Dear Andrew,
Today would’ve been your 8th birthday. This year it doesn’t seem as difficult as other years and that’s probably because my hands are full right now with your baby sister. Not that anyone would ever take your place, but it is a joy to hold a brand new life and marvel at the wonderful things God does. Thankfulness seems to surpass the grief this year.
Today would’ve been your 8th birthday. This year it doesn’t seem as difficult as other years and that’s probably because my hands are full right now with your baby sister. Not that anyone would ever take your place, but it is a joy to hold a brand new life and marvel at the wonderful things God does. Thankfulness seems to surpass the grief this year.
I like to pause and remember on your birthday what a blessing you have been. Over the years your story has given us the opportunity to share our faith with others around us. When tragedy strikes someone close by, we no longer turn the other way or shy away from the pain. Instead we can share our story - your story- as a testimony that God can bring good out of the most unthinkable of circumstances. When someone is hurting because they’ve lost a loved one, instead of saying ‘Just trust God!’ we can now understand their feelings of anger and doubt. And that it’s normal and not a sin to feel this way at times.
It is a blessing to be able to connect with the most broken hearted of people, and be able to walk alongside of them during their grief. These are roads that very few walk down upon and they can be very isolating. It is a privilege I never wished or asked for, but now that I’m here I wouldn’t give it back.
My heart changed the day you were born, but it changed even more the day you passed away. It had always been easy for me to trust the Lord when things were going good, but after you were gone I had to learn to trust God in dark places where life didn’t make sense. It wasn’t an easy process, it was hard and messy, imperfect, and certainly there were more bad days than good days. But God used that season to draw me closer to him and get to know some qualities about him I wouldn’t have known anywhere else. And when it’s all said and done, what I strive for in this life is to know God more, even if the process involves some difficult and hard places along the way.
The blessings that came from your life also came with a cost. My pregnancies since you’ve been gone have been very difficult. I’ve wrestled with fear of loss in all of them and wished I could’ve enjoyed them more. I thought about you every day during this last pregnancy. Even to this day I often wonder what life would look like with you in it.
These last three months have been joyful and difficult at the same time. I don’t take for granted the miracle of new life, but I also know how fragile it can be. During the newborn season I try so hard to be perfect- to make all the right decisions to protect this new little human that’s been entrusted to me- and I’m really hard on myself when I don’t make all those perfect decisions. I know it’s my own way of trying to be in control and prevent something bad from happening. Thankfully God extends His grace when I give in to worry and fear of losing another child. Because the fear is still there and I’m not sure it will ever fully go away.
Today I remember your life. I am so thankful for being able to hold you for those short 10 days, even with the countless tears that have come over the last 8 years. You were and are a great blessing, and I dream of the day when I will get to hold you again.
"The Lord gives and He takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21
