'The Fearings'. She embarks on a journey to the top of the high mountains despite pride, resentment, bitterness, and self-pity scheming ways to stop her along the way. It is such a neat picture of God's faithfulness and how life is not always picture perfect.
There was one paragraph in the beginning of the book I wanted to share which really caught my attention. I thought it was a neat way of wording something I've never really said outloud...
'As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react in them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character'.
The Journey
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A couple of years ago my University of Tampa mentor gave me a mug that said "Its about the journey, not the destination". I was quite frustrated with my MBA program at the time and ready to quit. I just wanted to get it over with! But even if I could have bought the certification somehow it would have been worthless. The worth of my MBA degree is what I learned in the process.
This past Saturday my husband and I went to his dad's house to watch the UF-Alabama game with his family. I was very excited to actually bring something to eat for everyone- my half made four layer Mexican dip (its supposed to be seven-layers!). Steve's dad was also making Spritz butter cookies for everyone. Somehow he messed up the recipe and he had to throw away the dough… and he seemed frustrated and kind of upset. I tried to save the day by running to the computer and googling the recipe online. I quickly printed it and brought it back to him proudly thinking it would solve the problem.
To my surprise he was still upset even after fixing the recipe. As I was cutting onions in the kitchen a light bulb went off in my head… it was not the cookies he cared about, it was the process of making the cookies. In past Christmas seasons his mom would bake the cookies, and it was a fun and joyous event for the family. The cookies could have tasted horrible- but the conversations, the laughter, and the fellowship is what it was really all about. This year his mom was in heaven and so was his first grandchild. And he missed them.
I was very humbled by this experience. I realized I don't have to have the right answers to other people's problems. When my family or friends called me when they are struggling with something, I don't have to have a magical solution to solve their problems! I am learning that just being is enough. That's the beautiful healing power of fellowship.
That same evening my dad called me from Venezuela to tell me how much he missed seeing me and my sisters during Christmas. I intuitively wanted to tell him that it was ok and he should be thankful for what he had. I wanted to share bible verses on God's love and His plan for us. But instead for the first time in many years, I just listened. And it was enough.
That was a life-changing moment for me!
Someone told me Christ sometimes does not always give us what we ask for right away, because he uses the process or time in between to draw us in a closer relationship with Him. At first I thought someone made this up to make me feel better about whatever I was going through at the time. And to me it sounded kind of cruel. But its true… looking back at my life I know I seek out God the most when I am at the bottom, and rarely at the top. I seek Him out when I am in situations I can't understand, because I rest in knowing God is always in control no matter what my emotions tell me.
Its funny, initially I turn to Christ mainly because of what He can give me- for his promises of prosperity, deliverance, and blessings. But in the process I get to know Him for who He is and not for what He can give me. As pastor Todd would say it- I begin to seek His face instead of His hand.
Yes, Christ has the power to give me all the things I ask for- but then where would our relationship be?
And at the end of it all I am humbled and thankful to say its all worth it.
This past Saturday my husband and I went to his dad's house to watch the UF-Alabama game with his family. I was very excited to actually bring something to eat for everyone- my half made four layer Mexican dip (its supposed to be seven-layers!). Steve's dad was also making Spritz butter cookies for everyone. Somehow he messed up the recipe and he had to throw away the dough… and he seemed frustrated and kind of upset. I tried to save the day by running to the computer and googling the recipe online. I quickly printed it and brought it back to him proudly thinking it would solve the problem.
To my surprise he was still upset even after fixing the recipe. As I was cutting onions in the kitchen a light bulb went off in my head… it was not the cookies he cared about, it was the process of making the cookies. In past Christmas seasons his mom would bake the cookies, and it was a fun and joyous event for the family. The cookies could have tasted horrible- but the conversations, the laughter, and the fellowship is what it was really all about. This year his mom was in heaven and so was his first grandchild. And he missed them.
I was very humbled by this experience. I realized I don't have to have the right answers to other people's problems. When my family or friends called me when they are struggling with something, I don't have to have a magical solution to solve their problems! I am learning that just being is enough. That's the beautiful healing power of fellowship.
That same evening my dad called me from Venezuela to tell me how much he missed seeing me and my sisters during Christmas. I intuitively wanted to tell him that it was ok and he should be thankful for what he had. I wanted to share bible verses on God's love and His plan for us. But instead for the first time in many years, I just listened. And it was enough.
