Tallahassee Weekend Part 2

I have been working on this post all week deciding on what to share/not to share about the last part of our weekend in Tallahassee. I often pray whatever I write would glorify the Lord and He would the pain we've experienced to encourage others who are in the midst of their pain. This ended up being a more personal and emotional post than I originally intended it to be, and after much thought I have finally decided to share what I originally wrote.

So back to our weekend in Talahassee...

For the actual game, Jack and I headed back to the hotel for his afternoon nap. I was not too bummed about missing the actual game because I hate the idea of us standing for hours. So my little buddy and I took a nice long nap together. I really love being his mom!

After our nap we headed back to campus to meet everyone at the Steve's old fraternity house for Ryan's memorial scholarship award as I wrote about here. Again it was very special and a wonderful way to remember Ryan. We had not been able to make it the previous two years because I was either pregnant or just had a baby- so I was really glad to have made it back this year.



 






A picture with Mr. and Mrs. L'Homme under Ryan's picture

I was very emotional Saturday evening and could not figure out exactly why. I really just wanted to have a good cry but couldn't understand it because I was really having a good time. And Jack was just SUCH a ham that afternoon and kept making everyone laugh.

As I was driving back home on Sunday, I realized last time we had been to Tallahassee was November 2007 when I was only 4 weeks pregnant with Andrew.

And then all the memories started coming back from where I had been three years ago. I was an over-the-top excited expectant mother with her first child. I had been blissfully happy and grateful for the blessings we were given. And I felt sooo sad last weekend because life ended up turning out so different than I ever had planned or hoped for.

I found this journal entry dated  November 17, 2007. I wrote this Saturday night in Tallahassee in our hotel room. It also happened to be the anniversary date of when Steve and I first met.

'Today is 8 years exactly from the day Steve and I met. I'm soo thankful God brought us together in the midst of my drinking and partying our freshman year of college. I truly love him and enjoy being around him all the time. I can't believe I'm now pregnant! Exactly 4 days ago on Tuesday I found out! Part of my is so excited, part of me emotionless, part of me too emotional...  I'm really excited about God and all the changes He has ahead for us. I just pray that I slow down enough to listen. I'm always so busy. I know he will guide the way although it is a little bit difficult still because I always want to 'know' what He is up to...'

Also wrote down these two verses:

'So do not worry about anything saying What shall we eat or what shall we drink? or 'What shall we wear?' for the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly father knows that you need them. Mathew 6:31-32

Which of you if your son asks for bread will give him a stone?... If you then though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Mathew 6:9

And so I have been wrestling with God about all of this over the last two weeks. So many emotions started to come back and honestly I felt deceived and lied to after reading this. It makes me angry and sad. And it makes God as mysterious and puzzling as ever. Really who can understand the way He works?

To this day (although not nearly as often) I go back and forth between blaming myself in some way- like did I do something to make Him change His mind along the way? why did He choose us? and blaming Him- Why didn't you give me a heads up? why didn't you protect Andrew if you're sovereign? and how could you tell me not too worry? Obviously I had a whole lot to worry about.

But another part of me knows that worrying wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Another part of me knows that God is sovereign and does not need to tell us what His plans are all the time.

He does not have to keep me in the 'know'.

Another part of me knows even if He would've told me what His plans were I still would not have been able to understand with my limited human capacity.

That knowing would not have made the pain easier.

And I know that having Andrew for the short time that we did was a precious gift from God, even if it really hurt when he was taken away.

And that Jack is a second precious gift from Him too.

I go back and forth between my emotions and what I know in my mind to be true. That I'm a child of God and that He promises to ONLY give good gifts to his children. That His plan is not to harm me, but to prosper me. That His grace covers a multitude of sins even if I sinned during my pregnancy (which of course I did and I need to let go of blaming myself).

I am sharing all of this for a purpose... and please don't miss this along all of my jumbled writing. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is ok to wrestle these things out with God. That He wants me and you to take our brokeness and pain before Him. That if you have a tough question today that you have been too afraid to ask God- don't be! He is big enough to take it and loving enough to understand where we're at today.

By asking the tough questions of 'Where were you then? Where are you now? or Why are you allowing this?' I don't think he will get angry and punish me. I've experienced the total opposite happen- that by being real with Him, He is finally able to heal that broken part of me and take away the hurt. Busyness, my job, or focusing on other new things might mask the pain for a while but it will be there just as fresh as it was on the first day. None of these things have the power to heal the way He does.

