I have been working on this post all week deciding on what to share/not to share about the last part of our weekend in Tallahassee. I often pray whatever I write would glorify the Lord and He would the pain we've experienced to encourage others who are in the midst of their pain. This ended up being a more personal and emotional post than I originally intended it to be, and after much thought I have finally decided to share what I originally wrote.
So back to our weekend in Talahassee...
For the actual game, Jack and I headed back to the hotel for his afternoon nap. I was not too bummed about missing the actual game because I hate the idea of us standing for hours. So my little buddy and I took a nice long nap together. I really love being his mom!
After our nap we headed back to campus to meet everyone at the Steve's old fraternity house for Ryan's memorial scholarship award as I wrote about
here. Again it was very special and a wonderful way to remember Ryan. We had not been able to make it the previous two years because I was either pregnant or just had a baby- so I was really glad to have made it back this year.
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| A picture with Mr. and Mrs. L'Homme under Ryan's picture |
I was very emotional Saturday evening and could not figure out exactly why. I really just wanted to have a good cry but couldn't understand it because I was really having a good time. And Jack was just SUCH a ham that afternoon and kept making everyone laugh.
As I was driving back home on Sunday, I realized last time we had been to Tallahassee was November 2007 when I was only 4 weeks pregnant with Andrew.
And then all the memories started coming back from where I had been three years ago. I was an over-the-top excited expectant mother with her first child. I had been blissfully happy and grateful for the blessings we were given. And I felt sooo sad last weekend because life ended up turning out so different than I ever had planned or hoped for.
I found this journal entry dated November 17, 2007. I wrote this Saturday night in Tallahassee in our hotel room. It also happened to be the anniversary date of when Steve and I first met.
'Today is 8 years exactly from the day Steve and I met. I'm soo thankful God brought us together in the midst of my drinking and partying our freshman year of college. I truly love him and enjoy being around him all the time. I can't believe I'm now pregnant! Exactly 4 days ago on Tuesday I found out! Part of my is so excited, part of me emotionless, part of me too emotional... I'm really excited about God and all the changes He has ahead for us. I just pray that I slow down enough to listen. I'm always so busy. I know he will guide the way although it is a little bit difficult still because I always want to 'know' what He is up to...'
Also wrote down these two verses:
'So do not worry about anything saying What shall we eat or what shall we drink? or 'What shall we wear?' for the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly father knows that you need them. Mathew 6:31-32
Which of you if your son asks for bread will give him a stone?... If you then though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Mathew 6:9
And so I have been wrestling with God about all of this over the last two weeks. So many emotions started to come back and honestly I felt deceived and lied to after reading this. It makes me angry and sad. And it makes God as mysterious and puzzling as ever. Really who can understand the way He works?
To this day (although not nearly as often) I go back and forth between blaming myself in some way- like did I do something to make Him change His mind along the way? why did He choose us? and blaming Him- Why didn't you give me a heads up? why didn't you protect Andrew if you're sovereign? and how could you tell me not too worry? Obviously I had a whole lot to worry about.
But another part of me knows that worrying wouldn't have changed the outcome.
Another part of me knows that God is sovereign and does not need to tell us what His plans are all the time.
He does not have to keep me in the 'know'.
Another part of me knows even if He would've told me what His plans were I still would not have been able to understand with my limited human capacity.
That knowing would not have made the pain easier.
And I know that having Andrew for the short time that we did was a precious gift from God, even if it really hurt when he was taken away.
And that Jack is a second precious gift from Him too.
I go back and forth between my emotions and what I know in my mind to be true. That I'm a child of God and that He promises to ONLY give good gifts to his children. That His plan is not to harm me, but to prosper me. That His grace covers a multitude of sins even if I sinned during my pregnancy (which of course I did and I need to let go of blaming myself).
I am sharing all of this for a purpose... and please don't miss this along all of my jumbled writing. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is ok to wrestle these things out with God. That He wants me and you to take our brokeness and pain before Him. That if you have a tough question today that you have been too afraid to ask God- don't be! He is big enough to take it and loving enough to understand where we're at today.
By asking the tough questions of 'Where were you then? Where are you now? or Why are you allowing this?' I don't think he will get angry and punish me. I've experienced the total opposite happen- that by being real with Him, He is finally able to heal that broken part of me and take away the hurt. Busyness, my job, or focusing on other new things might mask the pain for a while but it will be there just as fresh as it was on the first day. None of these things have the power to heal the way He does.
In bringing my questions to Him I am not blaming God. I am simply letting Him know what is in my heart (which He already knows anyways) and saying 'Here it is, it really hurts, I don't like the way you did things, but please change all my questions and doubt into something else because I'm not able to do it on my own and otherwise I will dwell on them for the rest of my life'. And I have seen Him take my angry questions and transform them into hope, patience, and trust.
Now I don't pretend to be perfect and have it all together somehow. I still have not worked up the courage to take these questions to him and letting go of them. But I have been able to do it in other areas of my life and found great freedom. I am still in the process of surrendering these memories from Tallahassee and letting go of them... and I know that He will be there waiting when I finally work up the courage.
I know I went off on a tangent here, but this is mostly what I thought about the rest of the weekend in Tallahassee. I missed Andrew like I hadn't in a long time, and because it had always been my dream to take him back to FSU. And so this weekend my heart was somehow drawn back to Andrew and all the plans I had made for him a long time ago.
To end in a little bit of a more cheery note- just wanted to add one last picture from Saturday night with my friend Mary. I am very thankful to have spent some good quality with her!
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