That was a life-changing moment for me!
Someone told me Christ sometimes does not always give us what we ask for right away, because he uses the process or time in between to draw us in a closer relationship with Him. At first I thought someone made this up to make me feel better about whatever I was going through at the time. And to me it sounded kind of cruel. But its true… looking back at my life I know I seek out God the most when I am at the bottom, and rarely at the top. I seek Him out when I am in situations I can't understand, because I rest in knowing God is always in control no matter what my emotions tell me.
Its funny, initially I turn to Christ mainly because of what He can give me- for his promises of prosperity, deliverance, and blessings. But in the process I get to know Him for who He is and not for what He can give me. As pastor Todd would say it- I begin to seek His face instead of His hand.
Yes, Christ has the power to give me all the things I ask for- but then where would our relationship be?
And at the end of it all I am humbled and thankful to say its all worth it.
He opened my eyes
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted T
he ones that are far beyond my reach
- Brandon Heath
When I was pregnant, there was one Saturday when my husband and I went out to the pool in the afternoon. As I laid out in the chair with my humungous belly, reading a book about being a mom, a young woman sat next to me reading a book about infertility. She looked at me and pointed out the irony of us sitting next to each other. I tried to encourage her, but how much can a very pregnant woman encourage someone who is having a hard time getting pregnant? Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and moved around. Nevertheless, I went home and prayed for her. As much as I wanted to I could not bring hope to her because I had not walked the same road she was going through.
The lyrics above are from one of my favorite songs by Brandon Heath. I actually think it is more of a prayer with some music playing in the background. These words come from someone who wants to get people on a more personal level. He knows there are people who are hurting out there, but somehow he keeps missing them as they pass by. I relate to this person because I have been given a new set of eyes after going through the pain of losing Andrew. I am able to see people and their hurt in ways I couldn’t before. These were people who were my closest friends, my family, co-workers, colleagues, and acquaintances. How had I not seen their pain when they were right in front of me all along?
God has given me compassion and a genuine interest in others around me. I don’t think God took Andrew away so I could in turn see people hurting around me. I don’t know the reasons He had for Andrew’s life being so short, they are too far above me for me to understand. It would be the same as if an ant would try to understand how the human mind works. No matter how hard the little ant tried, there is just no way to even comprehend the way humans think and feel.
What I do know is that in the midst of a world of wounded people, I can pass hope to others because I am wounded as well. I was wounded in my past and healed. I believe God can and will heal me and my family again.
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted T
he ones that are far beyond my reach
- Brandon Heath
When I was pregnant, there was one Saturday when my husband and I went out to the pool in the afternoon. As I laid out in the chair with my humungous belly, reading a book about being a mom, a young woman sat next to me reading a book about infertility. She looked at me and pointed out the irony of us sitting next to each other. I tried to encourage her, but how much can a very pregnant woman encourage someone who is having a hard time getting pregnant? Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and moved around. Nevertheless, I went home and prayed for her. As much as I wanted to I could not bring hope to her because I had not walked the same road she was going through.
The lyrics above are from one of my favorite songs by Brandon Heath. I actually think it is more of a prayer with some music playing in the background. These words come from someone who wants to get people on a more personal level. He knows there are people who are hurting out there, but somehow he keeps missing them as they pass by. I relate to this person because I have been given a new set of eyes after going through the pain of losing Andrew. I am able to see people and their hurt in ways I couldn’t before. These were people who were my closest friends, my family, co-workers, colleagues, and acquaintances. How had I not seen their pain when they were right in front of me all along?
God has given me compassion and a genuine interest in others around me. I don’t think God took Andrew away so I could in turn see people hurting around me. I don’t know the reasons He had for Andrew’s life being so short, they are too far above me for me to understand. It would be the same as if an ant would try to understand how the human mind works. No matter how hard the little ant tried, there is just no way to even comprehend the way humans think and feel.
What I do know is that in the midst of a world of wounded people, I can pass hope to others because I am wounded as well. I was wounded in my past and healed. I believe God can and will heal me and my family again.
The Depth of Grace
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast” Ephesians 2:8Words cannot express how much and how long I had wanted to believe the statement above. I had heard these words plenty of times, in many different ways and yet my heart had a difficult time accepting it. In my mind I understood the concept of grace- that it was a gift we didn’t deserve. But my heart was a different story. As you know, I had a very performance based mentality, and I continued to strive to be perfect on a daily basis. I strived to be a better wife, a loyal friend, the smartest worker. I wanted to impress friends around me by showing off how ‘perfect; our life was. But honestly… I felt very tired. It’s as if I was going a million miles an hour, trying to chase after something that always seemed to elude me.