In bringing my questions to Him I am not blaming God. I am simply letting Him know what is in my heart (which He already knows anyways) and saying 'Here it is, it really hurts, I don't like the way you did things, but please change all my questions and doubt into something else because I'm not able to do it on my own and otherwise I will dwell on them for the rest of my life'. And I have seen Him take my angry questions and transform them into hope, patience, and trust.

Now I don't pretend to be perfect and have it all together somehow. I still have not worked up the courage to take these questions to him and letting go of them. But I have been able to do it in other areas of my life and found great freedom. I am still in the process of surrendering these memories from Tallahassee and letting go of them... and I know that He will be there waiting when I finally work up the courage.

I know I went off on a tangent here, but this is mostly what I thought about the rest of the weekend in Tallahassee. I missed Andrew like I hadn't in a long time, and because it had always been my dream to take him back to FSU. And so this weekend my heart was somehow drawn back to Andrew and all the plans I had made for him a long time ago.

To end in a little bit of a more cheery note- just wanted to add one last picture from Saturday night with my friend Mary. I am very thankful to have spent some good quality with her!



Blog Direction Update

For the winner of the Cookbook and Holiday gift market tickets see the post below. Congratulations again Whitney!

A dear friend asked me the other day if I was trying to build my blog site so that I can do some advertisement here and make extra income. While that is a great idea and it works very well for others, that is definitely not what I was going for! Blogging takes dedication and a lot of time, and while that can be very rewarding that is just not a desire I have right now (much less time) When I share something here is because I think others might benefit reading about it. The giveaways are just really fun to do and I enjoy doing them!

Winner of the giveaway!

Before announcing the winner, I just wanted to add that 100% of the net proceeds from the sales of the 'Capture the Coast' cookbook and Holiday Gift Market goes directly back into projects for our local community (Such as Children's cancer center, love bundles, etc)

And the winner of the giveaway is...

My dear friend Whitney from One Blessing after Another!! Congratulations Whitney I know you've been to HGM before and I hope you enjoy it this year! and I hope you like the cookbook as well!

If you didn't win and would like to purchase a cookbook, you can order it online at Amazon.com here for $14.93. Borders also carries it for $21.95 and you can purchase it through me as well.

Let me know if you're interested in some holiday gift market tickets too!!

Tallahassee Weekend- Part I

Don't forget to enter the Cookbook and Holiday Gift Market giveaway here!

Last weekend Steve, Jack, Steve's dad, and I drove up to Tallahasee for Parents Weekend. Steve's sister Jessie is a sophomore up there and we were very excited to visit her. We had such a wonderful time!! I only wish we could've gotten to spend more quality time with her as having a one year old and trying to see old friends made that a little difficult. I miss, miss having Jessi around.

For those of you that don't know, Steve and I met our freshman year in college up there. We really have tons and tons of memories- I think every restaurant and street has some kind of story. It was really exciting to be back with a little one (and difficult as well but I will write about that on my next post).



Jessi and I at the hotel

 Friday night we went out to dinner at Harry's restaurant. Jessi works there as a hostess there and we wanted to visit where she worked! The restaurant had a good view of the downtown area and I enjoyed sitting outside. There is also a cute little fountain and green areas close by so which made it very fun. The only setback is there was a long wait and the place was really crowded.

Just have to add as a funny story- there were a couple of young college guys who kept looking at me in the restaurant. I couldn't figure out if they were checking me out, or they thought I looked odd with a turtleneck, a baby backpack, and food all over me! :)

We met Steve's uncle Randy and aunt Lindy for dinner, who came from Georgia, Thomasville. I don't get to see them too often and was really glad to spend some time with them. A couple of years ago uncle Randy left his pastoral staff position and started a church from scratch (and I think it takes such great faith to do that). Well he is always sharing this amazing stories about how God provides and how people are being saved!! I love hearing his stories and just have a lot of respect and admiration for both of them.

They have a special place in my heart because they have always loved me without judgment. I met them my freshman year of college back when I did not have a relationship with the Lord and was doing things my own way, yet they made me feel welcome and loved me where I was at. I hope I'm able to do the same if Jack brings home a girl one day who may not exactly becwho I had pictured for him.

After dinner we went to Jessi's apartment to visit where she lived. Jack had a blast with his long lost bestfriends- the kitties!! and the little munchkin went up and down the stairs over and over again. Really how does he have this energy way past his bedtime at 9pm??

Saturday morning we had breakfast at my old sority house. I really loved getting to bring Jack here and showing him around the house! I lived there my last two years of college and have lots of memories from there too. It was really fun and very weird going back as a parent.

Just for fun here's my composite picture hung up on the wall- seriously I highlighted my hair way too much! oh and I remember I used to wear bright red lipstick all the time. thankfully things have changed since then.

