A year ago today...

Last year on November 30, 2008 I drove down to Lido Key beach by myself to spend time with the Lord. It was a very difficult thanksgiving weekend without Andrew and I remember crying a lot.

I drove down to Lido Key because earlier that year we had gone there with a group of friends on Memorial day weekend, as we've done every year since we graduated from college (all the pictures above are from that weekend). I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew and had such a wonderful time that weekend. The weather was beautiful, we had been upgraded to a beachfront room for free, we had our own little tiki hut all weekend... it was just relaxing and so much fun. I remember getting up early in the morning and having a quiet time with the Lord by the beach that weekend. I remember enjoying it and feeling such peace. I was so excited for Andrew to join us and everyone else around us too. It was most of what we talked about and how excited we were that he would join us the following year.

So I drove down on a cold Saturday thanksgiving weekend by myself to the same spot where the world had all been so perfect at one time. I had to ask God the tough questions I had been harboring in my heart and leave them his feet. I was angry, mourning, sad, resentful, and broken.There were a lot of things I asked the Lord that day, one of them being another child on that day. Here is a very small part of what I wrote (I couldn't believe I wrote 11 pages!)

I am scared of sadness that will last forever. of pain and hopelessness. Will you please redeems us and grant us a son or daughter. Nothing is too hard for You... Please Jesus have mercy on us and redeeem us and redeem our brokeness Lord.

I long to be a mom more than ever. I long to get up a million times a night. To kiss and love on a child. I long to learn from my children, and to see You in them. I long for Steve to be a dad. For him to use all the parenting skills you've already given him! You shaped him into a great dad! Please Jesus give us this desire of our hearts.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this same time next year and Sarah will have a son" Genesis 18:14

I don't know why I wrote that verse specifically, but I am so glad to find myself here a year later with a son! I am so grateful for the sweet, wonderful blessing Jack is to us and our family. I just wanted to take a moment to thank Christ for answering my prayer on that day. I know He always listens, but sometimes His answer is no, yes, or simply wait. I have not done anything do deserve the miracle of having a child. In fact I probably did the opposite! I fretted, worried, struggled... and yet God's grace was still abundant on us. And for His grace I am thankful.

I am also thankful for being Andrew's mom for such a short time. If I could do it all over again I would do it in a heartbeat! I find rest in knowing the Lord is sovereign over everything and everyone- and if He allowed the unthinkable to happen, I don't have to understand why but I simply have to trust Him. I am thankful He has brought Steve and I through the valley and transformed us in the process. I will never be the same person I was that memorial day weekend on Lido Key, but for that change I am thankful too.

Update

I am loving more and more getting to know Jack. He is such an independent little boy, he definitely lets us know when he doesn't want or wants something! He has a strong little personality, I wonder what he'll be like when he grows up. I think he will keep me running around for sure, he already can turn over from his belly to his back and he did this at 7 weeks! He also continually tries to turn from his back to his belly when we put him on his playmat and gets really frustrated when he can't do so. He is so lovable and I just love to kiss on his little cheeks!

He is also smiling which is SO good for my heart. He loves to smile for dad in the mornings right before he goes off to work. He enjoys sitting on his bouncy seat and looking around, he will be content there for up to 20 minutes! He loves to look towards the TV although he can't see it really. He also enjoys country music, he usually falls asleep to it in the car :)

Motherhood has not gotten easier, in fact it has gotten much harder this past month. He has his off days and sometimes he is really gassy and uncomfortable. I am however past my the deep fog of sadness that I was in that first month. I did have postpartum depression and as a word of caution to any moms out there who have lost a baby- we are at a MUCH greater risk of post-partum depression. I remember taking a questionnaire before I left the hospital to screen if I was at risk for it, and the nurse came somewhat alarmed to tell me I was at a very high risk category. Also our friend Pam who is a doula told me that mothers of twins are at a much greater risk as well.

I was surprised that post partum hit me so hard, specially when I did not experience this depression after Andrew passed away. I was grieving and I of course would cry, but in a different way. I do not wish post partum depression on anyone and encourage to seek help the earlier, the better.

I will try to post updates more often!