Not only was I constantly striving, but I also passed judgment on others constantly. As much as I longed not to be judgmental, I couldn’t help it! It was as if it was ingrained in my DNA. I tried to shake it off, close my eyes, and think good thoughts, but my judgment was always there, day in and day out.
For a couple of years now, Steve and I have attended Celebrate Recovery at our church on Thursday nights. This is a 12-step Christ centered program to recover from any hurt, habit, or hang-up. Although Steve and I didn’t have the obvious addictions such as drinking, drugs, sexual, etc, we had plenty of other hurts to make up for it! We truly enjoyed attending this program as we enjoyed the fellowship and transparency of others. After all… ‘it is the best place to be on Thursday nights!’
During this program, we got to hear the testimonies of people who had been down at the bottom and brought back to life. These were people who battled drug addictions, alcoholism, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, etc. They had been hopeless and walked through the darkest valleys. But at the end of every testimony, they shared the joy of being brought back to life! Christ had entered their life at some point and restored their health, their mind, and their relationships. They were walking miracles and I was in awe to be around them. I know there was no possible way they could have done it on their own.
As I heard these testimonies I realized one thing for sure: These people knew the gift of ‘Grace’ in a way that I could not. I had lived somewhat of a ‘grey’ life, while these people had lived in ‘black’ and brought to ‘white’. Does that make sense? Nothing too horrible had happened to me, but nothing too miraculous either. I was in the midst of a mundane life and my constant striving to be a ‘good’ person did not allow me to rest in God’s grace. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that something horrible has to happen to you to have a real relationship with God. There are many women that I know that love and appreciate the Lord with all their hearts and have a pretty joyful life. I am just talking from my personal experience and how I felt. I saw in the people who had given these testimonies that they were 100% resting in God’s grace. They knew they had been given an undeserved gift by someone much bigger and larger than them.
But I on the other hand, somewhat felt I deserved at least some of the good things that had happened to me. Steve and I watched children on the nursery, tithed, led weekly bible studies, and looked forward to going to church on Sundays. Somehow ‘undeserved’ did not ring as true for me in my heart. I was slowly becoming self-righteous.
There is a parable in the bible which clearly explains why my gratitude was not as deep in my heart (I love how Jesus always spoke in parables for us to understand!!). The story is found in Luke 7:41-42. To give a little bit of background, Jesus had been invited to dinner by a Pharisee (probably a guy who followed the rules and did all the good works). When Jesus gets there, a very sinful woman comes to meet Him. She is in such thankfulness and awe of Jesus that she can do nothing else but cry and kiss his feet! Then the ‘pharisee’ starts talking bad about this woman to Jesus, politely letting him know she has done some very bad things. Jesus obviously already knew what this woman had done. Instead of turning on her, he turns to the Pharisee and tells him this parable:
"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."
"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.
This woman had been forgiven a lot, and so her gratitude was immensely great. In my past, I had been forgiven little and so my gratitude was much less than someone who had been forgiven more. If someone one day forgives our mortage debt of $200,000 dollars I will be forever thankful. But if someone else forgives me a debt of $5, I will probably not remember the following week!
I know grace in a much deeper level now. I am down at the bottom of the pit and things look pretty hopeless down here. I googled the word 'pit' to find a picture of what it would look like (above). But I have hope in a God much bigger than me who is the only one who can rescue me. Even at the bottom of my pit, I know I am pressing on only by grace, not by my own strength. If I ever make it out of here, you can be sure I will be 100% resting in God’s grace and not on my works anymore. They do not earn me any more favor or love from him. I will have as much love now as He will ever give me! And I can rest now when I fall short of my expectations, knowing that even if I am not perfect, He will still love me just as much.
After Andrew died, I kept trying to figure out what I had done to cause Andrew to die. Was this a punishment? Had I not prayed with the right heart? I examined myself (as you can see from my blog writing) and I found many things that weren’t pretty. But I realized two things for sure: 1. There was nothing I had done to deserve my son’s death any more than anyone else with a healthy baby. 2. There was nothing I had done or could ever do to deserve Andrew to live. He was purely a gift.
