Goodbye Clarks!

Our very dear friends Shelly, David, and Winnie Clark are leaving soon for Charlotte, North Carolina! Part of me is thrilled for all that awaits for them up there- I believe that is where they are being called to go and I can see the excitement they have about moving up there. Another part of me is in denial that they are moving. I don't think it's really going to sink in until a couple of weeks from now.

I love the sweet memories I have with them when I was pregnant with Andrew. We would go to the pool, grill out, and spend a lot of time in their condo (aka 'the dungeon'). My favorite was playing board games in their master bedroom floor and trying to whisper to each other so we wouldn't wake up Winnie from her nap. We sometimes couldn't help but laugh so hard that we would still wake up Winnie!

But I also love the memories I have of them during our darkest of times. During the time Andrew was at the NICU I remember David faithfully calling us every morning at 10am to pray. Shelly joined in after a day or two, and we would conference her in from her office. The four of us would pray, one by one, asking God to take care and heal little Andrew. Very often it was this phone call that would wake us up in the morning as the NICU didn't open to visitors until noon. I loved the encouragement the Lord gave Steve and I through this time of prayer. I felt a peace knowing that even if at times my faith failed and my heart was discouraged, there were three other people by my side who were lifting up Andrew by their own intimate and personal prayers. Now I know our family and home church was faithfully praying for Andrew as well, and I will be forever thankful for that. But there is something special about praying side by side with someone else that just touched my heart in a different way.

I was actually somewhat surprised we remained close after Andrew passed away. I know that such a tragedy is so hard for some people to comprehend and I would not have blamed them if they just needed their space or time apart. But that didn't happen. The jokes and laughter we shared were such good medicine for my heart.

I remember just a couple of weeks after Andrew passed away I started getting small anxiety attacks when I was out with people. I would be in the middle of dinner and out of the blue I would feel this need to go home to take care of my baby. But there was no baby to go home to. Even though I was physically in a place, my mind would often feel that I needed to be at home nursing and taking care of my little one... but for some very odd reason it didn't happen when we were around the Clarks! And that's why I enjoyed being around them- because when I was with them I didn't have this feeling that 'I should be' somewhere else. I could just be and laugh or cry if I needed to. I remember one evening during that time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so much it took me a while to get off of their couch. I am thankful I was given the blessing to laugh with friends in the midst of a very sad and difficult time.

We have gone through lots of ups and downs along with them. I won't keep on going on about them. I just wanted to share little glimpses of our friendship that made them so special to Steve and I.

I am going to miss the daily dozen emails between Shelly and I.
I am going to miss Winnie's flirty smile whenever she says hi to Steve.
I am going to miss David's off the wall and completely inapropiate sense of humor!

Below are some of my favorite pictures


Holding Winnie at 38 weeks pregnant with Andrew


Jessie (my sister in law) holding Winnie outside the NICU


All dressed up for a date night at a yummy Mexican restaurant!


Watching the Tampa Bay Rays game with Shelly at our dumpy condo


Winnie wearing Brett's hat


Steve and Shelly trying to get Winnie to dance to 'Baby got back'


Shelly made these cute matching aprons for us!


Sleepover at the Clarks new home


Out for a Christmas dinner at the Wine Exchange


Shelly, Lela, and I at the December graduation party


Getting Winnie to jump when we first moved in to the house in April


Just wanted to add this pic! Steve's face is priceless


Shelly, Lela and I this Spring

Mission trip to Peru

My sister Elizabeth left on a medical mission trip to the mountains of Peru this past Saturday. I have been so excited for her call to go on a mission trip! I can only imagine all of what she'll see and who she'll connect with over there.

It has made me reminisce about our mission trip to Tarapoto, Peru that Steve and I went to in 2007. We were welcomed by Karen and Angel Oyola down there (the same missionaries who are now welcoming Elizabeth, but they are now in an even more remote place!). Ours was a construction mission trip to finish building a center for the local community. A place where women could build skills and families could come together.

Needless to say I did not contribute very much to the actual construction of this place. Although I did my best everyday and got dirty at times, Steve's strength came in handy as he was able to get a lot more done. We also worked with local construction workers who were ten times faster and better than any of us and only got paid about $5 for the entire day.

One day, Steve, Anne, Kevin, and I, left the construction site to bring a meal to a new family who we heard had just moved into the neighborhood. I remember wondering how they would welcome us and what the experience would be like. And we ended up having one of the most amazing experiences of our lives.

