Picture and Video Update

I am excited to do a post on Palmer and Jack! I tend to only write when I feel there is something worthwhile to share and it will encourage someone else. But there is so much day to day, routine stuff that I need to write down and document as well.

Palmer is almost 5 months. He is very smiley, gives us much more smiles than Jack did at this age. He is not as fussy as he was the first three months and we are still figuring out our routine (which with the second one it is WAY more flexible). In the mornings we are usually out and about, and by 1pm he turns into a pumpkin and we are home for a long afternoon nap. It works for us well as it gives me some good one-on-one time with Jack in the afternoon.

He is content hanging out watching Jack run around and does not need to be held much (so far). Hopefully this will continue because he is not a small baby!! We have not had him weighed since he was 11 weeks, but at that date he was 14lbs 12 oz.

Palmer and Jack have many similarities and differences. I won’t get into all of them here, but I will share I’ve had to stop myself from comparing them (Something I pray I won’t do as they grow up). Milestones and sleeping through the night have been very different for both of them. Palmer did sleep through the night for a few weeks, but really hasn't the last month or so. We will get there.

They are both very good with each other. Jack loves to wake up Palmer with me and will often get in his crib and wake him up with kisses. He is good about entertaining Palmer and bringing him toys when he starts to get bored. He often asks him questions like “Palmer will you play with me?” “Watch this Palmer!” And at least once a day he says “I loooove you Palmer”

 

 

 

I am thankful for how well they are getting along, although there was a good month and a half during which Jack acted out A LOT towards Steve and me (not towards Palmer) but I believe it was related to the adjustment. Once we were able to give Jack more attention and have that one-on-one time with him again, he started to go back to his old self.

I can’t wait until they are a little bit older and really start engaging with each other! And then of course I’ll have to deal with sibling rivalry... ummm.... but I'm still really looking forward to it. I can picture them playing cowboys and indians, and chasing each other around the house.

This is a short post since I've spent the last hour figuring out how to upload a video to blogger (who knew it could be so complicated?).

This is a video from labor day weekend at the beach. It was late at night. We were delirious. And hungry I might add. But these little guys were pretty entertaining even then. Hope you enjoy!

 

 

 

Finding Laughter in the Frustrating Moments...

It was Sunday evening of Labor day weekend, and I headed back with Palmer our condo rental. We were on a family vacation in New Smyrna beach along with friends for the weekend.

As I was looking out the window watching Steve, Jack, and our friends at the beach, I saw three teenage girls taking pictures by the pool deck. They were wearing pretty dresses, high heels, and had a glowing tan. As they were taking pictures they started making silly faces at the camera and kept bursting out in laughter. You know, that genuine belly laughter that brings you tears and hurts your stomach at times. They were having a blast!

As I sat there holding my hungry four month old, I started to think about what it would be like to have that type of freedom again.

What would it be like to be able to layout at the beach interrupted while reading a good book

What would it be like to wear pretty high heels again instead of my ‘practical’ flat shoes

What would it be like to go out at night without any restrictions, and not having to come back after 2-3 hours to nurse… or being up early at 6am

What it would be like to have a peaceful meal without having to feed/nurse two little ones at the same time and scarf down my meals

The freedom of the ‘good old days’ sure seemed attractive to me that night. I looked at my sweet baby in my arms and remembered my first mother’s day after losing Andrew.

(I’m going back in time, but stay with me here…)

It was May of 2009 and I was dreading mother’s day altogether. We decided to attend church with Steve’s grandparents that day. Their pastor spoke on ‘What it truly means to be a mother’

He went on to say that 'just giving birth' does not make you a mother. How some animals gave birth only to leave their young to fend for themselves. Being a ‘mother’ was about making sacrifices. It was being up at night when the children needed you… taking care of them when they were sick. He went on to say much more, but that is what stood out most to me.

I left sad and angry because I had never gotten to do any of those things with Andrew, and if I took his words literally I did not qualify as a mother. I wept that night and I prayed that I would be given the opportunity again to do all those things he spoke about. I specifically prayed for the times when I would put my children before myself and make whatever sacrifices were needed on my part.

Fast forward four years and two baby boys later, and my prayers were graciously answered. I am living the dream that I longed for so long.  

And as grateful and how in love I am with my two boys, there are some many days that are just plain hard. Days when I’m so exhausted that my husband falls me asleep on the floor (I had not had anything to drink, I was just THAT tired). Days when I’m spit on, pooped on, cried upon and I am counting down the minutes for my husband to get home from work…

As I stood that night looking at these girls with all the freedom that I don’t have, I realized that as appealing as that lifestyle can appear, what I really missed was the laughter they had. Being able to have fun and relax, and not worry so much about things…

So how do I cherish the present without wishing it away on those tough moments? (and my point for this long, long post)

I can be lighthearted. I can choose to laugh despite how I may feel at that particular time.

