Surrendering our Children

A few weeks ago I had coffee with a friend, whose 3 year old son Jake was diagnosed with Leukemia last year. He has been through chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant, and now praise the Lord responded well to the transplant and has had good reports since so far. I am so thankful for how his little life has impacted me and how much I have learned through watching Lora and her family walk through this journey. They still have a long road ahead of them and I ask for prayers for Jake's healing and strength for his family.

During coffee we chatted about how humbling being a mom was from the very beginning.  And what a process it has been over the years of changing us and molding us to be more like Jesus. For me, nothing else has stripped away my need of striving for perfection and pride in such a short period of time. And even though the process hasn’t been pretty or easy (in fact some very ugly stuff has come out of me at times during my journey of motherhood), looking back I have been able to see God’s hand over it all.And I am thankful for a friend who can relate as often it seems like motherhood comes so easy to so many.

Steve and I strive to be parents who believe that our children do not belong to us. We believe they were entrusted to us for a time, but ultimately we know deep down in our heart they belong to God. He has given them life and will be the one to decide when they will take their last breath.

But despite striving for this attitude of surrender, there are poignant times when we are more loudly asked the question: ‘Will you truly surrender your children?’. It seems we get to that point when we come to a place when we realize we are powerless over what’s about to happen to our children… and in turn cry out to God for some supernatural help.

There are so many different ways we can be asked this question. I have seen friends having to surrender their child’s future to the Lord when the experience complications during pregnancy and they cry out to God for protection and healing.

Other times are when our children are given an unexpected diagnosis or sickness. And there is nothing else we can do as parents except get down on our knees and pray.

Other times it seems to come much later- like watching a child drive away in a car for the first time or go off to college- and we know that we can no longer protect them anymore the way we would like.

Or it might be watching your adult child make poor choices- and coming to a point of surrender when you know as a parent they are now responsible for their own choices, and God is the only who can step in and turn their lives around.

As a parent I have only had the experience of surrendering one of my three children so far. And yes the one I had to surrender was Andrew, but it came a few days before he passed away.

That moment came when Andrew was a few days old and we were given the news that half of his brain wasn’t working. And the doctors told us that he would very likely never be able to walk or talk. And that there was a good chance he would live out most of his life in a wheelchair. He would be special needs child, but they could not predict with certainty what that would mean for us in the future.

I didn’t want to surrender my son even after the news. So I continued to cry out to God for help for FULL healing of Andrew. The idea of him being a special needs child was not a thought I wanted to even entertain, much less accept at the time. I was absolutely in denial.

A few nights later I was crying out to God in prayer with my knees and my face on the floor. This was no ordinary cry. It was the desperate cry of a mother from the depths of her very being. If there was ever a cry to get God's attention, I imagine it would be this one.

And then I heard an almost audible voice say ‘Carolina you are far from perfect and I still love you. Will you love Andrew even if he is a special needs child?’

I wonder if it was just in my head, but the question was one I needed to answer regardless.

And so I was faced with the choice of accepting Andrew even if he was a very high special needs child. And my answer became YES even if the worst came to reality, I still really wanted Andrew just as he was. Far from perfect. Far from all the great things I had previously dreamed for him. So my prayers changed that night for God to bring Andrew home no matter what kind of difficulties and trials that meant for Steve and I in the future.

That was the surrendering moment. Not when he passed away as I knew by then Andrew was fully in God’s hand.

And to be honest I’m not looking forward to the day when I’ll face something so big that I will have to truly surrender another one of my children yet again… Maybe it’ll be in a smaller scale. Maybe it’ll be at a much later point in life. Maybe it’ll be when one of my children makes bad choices, and I have to trust in God’s love and sovereignty over their future. Maybe it’ll be when they experience the loss of a loved one and there will be nothing I can do to protect them from experiencing the pain.

But if and when that moment comes- I hope I will turn things over to God and stop trying to do things my way. Sometimes it takes me a while to get there.  As I’ve grown in my relationship with the Lord, I've slowly learned we always have a choice: of either fully trusting God or continuing to trust in myself. That doesn't mean stepping back and not doing anything to encourage them or train them up- it simply means doing our very best in our job as parents, and trusting God to do his part as well. And His part is reaching the heart of our children. And to take care of their future.

Thank you Lora for your testimony and reminding me to trust in God no matter what.

"For the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21

Last note: This post was written with my friend’s permission to share some of her story.