We entered a 10ft x 10ft room. There was no door, and the floor was made up of dirt. The walls were very rough construction bricks and I can't remember what the roof was made up of. In there we found a young 17 year old mom alone with her newborn son... just hanging out. There were no baby toys and no crib anywhere in sight- just a big bed which took up most of the room. In the center there was a sweet baby boy named Angel Gabriel sleeping while the mom watched.

The mom was very welcoming to all of us and asked us to come into her little home. She was very transparent and told us she lived with her boyfriend and they had moved from very far away. Her mom (Grandma) would be visiting the next day and she would be taking a bus ride for 20 hours!! She also said she spent most days by herself watching the baby. There was no park nearby, no TV to watch.

This woman was so very sweet! She was humble and seemed glad to have us there. I could not help but think about all the baby stuff here in the states that seemed like its so very needed. It kills me that when I got pregnant with Andrew I got so caught up with having ALL of the possible baby things out there. I was trying to get so prepared for Andrew's arrival, that I forgot at some point what was really important. A year later, I wish I would not have forgotten about sweet Angel Gabriel as quickly as I did.

My heart broke for the loneliness this young mom was experiencing. I asked our missionaries if they had an extra bible in spanish that we could bring to this young mom. I was so very excited when they found a good one! We went back the next day and brought her the bible hoping that it would fill her mind with God's word throughout the day (I think she knew how to read). The next day when we got back her mom (grandma)was there and we ended up having a long and great conversation. We asked them if they had any prayer requests, and they really opened up about a lot of things. It was SUCH a sweet time and blessing to have been there and be touched by them. I will carry that memory with me forever as a good reminder of what really matters. Having and losing Andrew will also be a reminder of how much I take for granted most of the time.

As an update on baby Briggs # 2 things are good so far. I am almost afraid to write it or say it out loud for fear that something bad will happen or I will jinx it somehow. I complete 23 weeks today and start my 24th week (or 5 1/2 months). I believe in my heart there is no guarantee of what the future holds, and I am trying to focus on the blessing and miracle of just today. I am also thankful for God's grace which does not depend on my accomplishments or failures.


Above is a picture of us inside their little room. The lady in the orange was grandma, and mom was on the very right. I forget who the lady in the white and green outfit was- maybe a sister who came with grandma? Anne is wearing a white hat on the left


A picture of Angel Gabriel in the bed where he, mom and dad slept


A more closeup picture of Angel Gabriel!


A picture of children right outside Angel Gabriel's home

Mother's Day

This year mother's day was bittersweet. Much better than anticipated, but still had some tough moments throughout the day.

As usual we went to Memaw & Bepop's (Steve's grandparents) church which was about an hour north of where we live. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Andrew so it brought back a lot of memories and emotions. The pastor kept going on and on about how being a mother is not just birthing, but doing all the little things for our kiddos- such as getting up in the middle of the night, cooking meals, etc... All things I didn't get to do with Andrew! It seemed like every time he said the word mother (which he said a lot) I was getting jabbed in my stomach. I do not think he meant any harm by his sermon and I extended the grace to not get mad about it. I think he probably just didn't consider the mothers who have had miscarriages or lost their children before they ever got to experience those things.

The church also did a contest to find the youngest mother in the audience and I forgot how old I was! They asked all moms under 27 years of age to remain standing and I of course sat down thinking I was 28! ha ha. Then Steve gave me a dirty look and told me to stand up, but I thought he just wanted me to 'pretend I was 27' just to win! Our family got a very good laugh out of it. There was a mom who was 25 years old in the audience so I would not have won the contest anyway. But for the record apparently I am 27, younger than I thought!! I don't know why I have such a hard time remembering my age.

Of course the only newborn in the audience sat behind us. A little boy probably about 8 months close how old Andrew would be now. And he kept cooing and making noises throughout the entire sermon... I tried so hard not to keep looking back. I thought it was ironic how they happened to sit right behind us as there were no other children or babies in the service. Its a very small church.

In the midst of it all I felt thankful for a good ultrasound on Friday, but my heart was so heavy for my friend Rebecca who earlier that week experienced the loss of her second child. Sunday afternoon our family watched a video that she and her husband gave at their church on the precious life of their daughter Molly Ann Mutz. The message was SO GOOD and I highly recommend it. The link is
http://www.flatironschurch.com/messages/messages.php
and the sermon is called Wasted Pain. I don't think anything has spoken to me that directly and truthfully in a while. I am so blessed to know her and look forward to seeing her later this month.

Sunday evening we went to our monthly bereaved parent group. While most people think this would be realy depressing, actually most parents really enjoy it and look forward to it. I think its because it makes us feel that we are not alone in our grief, and there are other people out there battling the same emotions.

