Healing

It seemed to me Steve and I had arrived at a place of healing over Andrew. During the last 8 months our family and friends have greatly rejoiced with us over the birth and health of Jack. And he sure has brought SOO much joy into our lives! He has fulfilled so many of my mommy desires. He has filled my ache to change poopy diapers, stay up late at night, be peed on (yes I really, really wanted to be peed on), rock a baby to sleep, be spit up on, etc. All things that I wondered if I would ever get to do. I am so thankful that I have the privilege and blessing of loving Jack this way. 

But deep down inside I know my healing hasn’t even really begun.

I attended a baby shower a couple of weeks ago and had the chance to talk to a wonderful mentor from our church. We talked about how I used to be involved in our church prior to Andrew. We talked about the day I gave my testimony at our church on November 7, 2007. I remember was pregnant with Andrew at the time but had not found out yet.

She asked me when I would give my testimony again at our church. And when I might go back to ministering to others.

I told her that I did not feel ready and it would be a long time before I went back. Honestly I still feel so broken over losing Andrew I just can’t picture going back to a place where I’m supposed to bring encouragement to others…

I would be faking it and others would be able to see right through me.

To add to that, there are two familiar friends I need to say goodbye to before I can serve anywhere. Although they do a good job of keeping themselves unnoticed, anger and bitterness are never too far away. Most of the time I don’t even realize they are there. And when they do pop up I try really REALLY hard to ignore them! Now don’t get me wrong, I am not walking around everyday like a bitter old lady… but I do feel these emotions every now and then and they are plain ugly.

Anger comes over fierce and strong when I least expect it. For example, that same day I was asked to pray over an expecting friend and her baby girl. Initially I was glad to do it and was honored to be asked to pray over her along with other women. As we continued praying I started to think about Andrew and how I had prayed those exact same things over him. Except none of those things came true. What was so different about me Lord? Why didn’t you give doctors and nurses wisdom during delivery? Why did you choose to not protect Andrew? Why did take him back so soon? I felt very angry at God for not answering my prayers they way I had expected.

And bitterness is more subtle- she hangs around like a fog and whispers evil thoughts into my ear. She creates a distance between me and most people. Yes some days I am bitter at people because they will likely never experience having to lose a child. It seems like some days I almost desire this to happen to someone else so that they would have some idea of how I feel. Quite selfish and evil emotions I know.

Part of me wishes I could go back to the life I once had. To the carefree attitude and thinking that really bad things would never happen to me.

But another part of me never wants to go back to my old self.

I am so grateful for the person the Lord is shaping me to be. I am thankful that I don’t health and life for granted. Thankful I don’t get the little things get to me anymore. That I can empathize more with those who are hurting and broken. That I got to know the Lord in an entire different level than I ever thought possible. That I stopped striving to impress others. That I’m not afraid to experience pain like I once did. That I no longer live by ‘works’ but rather rest on His grace. That I have the opportunity to watch God bring forth beauty out of ashes, from the very front row of the show.

And so all of this to say is that my journey of healing is far from over. It has begun with Jack being here, but I know that I have to work through a lot more things before I am at a place where I can praise God with no anger, bitterness, or anything holding me back from fully loving Him.

Below is an excerpt from the book ‘Hinds feet on High places’. It is an allegory book about ‘Much Afraid’ and her journey to the high places where the Shepherd has promised her he would make her whole again. Her journey is not short or easy. She is given two companions to guide her along ‘sorrow’ and ‘suffering’ and she comes to a point in the journey where she is ready to give up.

I love this book because it speaks to me in my most difficult moments.

If you are ever at a place in your life when it doesn’t make any sense, when you want to give up, or you just plain out don’t understand what God is up to- I highly recommend this. It is a beautiful and painful story to read (but it does have a really really good ending!).

This is from the chapter titled 'The Valley of Loss'

As she looked down into the depths of valley, the heart of Much-Afraid went numb. For the first time in the journey she actually asked herself if her relatives had not been right after all and if she ought not to have attempted to follow the Shepherd. How could one follow a person who asked so much, who demanded such impossible things, who took away everything? If she went down there, as far as getting to the High Places was concerned she must lose everything she had gained on the journey so far. She would be no nearer receiving the promise than when she started out from the Valley of Humiliation.