I know now that all I have- my health, my husband, my home, my food, my family, and friends- are all a gift from above. I don’t deserve any of these things any more than the person next to me. If everything good in my life comes from above, who am I to judge on why others are in the path they are on? I've started to appreciate life in a way that I couldn’t before. I would look at homeless people in the street, and would think to myself ‘how lucky are you to be walking and be breathing right now?’ how I longed for Andrew to have some of that health. I do appreciate the miracle of life in a different way now.
I love Grace. Grace allows me to finally rest! It allows me to enjoy life and stop striving for next best thing. Grace replaces judgment with a spirit of gratitude, because I know I have been given something I will never deserve. There is no greater joy than to be given a beautiful present without expectations or strings attached!
A night with Pam Tebow
Friday, November 21, 2008
Last night Steve and I were invited to a charity dinner benefitting ‘The Woman’s Place’. This organization is dedicated to provide counseling to teenagers who unexpectedly get pregnant and are thinking about abortion. They promote sexual integrity, adoption, and many other great things. I thought it would be a fun dinner out with friends, but it ended up being more difficult than I had expected.The first speaker of the night was Pam Tebow (Mom to the famous UF quarterback, Tim Tebow). She gave a beautiful speech about how she had been advised to abort 4 different times during her pregnancy with Tim. Her and her husband were missionaries and she was very malnourished during her pregnancy. Then she got a very rare disease and Tim and her were expected to die. Her and her husband decided to trust the Lord and not abort, and 18 years later little did they know out of that difficult pregnancy, they would have a Heisman winning star quarterback! It was evident Pam had a genuine passion to spread the gospel of Christ and encourage others to trust the Lord. As she kept talking about how much God loves babies and knits them fearfully and wonderfully made, I couldn’t help but think what had been so different about my baby. I felt a little angry and started again to question why all of this had happened. Did my God love Andrew just a little bit less than everyone else? I don’t think so. I know Jesus loved Andrew with all of His heart. He gave Andrew a family that loved on him every second he was here with us. He gave Andrew gentle nurses that took extra care of him. I could feel how much Jesus loved Andrew. But why take him away from excited expectant parents, and grant a child to a teenager who got pregnant with a one night stand after some drunken night?
The reasoning for that is not for me to know or understand at this moment. I do know God is fair, and he gives His children what is best. I can’t help but to think about what I realized during the time Andrew was at the hospital- that people’s body process medication differently and they uniquely respond to it. One medication might work beautifully for one person, but it can do nothing to the next one, and even harm the next one. We are uniquely and wonderfully made. So I take that principle and apply it back to my life. Maybe having a child to a freshman in college might help her get her life together and teach her unconditional love. Maybe being a parent for Steve and me right now would lead us to be self-centered and would take us in a path away from the Lord, or a place where he doesn’t want us. Even if both of these statements are far from the truth, I do know that I have a father in heaven that knows better than I do and I trust the judgment He makes.
Steve gave me a sweet reminder as I was getting out of the car last night from the dinner. He could tell I was sad and he looked into my eyes and said ‘Carolina, God has us right where he wants us to be’. I am thankful to be reminded of that by my loving husband during times when I feel defeated because I can’t see the big picture.
Unconditional Love
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The second day Andrew was in the NICU, my husband and I faced a very tough reality. Our beautiful, long-awaited son was very likely to have developmental problems. I remember Steve and I crying and holding each other in the NICU next to Andrew as we heard the news. The doctors could not foretell the severity of his problems- but it was a very wide range. Perhaps he would never speak or communicate with others. Perhaps he would not be able to move. Perhaps he would never be independent. It was my worst fear come true. I wondered if I would still love Andrew just as much of if I would be embarrassed by him around others. I could see myself taking him out and other people shunning us or making fun of him.
The day before Andrew passed away, I got on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. And that is when I clearly felt God say ‘Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you’. I didn’t hear a voice from above, I just felt it in my heart. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question- Would I stilll love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.
I surrendered my fear to the Lord that afternoon and pleaded with him to give us Andrew, even if it meant he would have severe deficiencies. I know it was God who blessed me unconditional love for my son which I didn’t have before on my own. I realized then I would love Andrew no matter what happened. I would never leave him or forsake him.
The day before Andrew passed away, I got on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. And that is when I clearly felt God say ‘Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you’. I didn’t hear a voice from above, I just felt it in my heart. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question- Would I stilll love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.
