The Last Year

We are so incredibly grateful for the blessing to be expecting another baby Briggs next year! But I can’t bring myself to share the news without also sharing about what this past year has looked like for me.

It has been a difficult and rather humbling year. After quickly getting pregnant with Jack on our first month, Palmer on the second month, waiting a year to become pregnant this time… well it felt like a very long time. I know it may not seem like a long time compared to those who have been in a season of waiting for many years, but it was still a season in which I struggled and questioned God at times. The longer time went by, the more I felt that God surely was closing this door for us to grow our family.

This season of waiting tested my faith. I prayed countless prayers for another baby, in every way I could think possible. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to do. I ate all the right foods, cut all the bad ones… all the things that had worked in the past that seemed to have helped me get pregnant- and yet for a period my request was not answered with the’ yes’ I was hoping for. It was particularly more difficult on the days when friends announced their pregnancies, and while part of me rejoiced for them there was also a part of me that felt discouraged and forgotten by God.

I knew after 9 months that something needed to change and I began attending Celebrate Recovery. CR is a Christ centered recovery ministry that helps people overcome any type of addiction, hurt, habit or hang-up (and you can learn more about it here). I had been part of this program for many years in the past, and it had always been a blessing to me and brought healing to many different areas of my life.

May 4^th of this year was the day I went back. I remember the date because it was Palmer’s 3^rd birthday, and I unexpectedly broke down that morning in tears at his birthday party, something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. His birthday was particularly difficult because it was a very tangible reminder of how quickly time goes by and how fast children grow up. The fleeting newborn stage is something I had wished away so many times on long, sleepless nights (I had two really colicky babies!), and now it was something I was not guaranteed I would ever have again.

That night I walked back in to Celebrate Recovery at the Crossing Church. Even though I should’ve been at home celebrating Palmer’s birthday with family, Steve encouraged me go because he could see how broken I felt. I walked in with my hair pulled back, no makeup, and a puffy, tear stained face. I quietly made my way to the back of the place hoping no one would notice I had been crying.

Celebrate Recovery did not have all the answers or magical solution I was hoping for. But I realized two very important things while I was there.

First, I quickly realized I simply did not trust God. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? If I could only trust God my worry would go away and it would all get better. But my lack of trust went a little deeper than that. As it turns out I trusted that God was good, that He was sovereign, and that He would only allow something difficult in my life to happen if he could ultimately use it for good. I have had the privilege of watching Him do this time and time again. But the truth is some of the trials He had allowed had also hurt A LOT, and I was scared he would allow something that painful to happen to me or our family again. And that fear of pain kept me from fully walking in peace with Him, and it kept me tied to uncertainty of the future and worry of the pain it could bring.

I also falsely believed I could be stuck in a place of worry and discontentment for years, if not for the rest of my life. What if it just wasn’t God’s plan for us to grow our family? I wondered if I would always have this sense of longing for more children, or feeling as if something was missing from our family. And that fear kept me paralyzed.

From what felt like a very difficult season, I am grateful God took the time to bring to light areas where I was holding back from him. And even though there were many things I surrendered to the Lord, I still was unable to come to a place where I completely trusted him. I certainly wish I had come to that place. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in this place again after being pregnant THREE other times. But somehow I was here, I was stuck, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out.

I realized nothing I could on my own would work. I began to cry out to the Lord for deliverance from being in this place of waiting. I knew He could answer in different ways- with a no (He could’ve changed Steve’s heart and mine), try something different (he could’ve led us to adoption which I would’ve been thrilled with), wait (it will take much longer) or yes (he could do what I was hoping he would do).  By this point my pain was much greater than my own will being done (for a lack of a better word I was desperate to come out of this season) and I was ready to accept whatever His answer was.

I was surprised to find out I was pregnant just a few weeks later. To be honest I thought he would answer with a no. I was taken back to find out I was pregnant but of so incredibly grateful. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not any prayer, my ability to stop worrying, or anything I did on my part to be graced with a yes. I do not understand why God says yes to some prayers and no to others, but I do know when he says Yes it is undeserved, unmerited grace.  

God is a God who delivers from pits. It took me a long time to know He finds no delight in us being stuck in there, no matter how we fall into the pit. At some point I had begun to blame God for allowing me to be in this place, but I don't think His intentions are ever to be in these dark places or to stay there. Beth Moore says it very well: 

“We must never cease to believe God cares about those in physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual prisons. When we are suffering because of captivity (or any other reason) we must learn to cry out! Yes God sees our suffering and cares deeply for us, but acknowledging the slavery is a crucial place towards authentic freedom.  God is intimately acquainted with the sorrows and suffering that result from slavery of any kind. He also has a remedy and is the meter of our needs. Whether we fall victim, or fall into slavery because of our own sin or disobedience… God has deliverance in mind. As long as the sun comes up in the morning, God will keep offering to deliver His children”

-Beth Moore from the book ‘Breaking Free- Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I am not guaranteed the health or safe delivery of this baby, and part of me knows that no matter what happens God would still be in the Throne, He would still be just, and He would still be everything He says He is. I believe that whatever trials I experience here on earth, there will be a day where He will wipe away every tear and make everything new. His word says so… and I hold on tightly to those words on the days where I question his goodness. On the days when I read about Christians being persecuted, wars in the Middle East, mass shootings at churches and schools, and the countless tragedies on the news.

But just for today I am trying to take it one day at a time. I want to rejoice on the miracle that being pregnant is and what joy it has brought to our family, no matter what tomorrow looks like. Looking back what felt like a very long time really wasn't that long at all- and I wish I would've lived more in the present and not in the future as much as I did.

I know at some point down the road I will experience disappointments and trials, and when that time comes I am confident God will be there to meet me with grace, as He has done faithfully in the past.