I did not long for Andrew Sunday like I thought I would. I thought about him but just felt happy thinking about him. I showed Memaw & Bepop the scrapbook my mom and I made of him, and they really enjoyed it. I was so glad to show pictures of Andrew and have others remember him on that day, instead of not mentioning him at all. I really enjoy it when other people ask about Andrew.

And I am trying to enjoy every moment with Baby Briggs # 2. I can't imagine what it would be like to possibly bring him/her home one day. In the meantime I am trying to appreciate and be thankful for the time the Lord has given me today.

Trust

I have been struggling lately (let me rephrase that- most of my pregnancy!) with worry about what is going to happen to this second child. I would like a guarantee that everything is going to be fine, and we are going to have a healthy baby... but there are never any guarantees! I have always had a tendency to worry about the future by nature, and so it was a struggle to overcome when I was pregnant with Andrew.. but I did. And then at the end the unimaginable still took place. I keep wondering if I misread something all along... if there were any signs but I was just too blind to see them? Did God try to warn me but I was just too excited or arrogant to see it?

During this pregnancy I feel God asking me to place my trust in him. As I read scripture, I don't feel Him telling me that everything is going to be fine, but I clearly hear that I simply need to trust Him. And yet I am having such a difficult time taking that step! I want a healthy baby that we can raise until he/she is old and gray. I think that is the best for our family. And as I pray I keep trying to convince God to get on my action plan, because I think I know best and I would really not like His plan if its anything else.

But true surrender is praying for God's master plan to take place, not my own plan. My peace should come from knowing that God is in control of everything, no matter how sudden, tragic, or unfair it seems to me. If I really surrender my will to the Lord, I will be content with whatever He decides for our future and this baby's life. I trust that He has eternal eyes, while I only have earthly and short-sighted vision.

So I have really been struggling with trust- I felt a trusted him back when I was pregnant with Andrew and at the end I ended up very hurt.

This Saturday Steve and I watched the movie 'Cocktail'- I had seen it many years before, but for whatever reason I had forgotten the plot. I was quite angry at Tom Cruise when he decided to sleep with this old lady and hurt the girl he was falling in love with. The rest of the movie is spent in him trying to get forgiveness from this girl who he originally hurt for no good reason at all.

Then last night my friend Shelly and I went to see 'Ghosts of girlfriends past'. Any movie as cheesy as it may be, is really good if it has Mathew MaConohey in it! The story line centered around Mathew hurting the one true love of his life because he is too scared to be vulnerable. At the end he tries to make things right, but she asks him the question 'how can I trust you? how do I know you've really changed'? I could definitely relate to that question. Its so hard to trust after we've been hurt.

This morning I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that its pretty silly of me to think God would be anything like Tom Cruise or Mathew McConohey. He is holy, and perfect, and so worthy of my trust! I am assured that at one point sooner or later I will be hurt by friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers, and yes even my husband. But my Lord promises to never hurt me, never leave my side, never forsake me. If there is anyone I should trust it should be Him! No one else will do or even come close.

Now to clarify- I m not implying that I expect the worst from my husband in the future. I am absolutely crazy about him and I thank God almost every night for bringing us together. Steve is a Godly man who trusts much more than I do and loves more wholeheartedly than me. I remember the week that we were in the NICU watching over Andrew Steve told me 'I wish I could trade my life for Andrews'. My first thought was that I would at least think about it for a second. He didn't have to think about it, he simply loved.

I wish I could be more like Steve sometimes. He is the essence of strength physically and spiritually, and such a good protector of our family. I respect him so much and trust his decisions for our family and future. But I have learned to not put Steve on a pedestal (although I must say my family has him on a VERY high pedestal). I have slowly learned that the moment I make Steve the center of my universe, everything falls apart. Simply because He will never be able to meet my needs the way that only God can.

But back to my trust issue with the Lord. While my mind knows God is merciful and good, the pain of losing Andrew tells me otherwise. This pain whispers 'God does not really have your best interest at heart' 'He has forgotten about you' 'He has forsaken you'. And that is the difficult part to overcome- my emotions over what I know to be true. I battle these emotions every day as they bring me down to a pit of worry and doubt.

I have learned in CR that emotions are never good to trust. There were times when I was working out that I wanted to quit.There are times in the morning when the last thing I feel like is coming to work. And there have even been times when I felt like not making an effort in my marriage. But in all of these circumstances I have chosen to do things based on my will and not 'what feels right' or 'what feels easier'. I chose a long time ago to love my husband forever, although the emotions might come and go. In the same way I should chose to trust my God no matter what emotions tell me.

I fee like I am at the tip of making that choice! I am almost ready, but fear is holding me back. Maybe its a daily choice and not a choice I only make once?