Andrew's 6th Birthday

Tomorrow would’ve been Andrew’s sixth birthday. I can’t imagine how different life would look like with a six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. But I don’t let my mind wander there too much because it would be too painful to imagine all the details of what ‘could’ve been’. Sometimes I do wonder though… how different Jack and Palmer would be with an older brother to boss them around :) I think Jack would be the trouble maker and Palmer would follow right along.

It’s unpredictable how grief can hit hard some years and not others. Last year it was probably one of the hardest (besides that first year), yet this year it has been much easier. But this year has been really hard on Steve. Maybe God knows that one of us needs to be in high spirits to encourage the other one, and so He knows to alternate our years of grief.

One of my greatest fears after Andrew passed away is that he would be forgotten. I wanted other people to remember him, and it was so painful to think that he would one day be forgotten by myself and by others. On March 13, 2009 I wrote on this blog:

I am afraid I will forget how he felt and smelled and I don’t want to. It’s almost as if I want to stay in that grief because that is the only connection I have with him. And if that means crying every time I think about the NICU then that’s fine with me. But I think there will come a point where I will have to move on and not stay in the past.

Over time I accepted that he would be a memory for most people, but I still have a desire to share on the anniversary of his birthday what a great blessing he was and still is. Today I looked back at my very first posts from 2008- and all the ways God was changing and molding me into someone new. As I read them now I am filled with joy and thought I would share some of them here.

But I would like to preface this with: By no means do I believe God took Andrew away to teach us lessons or mold us in His image. I can come up with theories but I do not know why God allows different trials and pains in the life of believers. There are different theologies and beliefs, but all I would like to share below is the GOOD that God brought out of a very devastating circumstance. Not because I read it in a book or heard it in a church. But simply because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt God brought so much good out of Andrew's life, and this is just little snippets of the countless blessings I have seen over the last six years.

He showed me how to love without holding back
November 19, 2008:

I remember asking my husband one night, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without blinking he said YES. I on the other hand was not as quick to say yes. God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. It is worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? Yes. I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like His- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love.

I stopped striving for perfection
November 19, 2008:

The day before Andrew passed away, I was on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. That is when I clearly felt God say “Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you”. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question: Would I still love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.

He opened my eyes to see hurting people around me
December 2, 2008:

God has been given me compassion and genuine interest in others around me. I don’t think God took Andrew away so I could see people hurting people around me. I don’t know the reasons he had for Andrew’s life being so short, they are too far above for me to understand… What I do know is that in the midst of a world of wounded people, I can pass hope to others because I have been wounded as well. I was wounded in the past and healed. I believe God can and will heal me and my family again.

I wrote these and about five other blog posts before I became pregnant with Jack. They were written during a time when we didn’t know exactly what had happened to Andrew and wondered if we would ever be able to have children again. It was a time filled with many tears, guilt, questions, wrestling, doubt, and anger. But despite all of this God graciously used this season for good and to mold us more into His own lovely character. For that I am grateful because I know that will never be taken away.

“As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character”- Hannah Hurnard, Hind’s Feet on High Places