For one black, awful moment Much-Afraid really considered the possibility of following the Shepherd no longer, of turning back. She need not go on. There was absolutely no compulsion about it. She had been following this strange path with her two companions as her guides simply because it was the Shepherd's choice for her. It was not the way which she naturally wanted to go. Now she could make her own choice. Her sorrow and suffering could be ended at once, and she could plan her life in the way she liked best, without the Shepherd.

During that awful moment or two it seemed to Much-Afraid that she was actually looking into an abyss of horror, into an existence in which there was no Shepherd to follow or to trust or to love- no Shepherd at all, nothing but her own horrible self. Ever after it seemed like she had looked straight down into Hell. At the end of that moment Much-Afraid Shrieked- there is no other word for it.

"Shepherd" she shrieked, "Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don't leave me!" Next instant she was clinging to him, trembling from head to foot and sobbing over and over again "You may do anything Shepherd. You may ask anything- only don't let me turn back..."

Pool time

Here are some pictures of Jack from his first time at the pool. He is quite the active little boy and just loved the water! my little water baby :)

A blog about a blog book

Quite the confusing title I know! I am so excited to have finally ordered a book with all the blog entries I've made so far. It turned out really cute I think :) I even got to write a dedication in the front and it has an index of all the blog titles in the book. I can't believe the book is over 62 pages!

Thanks to my sweet friends who encouraged me to order this book! :)

My day off

As most of you know I am off on Thursdays and Friday afternoons from work. I truly treasure this time with Jack, and I try my best to have quality time with him instead of running errands and cleaning the house. That is hard to do sometimes because the house gets so quickly dirty... so it is a balancing act between the two. This post is about what Jack and I did last Thursday afternoon (a more fun than average Thursday).

The morning started off at 6am- Jack woke up, ate and wanted to play. Steve was feeling sick so he stayed in bed a little extra that morning. We went in the back of the house and played together as quietly as possible to let him sleep.

8am- Jack went down for a nap. I took a shower and got ready for the day. Managed to squeeze in a couple of loads of laundry and clean the kitchen. Got all of Jack's stuff packed up in the car- stroller, diaper bag, solids, breastmilk, purse, etc. Just waiting for Jack to wake up! It's amazing how much I can get done when he is napping.

9:40- He woke up, quickly changed his diaper and off the zoo we went. We met our friends Lela and Whitney and their little boys. Both dear friends that I treasure spending time with. There was a total of 5 little boys in this trip.

This was Jack's very first trip to the zoo. When we got there I was so glad to find a Starbucks there- the first thing I did was get a cup of coffee!





We had a fun and relaxing morning. I enjoyed getting to catch up with these ladies on life and raising little boys. Jack was not as excited about the animals as I thought he'd be, but he was definitely very good and laid back.

Jack slept from 1:30 to 3:30 which gave me time to clean up around the house. I really wanted to take a nap, but couldn't fall asleep!

At 4pm we headed off to music class at a church close by. It is another fun way for us to bond and I am learning songs to sing to him. This was our first 'official' class and I was a little nervous about how he would like it.

We were warmly greeted by the instructor (who does not talk in a regular voice, but sings everything she says). There were children of all ages from 6 weeks old to 5 yrs old.


Mrs. Alli singing to the class

We sang a couple of songs, made hand motions, and danced around the room. Jack's jaw was dropped the entire time and he never took his eyes off the instructor. He seemed like he was in a trance. Ummm, does he love it or hate it? Finally I sat him next to me, and he quickly let me know his opinion about the class...


Are you kidding me??

I bursted out laughing. He held this look long enough for me to pick up the camera and snap a picture!

Next Mrs. Alli brought out instruments for the children to play with. Jack put his instrument straight into his mouth and I was assured it was very clean. He still had not given me a smile, while the rest of the kids were having a blast.

Towards the end of the class we did this exercise where I sat Jack in front of me, and by holding his hands out I pushed him back and forth while we sang. I have no idea why Jack found this so fun, but he bursted out laughing!






By the time the class was over he did not want to leave. Pheww... at least he liked it! let's just hope he starts enjoying it earlier next time. I had such a fun time at music class and I'm glad I found a new 'trick' that makes him laugh.

We got home at 5:30 with enough time to get dinner ready and clean up some more. Steve got home around 6pm that night. We then played, gave him a bath, and he went down for the night at 7:30. He was a tired little boy and so was I.

So grateful I got to spend a fun day with my sweet boy. He is such a blessing to my heart!