I surrendered my fear to the Lord that afternoon and pleaded with him to give us Andrew, even if it meant he would have severe deficiencies. I know it was God who blessed me unconditional love for my son which I didn’t have before on my own. I realized then I would love Andrew no matter what happened. I would never leave him or forsake him.
I believe deep down in my heart this is how God loves me- without any expectations or conditions.
Fear of being vulnerable
I don't want to spend my whole life asking
"What if I had given everything…?
No regrets, not this time…
- 'The Motions' by Mathew West
On September 2008, two my sisters and I had the opportunity to visit my mom on her birthday. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together, so this weekend was very special. On Saturday night as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I asked my mom if she were given the choice to go back to the past would she choose to have us all over again? Would she marry my dad still and go through the difficult journey she went through? We had brought so many tears to her, I wondered if she would do it all over again. She responded that of course she would do it all over again, and that is what worth every tear. She would still marry my dad and have us, but she would choose to speak her mind more to dad, set better boundaries, etc. She only regretted the actions she didn’t take, not the ones she did take.
I remember asking my husband one night as we were going to sleep, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without even blinking he said YES. Holding Andrew had been the best day of his life and it was worth every tear we had. I on the other hand, was not as quick to say yes to it all over again. I remember the first time I held Andrew I did not feel immediate love, but instead I felt fear. I was afraid of the changes in my life this little one would have. Little did I imagine at the time the journey I would go through. If you look at the picture above, you can see a sparkle in my husband's eye. He was the happiest man in the world! But if you look into my eyes you will see reluctance and fear.
I have always been afraid to be vulnerable. In high school I never really dated. I had crushes on boys don’t get me wrong, but was always too afraid to get close to them. I would freeze and usually muttered a few words which didn’t make sense. So I became obsessive and daydreamed a lot, always keeping my distance from men.
I remember one night Steve watching his favorite baseball team on TV. He was crushed because they were losing in the 7th inning. I looked at him and said ‘See, I’m glad I don’t have a favorite team. This way I won’t get disappointed when they lose!’. That night the team turned around in a late inning and won the game to go to the World Series. I also didn’t get to experience the same joy he felt when they won that night.
Do you see a theme here? There is a theme of fear. Fear to make myself vulnerable to experience joy and pain. Fear to truly love others because I am afraid of the pain I might experience if I ever lost them. Fear that I will be hurt again by someone I love.
I am drawn to the ‘Parable of the talents’ in Mathew 25 to understand how God feels about this ‘fear’. This is the story of the master who gives his three servants money to invest for him. He comes back and judges each accordingly to his actions.
My first reaction is why would the third man be sent into darkness where there is ‘weeping and gnashing of the teeth’? To me it seems a very harsh judgment to a man who after all only wanted to protect what he had been given. I think I would have reacted the same way. What if the man with ‘five talents’ would have only been given one- would he have risked it all? Yes I think he would have. He didn’t keep any talents ‘safely’ at home. The man with two talents risked it all as well: he could have kept one at home and risked the second one. BUT they both put ALL of their talents out there at risk of losing it all. Jesus makes the point it does not matter if you have a lot or a little to lose. What matters is that you give it your all.
God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all of our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. Is it worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? The answer a thousand times yes! I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like his- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love. I could have lived the rest of my life half heartedly loving children, husband, family, and friends. Now I will give them my all.
"What if I had given everything…?
No regrets, not this time…
- 'The Motions' by Mathew West
On September 2008, two my sisters and I had the opportunity to visit my mom on her birthday. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together, so this weekend was very special. On Saturday night as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, I asked my mom if she were given the choice to go back to the past would she choose to have us all over again? Would she marry my dad still and go through the difficult journey she went through? We had brought so many tears to her, I wondered if she would do it all over again. She responded that of course she would do it all over again, and that is what worth every tear. She would still marry my dad and have us, but she would choose to speak her mind more to dad, set better boundaries, etc. She only regretted the actions she didn’t take, not the ones she did take.
I remember asking my husband one night as we were going to sleep, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without even blinking he said YES. Holding Andrew had been the best day of his life and it was worth every tear we had. I on the other hand, was not as quick to say yes to it all over again. I remember the first time I held Andrew I did not feel immediate love, but instead I felt fear. I was afraid of the changes in my life this little one would have. Little did I imagine at the time the journey I would go through. If you look at the picture above, you can see a sparkle in my husband's eye. He was the happiest man in the world! But if you look into my eyes you will see reluctance and fear.