For example- later on that night I needed to give Palmer a bath, but there was no bathtub so I decided to use the sink. I filled up the sink, got him naked and put him in it. Right away water overflows everywhere. Not only is there water over the sink, but I’m soaking wet as well. Palmer starts to cry as he was not liking the sink.

What I wanted to do is cry… instead I made up a silly song about what a total disaster this was. I stood Palmer up in the sink, and moved his chunky little butt from side to side to go with my made up song. To my surprise Palmer saw me laugh and he gave me one of his biggest smiles- which in turn made me laugh even more. Before I knew it I had given him a bath and were done with the whole fiasco!

Another night Steve got home from work, and we were getting ready to have dinner. He looked tired from work and I was exhausted that afternoon as well. As soon as we put Palmer down to eat, the little guy started to cry loudly right away. What I wanted to do is put my head down on the table and vent to my husband ‘Do you know how hard it is to cook carrying a baby? Have I told you about the temper tantrum Jack just had a few minutes ago? I am tired, tired, tired. You may have had a lot to do at the office, but my day’s been much harder!’

Instead I took a deep breath and decided to make a joke …  ‘Look honey, I am SUCH a good wife that I’ve arranged for a musical background during dinner. We will be listening to the famous tunes of Palmer Briggs’ and I laughed at how ridiculous I sounded.

To my surprise Steve started to laugh. And Jack saw us laugh, and started laughing himself. Then we continued on to make jokes as we quickly had dinner (while Palmer cried), and got back to taking care of him.

Baby steps. I am slowly learning to be more lighthearted. The other as I was making funny faces at Jack, he said with a smile ‘You are a SILLY mommy!’ and I took that as a big compliment.

I want my children to see me laugh… not to look back and me venting or talking  about what a difficult job it was taking care of them.  I want them to remember me as ‘happy’ during this season of life. And I want to genuinely enjoy every second.

Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions

Ecclesiastes 7:10

I have struggled with understanding this bible verse… my only thought is that thinking about the ‘old days’ can make us discontent in the present. Thankful that God reminds us to not fall into that trap, as we can so often glamourize the past and remember it as better than what it really was.

Unanswered Prayers

As I shared on my previous post, the first few months of adjusting to two haven't been easy for me. I am writing this post because after feeling frustrated on unaswered prayers these first few months, I finally had a moment with God that brought me much comfort. I hope it will be of encouragement to somebody else!

I was driving home from Anna Maria Island the night of July 4th. We had been there for the day, and Steve and Jack stayed a few extra days to spend with family and enjoy the beach. I knew it would be too much for Palmer so we headed back that same day.

Now he cried the entire ride down and back. It wasn't a fuss, or even a loud cry. It was a continous wail that wouldn't stop. If he could talk he would've said something along the lines of "'Please rescue me from this horrible torture! I can't take it anymore!''. He cried so hard that he started choking on his own saliva. He pooped both times out of distress.

Before leaving Anna Maria I asked my friend Kindra to pray with me for Palmer for a better ride back. I didn't expect it would be a perfect ride, but I did hope it would be better.

But the ride back was much worse. I didn't want to stop because it was getting dark and I didn't feel safe by myself with a newborn. So I kept praying.

But it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and pulled over on the side of I-75 to calm him down. I changed his diaper and nursed him in the front seat until he finally calmed down.

I sat there in tears frustrated at God. It wasn't just THIS unanswered prayer. It was a combination of unanswered prayers over the last few months that had been building up. He had been quite silent since Palmer arrived.

Lord please let Palmer sleep tonight so that I can have energy tomorrow to care for both of them. Surely you want me to have energy to care for them right? And sure enough Palmer was up all night and I was exhausted the next day.

Lord please let Palmer take a long nap this afternoon so I can spend time with Jack. I haven't been spending as much time with him lately. Surely you think that is a good thing right? After all he's been pretty neglected. Palmer didn't nap well those first few months giving me very little time to spend with Jack.

Lord please do not let Palmer wake up Steve so he can be rested for tomorrow. He has so much going
on at work already this would already add to his stress. Surely you want him to be rested? The night I pleaded with the Lord outside our house holding Palmer crying, Steve was up most of the night with me trying to get him to stop.

I had come to the point where I was angry at God.

God how can you not hear me? Why have you been so silent? Do you not see how much pain I'm in hearing Palmer cry this way? Does it even bother you?

In that very moment I realized this

From Palmer's perspective he was in great distress, but from my perspective he was perfectly safe. As overwhelming and uncomfortable these first few months have been- I am still perfectly safe as Palmer was in that carseat. I may FEEL like I am going to simply not make it some days, but the reality is that God knows exactly where I am and he is driving the car to get me where He wants me to be.