Afterwards we met some friends at a tailgate party on campus. Jack adjusted really well and was sooo happy all weekend, and was not cranky as I thought he might be.

Here's a picture of him and grandpa at the tailgate

And here's a picture of Mary and Kim holding Jack. He was a ladies man that day! I'm sure he was loving all that attention he was getting...

On a separate note- Please keep my sister in law Jessi in your prayers as this weekend she had to be taken to the ER for kidney stones. They are SO painful but not dangerous thankfully. She is recovering and going back to school this week.

Will write about the rest of our trip in the next post!

Remembering Ryan

This year marks the 10th anniversary of Ryan L'Homme passing away. He was one of Steve's best friends from high school, and although I only knew him for four months of his life, somehow our lives have been very intertwined and there's a lot I've learned from him and his family which I want to share in this post.

Steve and Ryan had known each other since middle school although they did not become close friends until high school. They both went up to FSU together and lived in the same dorm and rushed the same fraternity.



Senior year of high school visiting FSU- Ryan is on the very left


 

Freshman year at FSU- Ryan is on the very left and very right..

I met Ryan in November 1999 and he passed away four months later in March of 2000. That spring Steve and him were playing in a fraternity intramural softball game when Ryan was accidentally hit on the head by a softball and rushed to the hospital. I remember getting a phone call from Steve on his way to the ER asking me to meet him there because Ryan had been injured. I was in shock but I did not know the extent of his injury and initially thought he would surely recover. Here's an article on what happened that day.

I remember Steve's dad flying up with Ryan's parents to Tallahassee as soon as they heard the news that first night. I remember sitting in the hospital for a few days watching his close friends and family go through great suffering. We all prayed that he would recover quickly from this. To our loss Ryan did not recover and he passed away three days later.

I don't have a lot of memories with Ryan and can't say that I miss certain things about him because I did not know him for very long. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with him and gotten to know him better. But I know that because I knew him my life took a very different direction twice- and I'm glad and thankful I have gotten to know his sister and family well over the years.



Ryan's parents- Mr. and Ms. L'Homme on the right for a ceremony in Tallahassee

Mr. and Mrs. L'Homme stayed closed to us through the years, and were there on our wedding day and the wedding of all of Ryan's close friends. At the time I had very little understanding of the mixed joy and pain of watching us get married, knowing Ryan would never get to experience any of those things. I remember her being at my baby shower when we were expecting Andrew and her giving me some FSU gear for our baby in Ryan's memory. She said 'I know Ryan would want him to have these' with teary eyes. And looking back I really wish I would've had more compassion and gratitude to her for being there despite that it was a very difficult place for her to be.

In 2008 after Andrew passed away, Steve and I started attending a parent bereavment group here in Tampa. We were very nervous to go initially, and much to our surprise at our first meeting we ran into Mr. L'Homme there. We had no idea he attended those meetings and were surprised that out of all the bereavement groups we chose the same one. We knew that we had a bond in a different level than most other parents.

I remember at checking in we were asked to write down the names of our children and the cause of death. Mr. L'Homme had written 'Ryan L'Homme- brain injury'. Ummm I had never been asked to write down the cause of the death of my child an 'lack of oxygen to the brain' was to long to write in there. 'Andrew Briggs- brain injury' seemed just fine.

Mrs. L'Homme and I had the great opportunity to graduate together from the University of Tampa in December 2008. Even though I didn't get to graduate with Ryan as I would've liked, I find it funny that we happened to finish our school at the same time and got to walk down the aisle that day. We both had been going to school on and off for years and did not purposedly plan on graduating together.



Graduating from University of Tampa

In Ryan's memory a scholarship fund was created to be awarded to member of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity who had the character and integrity that would carry on Ryan's legacy. This last Saturday we were at the awards ceremony in Tallahassee, and Steve had the chance to speak about his relationship with Ryan and the Lord. I was so very proud of him that day and got very emotional overall. It was good to hear about people's memories with Ryan and how his legacy lives on.

Mrs. L'Homme contacted past recipients of the award to follow up on how they were doing. One of them responded with a very touching letter which I copied below. This young man is in medical school and was able to detect a brain bleed on a 6 year old- as he now pays extra attention to brain injuries knowing what happened to Ryan.

I've heard of many ways Ryan touched other people's life. Mrs. L'Homme forwarded me a letter from an organ recipient a couple of years ago (Ryan was an organ donor) who sent her a picture of his child I believe. This letter is just another example of how the Lord is still using his life for good.