I have always been afraid to be vulnerable. In high school I never really dated. I had crushes on boys don’t get me wrong, but was always too afraid to get close to them. I would freeze and usually muttered a few words which didn’t make sense. So I became obsessive and daydreamed a lot, always keeping my distance from men.
I remember one night Steve watching his favorite baseball team on TV. He was crushed because they were losing in the 7th inning. I looked at him and said ‘See, I’m glad I don’t have a favorite team. This way I won’t get disappointed when they lose!’. That night the team turned around in a late inning and won the game to go to the World Series. I also didn’t get to experience the same joy he felt when they won that night.
Do you see a theme here? There is a theme of fear. Fear to make myself vulnerable to experience joy and pain. Fear to truly love others because I am afraid of the pain I might experience if I ever lost them. Fear that I will be hurt again by someone I love.
I am drawn to the ‘Parable of the talents’ in Mathew 25 to understand how God feels about this ‘fear’. This is the story of the master who gives his three servants money to invest for him. He comes back and judges each accordingly to his actions.
My first reaction is why would the third man be sent into darkness where there is ‘weeping and gnashing of the teeth’? To me it seems a very harsh judgment to a man who after all only wanted to protect what he had been given. I think I would have reacted the same way. What if the man with ‘five talents’ would have only been given one- would he have risked it all? Yes I think he would have. He didn’t keep any talents ‘safely’ at home. The man with two talents risked it all as well: he could have kept one at home and risked the second one. BUT they both put ALL of their talents out there at risk of losing it all. Jesus makes the point it does not matter if you have a lot or a little to lose. What matters is that you give it your all.
God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all of our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. Is it worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? The answer a thousand times yes! I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like his- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love. I could have lived the rest of my life half heartedly loving children, husband, family, and friends. Now I will give them my all.
The story of Andrew
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in You, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in You.
- Brooke Frasier, Shadowfeet
I have never written like this before, but there is so much God showed me after the death of my son that I think it would be selfish not to write about it. Losing a newborn son can feel like the biggest curse someone could ever receive, yet I feel it was the biggest blessing I have ever received.
I'll be found in You, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in You.
- Brooke Frasier, Shadowfeet
I have never written like this before, but there is so much God showed me after the death of my son that I think it would be selfish not to write about it. Losing a newborn son can feel like the biggest curse someone could ever receive, yet I feel it was the biggest blessing I have ever received.
My husband and I waited anxiously for our son Andrew Turner Briggs to arrive on July 19, 2008. Andrew was born at 8:02 pm on July 14, 2008 a couple of days earlier than his due date. About a day after he was born he started crying uncontrollably and was sent to the NICU. After a few hours and much testing, the neonatal doctor sat us down and told us Andrew had suffered from lack of oxygen to his brain at some point during late pregnancy or delivery. She could not predict what the prognosis would be, but it was not a promising one. The autopsy confirmed this as they were not able to find anything else.
The world had started to shake from under my feet, but I knew if I held on the Lord things would be all right. So I closed my eyes, grabbed on to him tightly, and hoped for a miracle. After all God likes to work with those who have little chances. I hoped this was one of those times. During the time our son was in the NICU, I cried out to the Lord from the deepest parts of my body. My husband and I did nothing but pray and ask friends to pray for his healing during this time. I knew God could heal him completely if he wanted to. Perhaps if I prayed and cried hard enough he would have mercy on Andrew.
I was shocked when He still chose to take him away on July 24, 2008.Our son never made it home and he passed away 10 days after he was born at 8pm, the same hour he was born. The world had finally completely crumbled under me and I was still holding on the Lord with my eyes closed, hoping it had all been just a bad dream. I felt abandoned by the Lord for not answering my prayer. After all what kind of God would want to take a child from his parents? My emotions told me God had either left me or he just didn’t care about us. I felt this way day in and day out for the weeks that followed. Yet I knew the bible said otherwise- it had a promise of God’s unconditional love, of good plans and blessing God wanted to bestow on those who loved him. There was a great disconnect between the two.
I am thankful to serve a Lord who loves me even when my world falls apart. His promise in the bible is not that He wil spare us from tragedy, His promise has always been that He will be the one holding me together when I should falling apart. His grace is and will always be more than enough for me.
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