I also realized just as I have compassion on my son's cry, God has the same compassion when He hears my cry. I could've relieved Palmer from his cry earlier, but I knew the best thing for both of us was to keep on driving even though my heart was breaking. From Palmer's perspective he probably felt abandoned or that I just didn't care enough to hold him in my arms. It wasn't that I didn't care. It was simply part of the journey.

That night was a turning point for me. My prayers started changing after this day little by little!

I still have moments when I get frustrated at Him and wonder what He is up to. But when I do, I try to remember this night and meditate on the fact that He DOES care, even though He may not come to my rescue right away.

I am in awe of a God that knows me and hears my cry.

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Update:

There were a couple of things that I left off from the original post.

That night as I was driving I remember trying to sing really loud from the front seat, hoping that Palmer would hear me and know that I was near. He was crying so hard that he wasn't able to hear me, and I kept thinking maybe if he slows down enough and hears my voice he would be able to calm down. I then realized how often those first few months I was busy complaining and crying to God, but never quieted down enough to hear Him. Such an eye opening moment for me in many ways!

At about three months we tried a different carseat, and low and behold it made a HUGE difference! This new carseat (which a dear friend lent me) had a bigger incline and larger vents in the back. It might seem insignificant, but since then I have never picked up Palmer drenched in sweat again. He is not nearl as hot, and he can fall asleep easier because it is more horizontal. It may be because he is getting older to, but this other carseat has been a night and day difference. So glad he does well in it (most times) and can fall asleep much easier in it too.

The First Two Months

Well where do I begin? :) I once heard a mom describe motherhood as Humbling. I can’t think of a better word to describe the last two months. As I’ve become a mom to my three boys I have cherished my time with them and I've been changed in many ways. And it has been through being their mom that my relationship with the Lord has grown the most.

The first two weeks of having Palmer home were relatively pretty good. He slept most of the time and did about  5-6 hour stretches most nights. Jack was enjoying all the attention and presents he was getting as a big brother- and he was so proud! We even went away to the beach at the end of the second week and had a wonderful time with our friends the Shahs. It was a perfect weekend and I loved that Jack spent time at the beach, something he LOVES to do. And I'm glad I got to enjoy sitting on this porch most of the weekend and enjoyed the sound of the water!!

And then on the third week Steve got sick with a severe cold and so did Jack. About a week later both me and Palmer got sick and it took us about two weeks to fight it off. Not fun to be sick while taking care of a newborn and toddler! Just as I was getting over the cold I got mastitis and started on antibiotics. It was around this time that Palmer became pretty unconsolable I think due to the antibiotics… then shortly after that he continued to be gassy for about another few weeks due to various things I won't get into. To be honest nursing and post-partum blues did not come easy for me, but thankfully both of them are now much better. Needless to say- it was a rough start for us!!

I've had precious moments these last two month that I wouldn't trade for anything. And I've have also been moments when I have when I have been wept and pleaded for help. In trying to find a silver lining in all of this I've realized that all these setbacks have brought me to a point where I've accepted that I just can't do this on my own, and I'm reminded of how much I need grace and wisdom each day- even for the smallest of decisions!

I've felt God speak to me through my children many times. Through them I have learned something about the character of God or have realized something about myself that needed to change, and that is a blessing in all of this too. A book that has reminded me of this is ' Loving The Little Years'. Highly recommend it and if you are expecting, don't be surprised if you get a copy of it from me!

In chapter two of the book the author writes "God treats us with great kindness as we fail daily. He takes the long view of our sin- knowing that every time we fail and repent, we grow in our walk with Him"

I have a difficult time extending grace to myself when I feel like I 'fail' as a mother. Like when I'm too tired to discipline. Or I get frustrated and lose my temper with my husband and children. Or this day when I completely forgot to give Jack lunch and the poor little guy fell asleep on the couch!!

"God has given us the job of teaching His law and demonstrating His grace to our children. We are to be guides to our children as they learn to walk with God". I am slowly learning when to be firm and when to extend grace to my sweet boys.

This is how Steve found us when he came home from work the other day- and I am posting against my better judgment :) I was jiggling Palmer to sleep, when Jack asked for candy and I said no- and then he had the mother of all temper tantrums. It was hard to not give in just so he would be quiet, and so he just cried and cried until he fell asleep in my arms. So we all napped in the couch together eventually- notice how I'm still wearing my pajamas and my old lady robe at 5pm- ha!

Not sure how to end this post so I'll just share pictures of these precious little boys.. I love them so so much! My prayer for Jack and Palmer is that they will grow up to be Godly men who love Christ above anything else.

Andrew

Jack

Palmer

I've closed comments for this post but would love to hear from you if you'd like to share something. I hope to most more often, but I don't think it will be for a while!!