I know God had a very special purpose for Ryan's life and death, but certainly wishing he was still here on this side of heaven.

I plan on posting pictures and writing about our weekend in FSU- lots to write about! I don't think I'll get a chance this weekend but hopefully next week.

Tommy Pitts October 10 at 12:04pm Report

Good morning Mrs. L'Homme it is great to hear from you!

I hope all is well with you and the family. I truly appreciate your efforts to locate me to extend me this invitation. I have been in Puerto Rico for the past two years in medical school. I am currently in my third year and am hoping to specialize in Emergency Medicine. I find it ironic to have received this message from you because recently Ryan has been on my mind quite a bit to be honest. I am still very good friends with Joel Medgebow the first recipent of Ryan's scholarship and we were talking about him the other day. We spoke about our time at FSU and our most memorable nd special experiences and we both seemed to say at the same time that the most memorable and humbling experience was receiving this award. We wanted to make sure that we were doing things that both your family and Ryan would be proud of make us worthy of this honor (Joel has just graduated from Law school and passed his bar exam). Apart from this conversation I had a moment where I believe Ryan was with me in the hospital just about a week ago. I was in the pediatric Emergency room and managed a trauma involving a 6 year old by who had a television and chest fall on his head, he appeared ok and his CT was negative. I passed a light into his eye and it did not constrict indicating a bleed. My intern didn't pay much attention to me b/c i'm a student and there was a negative CT he also said that he felt the pupil was reactive, he even started a discharge note. At that moment I thought about Ryan, and I knew how disappointed he would be if I didn't stand my ground as he would have done....If I didn't learn from him and the way he was. I feveriously documented my findings and my attending took them very seriously. The CT was repeated and there was a slow venous bleed indicating a epidural hematoma which the initial CT didn't capture at that moment. He was transferred to neurosurgery and his life was saved. When I heard about this I went to the hospital chapel and prayed. I told God about Ryan as I had many times before and thanked him for this sign. You see Mrs. L'Homme, Ryan saved that child's life. After receiving Ryan's award I always paid extra attention in the type of injury which Ryan sustained and have looked for ways to optimize the management of these injuries. If it is possible that anything good may have come from Ryan's accident, it would be the lessons that he has left each and everyone of us. For me it was how to be a good Brother, a good man, to remind me to stay the course and do what he would've done. I don't think I would've been as persistent if it wasn't for Ryan, he guided me that day and I will never forget that experience. Even tough we are suffering at this time remembering his loss, I experienced a moment of joy knowing that is was him who saved the life of this child.

I'm sorry for the length of this message but as I mentioned, he walked with me that day and I will always be honored to and humbled to be his brother and the recipient of the scholarship that bears his name.

I'm going to look into flights and see if I can make it to Tallahasse.

You, Ryan, and your entire family has been, is currently, and will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Have a beautiful day,

Tom Pitts

Capture the Coast Giveaway

As I wrote about here, I'm very excited for this fun giveaway of one 'Capture the Coast' cookbook...

along with 5 tickets to the Junior League holiday gift market taking place November 5th-7th at the Florida State Fairgrounds.

The cookbook is really practical and yummy! I'm not just saying this because I'm a member of junior league, but I know there was a lot of effort in putting together this cookbook. There were hundreds of recipes submitted to be included in this book, but only the best ones made it through. All of them have been taste-tested numerous times, refined, and even combined. It also has some great table decorating ideas.

Time and time again I've only heard really good reviews about this cookbook. Personally I haven't yet tried any recipes yet myself but I just got a copy of it last week. 

And the holiday gift market is a great way to kick off the holiday season. There are cooking shows, you can take your picture with Santa (which you can use in Christmas cards), and lots of unique boutiques and merchants from out of state.

Please note 100% of the net proceeds raised through the holiday gift market tickets will go straight back into community projects in the Tampa bay area.

By purchasing these books you are supporting great community projects such as Children's Cancer Center, Children's literacy project, Food for Kids, etc.

The book can be purchased at any borders for $21.95 and the tickets are valued at $5 each. This is approximately a $47 value!

There are two ways to enter the giveaway...

1. Leave a comment letting me know which one is your favorite Junior League charity/community project. You can see a list of their projects here.

2. Blog about it or share it on facebook and leave a second comment letting me know you've done so.

I will announce the winner on Friday, October 29th. And if you're part of junior league you are allowed to enter as well. 

Best of luck! 

Vintage camera and our weekend

We had a wonderful weekend and enjoyed the weather outside as much as we could. I know it won't last for long! Before I know it it'll be too cold or too humid to be outside.

