Tomorrow would’ve been Andrew’s 12th birthday. While
the grief and weight of the first few years has gone away, we still like to
take the time to remember our sweet Andrew. He is never forgotten and will
forever be a part of our family.
Andrew was a wonderful gift, just as all three of our other
children have been. He was a special gift that was taken away unexpectedly and
much sooner than I ever imagined. But in that brokenness and place of wrestling,
God used all of it to draw me closer to him. I hope to never walk through
something like that again, and yet I know deep down that if have to walk down
that road again one day- God will be right there by our side. It is a special joy
to know that God is present in the most unthinkable of circumstances. To know
that he cares deeply for us in the midst of our pain and has a purpose for it.
Yesterday I was re-reading the book 'Daring to Hope' by Katie Davis Majors, and she put beautifully into words what I could not.
I was walking blindly into a new season, a place that didn't line up with my plans for the coming year. A place I never would have chosen, never wished or asked for. But God's promise to Abraham spoke to me. God wasn't promising me ease. He wasn't promising that things would go as planned. He wasn't promising a world without trouble, without heartbreak along the way. He was promising me Himself.
God's blessing isn't always what we think- the happy ending we wanted and the desires of our hearts fulfilled. Blessed is she who believes His promises. This blessing is different from blessing as the world sees it. It isn't an easy life or one of success. Blessing is that we find ourselves in a place that God has yet to explain, may never explain, a place or a life that doesn't line up with what we had in mind. He gives us a promise... He will be here with us, our great reward.
That is a beautiful thing. To see God at work even life doesn't take us down the road we had hoped for. To be thankful simply for God's presence no matter what the circumstances.
As our kids have grown up we've always encouraged them to talk about Andrew. As the boys have gotten older they don’t seem to talk
about him as much, but for some reason Lilly talks about him all the time. She often asks what he looked like as a baby and what he would look like today.
She reminds people with a firm and sassy voice that she doesn’t have two older
brother, but she has THREE older brothers and one of them is in heaven. We will lay
down in her bed and sometimes imagine what it will be like in heaven. It is
wonderful to have a small little side kick to think about all these things together.
I am grateful for the good years and the hard years. I know it is only a matter of time before I'm back in a place again when I will wrestle with God the way I did when we lost Andrew. I will question him, I will doubt, and I will struggle with my faith. But I will remember my sweet Andrew and have hope that He will yet again come through. That His presence will be enough. That He will be my very great reward.
Truth be told, there has been plenty I've wrestled with God since Andrew passed away: frustrations, broken relationships, circumstances that haven't changed despite my prayers, wondering why God seems so silent sometimes. But none of these struggles have compared to the loss of a child. None have left me as broken and dependent on God as that season did back then. And for that gift of seeing God's provision in the most difficult of circumstances I will always be grateful.