A couple of weeks ago I read about an iphone application called 'hipstamatic' which takes pictures in a vintage type of color. I found the Droid version of it called 'retro camera' and have really enjoyed using it as much as I can. I love these pictures because it reminds me of the pictures my mom and dad used to show me when I was a little kid.

Friday night we went to Sam and Amber's house for some delicious smores and fellowship with friends. I took a couple of pictures but they didn't come out as good as I had hoped with this new application on my phone (I think the pictures turned out kind of creepy!) Here are the only two that came out ok

Saturday we went out on the boat with Steve's dad. It was really so peaceful and relaxing out there. Jack loves the water and he was happy as a clam all day! He loves the wind on his face and smiles and makes a happy babbling noise. It melts my heart to watch.

Steve loves going out on the boat and I know both him and grandpa are looking forward to many memories here. I'm really thankful we get to do this and don't take these memories for granted :)

Here are some pictures in no particular order

Steve showing Jack the shrimp bait

Jack playing with the bait!

A really gross shrimp

Jack and I napped on the boat for a good 2 hours on the way back. I loved holding him and sleeping with him- don't get to do that very often! he was wiped out  but he was a good trooper.

Just for fun here are some other pictures of Jack.

On another note wanted to share a few of things...

There is a little boy Owen that's been on my heart for a couple of weeks. The lead singer of the christian band Sanctus Real had his third little one and he has a congenital heart defect. He seems to be recovering and it looks like he'll be going home from the NICU soon. If  you could please keep them in your prayers you can read the full story here. I can relate to the stomach knot feeling of anxiously waiting for updates from the NICU doctors and it can feel  more than unbearable sometimes. My heart goes out to them. 

Also I know my posts haven't been as deep or as personal as I'd like them to be (and as I'm used to writing). And even though I'm really enjoying this joyful season of having Jack, things are not perfect in our lives. We have family member who is not well and this has really taken a toll on me these last few months. I'm not able to share more to respect the privacy of this person, but thank you to all of you who have been faithfully praying alongside our family.

And this weekend we're going to our first Florida State game. It'll be Jack's first game and with the way the Noles have been playing lately I'm really hoping for a win! I will post pictures from our weekend up there early next week.

And finally I'll be doing a giveaway this week for the 'Capture the Coast' cookbook and 5 tickets to the holiday gift market in Tampa coming up November 5-7th. It'll be a very fun giveaway!

A fun Saturday

I started to blog about our weekend but only got as far as Saturday. The weather has been gorgeous here in Tampa and we're enjoying every bit of it!!

Around 9am we headed over to Buddy Brew Coffee like we often do on Saturday mornings. Susan and Dave Ward, a wonderful couple we met at STF started this coffeeshop about 9 months ago. It's located close to downtown on the corner of the Albany and Kennedy (about a block east of Howard and Kennedy).

Its a pretty small shop which gives it a pretty cozy feel, like you are hanging out in your living room. We LOVE coming here since we love the Wards and we usually end up running into someone we know. On Saturday we ran into pastor Gary from church.

A couple of months ago we ordered a few buddy brew coffee bags for Steve's mom. Since then all she wants for her birthdays and Christmas is more coffee bags from there. It is really delicious!

Here's a picture of Steve and Jack at the coffee bar.

Here's a picture of the fancy machine where they brew their coffee.

You can read more about Dave and Susan and how they got started their coffeeshop here.

Afterwards we headed over to St Pete for my company's yearly Junior Achievement bowl a thon. My office team has been working hard on this for months and I'm glad we got to go bowling together as a family! We got there early so we headed over to a nearby park to kill some time.

This park was so pretty! It reminded me of the beautiful parks in Venezuela.

Jack pointing at the ducks!

He was loving the swing!

Afterwards we headed to the bowl-a-thon and unfortunately the two pictures Steve took didn't come out. Steve and I had fun bowling while my co-workers held him and kept him entertained :) Jack had a blast with all the lights and music in that place. And he got lots of extra attention from my coworkers so I'm sure he loved that- ha!

Afterwards we headed home for his afternoon nap, and I napped along with him for a good two hours.

We went to Chili's in the evening to use our yummy coupon for free chips and queso. Who would ever pass that up?

Jack tried chips for the first time ever, and this kept him entertained for most of the dinner.

Honestly whenever we go out to dinner with him it is like wrestling a baby alligator- he does not like to sit still! But on Saturday he just stood by the window very quietly and kept stuffing chips in his mouth. We didn't have to entertain him and were actually able to talk during dinner. Who knew chips could be so glorious for a one year old?

I love, love, love my little man. He is growing up way too fast...

Hope everyone had a good weekend!