I’ve had a couple of people ask me recently what they can do to encourage a friend who’s lost a baby. While I do not claim to much about grief and how it works, nor am I an expert by any means- I can share from our experience and what helped us along the way.
1. Don’t be afraid of them
During the first few months after losing Andrew, many people walked on eggshells around us for fear that they might say something that would really upset me. And understandably so- I was experiencing such a wide range of emotions (denial, anger, hope, etc) and I was extra sensitive to what people shared with me. Unfortunately a couple of times I took things the wrong way and harbored resentment that I shouldn’t have.
Since most people haven’t experienced the loss of a child, it's hard to even begin to comprehend what they grieving parents are going through. We ourselves were navigating unchartered territory with little guidance of how to best walk through grief. There was certainly a fear from people that they would say something inappropriate and hurt a person who’s already hurting even more.
I would encourage them to be honest about how you’re feeling with your grieving friend. Let her/him know that you want to be there for them and you don't know how. Let them know that you might say something that rubs them the wrong way and to extend grace when that happens. And most importantly ask them if they want to talk about their child- what he/she looked like, special memories, etc.
I’ve always welcomed comments and questions about Andrew- I am truly thankful when someone mentions his name. But again everyone grieves different so don’t be afraid to ask and talk to your friend about this.
2. Don’t try to come up with a possible reason of ‘why’ this happened.
I had many people share with me their own theories of ‘why’ God allowed this. I know that people share their ideas with the intention of bringing encouragement, but truthfully it often hurt me to hear it. I had people share with me…
- God needed another little angel in heaven
- God used his life to draw us closer to him
- He was too good for this earth
- God didn’t want him to suffer
- God is using this to shape your character
- Maybe he wouldn’t have been saved later in life, so Jesus took him now
While some of these things may not be wrong, we’ll never really know on this side of heaven for sure of why God allowed this pain. Coming up with an explanation doesn’t make things better, sometimes selecting a single reason might make the grieving person hurt even more.
And if your friend ever asks you why… its ok to say I don’t know.
3. Don’t be afraid to join in their pain
Don’t be afraid to cry with your grieving friend. Don’t be afraid of the difficult moments, the pain, the questions, hurt, and even doubt.
Sharing in their pain (if they let you) is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. I know it's not easy to do specially if you haven’t experienced a loss yourself.
Our best friends after we lost Andrew, David and Shelly Clark, were never afraid to talk about Andrew with us. There were a few times when we cried together (and we certainly didn't talk about him all the time) but they never missed an opportunity to grieve with us even though it was difficult for them as well.
4. Don’t be offended if they don’t reach out to you for help immediately.
There were many sweet, sweet, wonderful women who let me know they were available for me to talk to, cry with… and yet I didn’t reach out to them at all. There was nothing wrong with them, I just for whatever reason didn’t really feel like opening up to them. One woman I even started to dislike for no good reason at all except the fact that she was very loving and nice (and yes I admit that was evil of me). She just completely rubbed me the wrong way! Yet about a year later for no good reason at all I started to exchange emails with her and started to open up with her. By this time she had stopped reaching out to me after multiple attempts. There was another mom who had lost a baby herself and knew what I would be going through the next couple of months. She called me, sent me cards, poems, etc. Yet I didn’t really want anything do with her either, but months later I started to remember the things that she said to me and they started to make sense to me. TWO years later I finally started to reach out to her and I’m thankful she was a sounding board and someone who could understand what I was feeling.
Let your friend know you are there for her, and let her decide if she wants to reach out to you. Rest in knowing you did your part and the rest is up to her.
5. Know that pregnancies will not be the same for them
After someone loses a baby, any future pregnancies will not be as carefree as they used to be. Being around other pregnant women will probably not be as joyful and exciting as it once was. Talking about delivery stories may also trigger some painful memories. If it was their firstborn baby, talking about routine things like sleeping schedules, breastfeeding, teething, etc might be really difficult too.
This one is a tricky one. After we lost Andrew I asked all our friends to not treat us ‘differently’ or ‘special’ just because we had lost a baby. Well at the time most of our friends were having their first babies and we were surrounded by newborns all the time.
I remember going to a party two years ago and out of 5 couples, 4 of them had a baby under 1 year old (us being the fifth couple who had just lost Andrew). Our friends did exactly what we asked of them and talked about their kids as they would’ve normally. However it just made it more obvious that we didn’t have a baby. It made my pain more real and I ended up plopping down on our bed as soon as we got home and crying for a couple of hours. But the truth is our friends didn’t do anything wrong, it was just the difficult season Steve and I had to walk through. There was no way around it.
I would encourage you to treat your grieving friend normally but be mindful of what you say and the conversation topics.
6. Remember their baby’s birthday months and years later
When Andrew first passed away I remember the incredible outpour of love and support from our family and friends. Although it didn’t take away the pain of what we were going through, it was definitely a blessing for me (and our family) to know there were people who loved us and were praying for us.
I have had a difficult time this week as I remember Andrew, because he feels farther away from me as each year goes by. My biggest is fear is that I will forget what he looked like and lose the bond I had with him. I don’t want to forget him and I don’t want others to forget him either.
And that’s why I’m thankful for the people who have kindly let me know they are thinking about him on his birthday.
One of the greatest gifts we’ve received is the love of people today. Many months and years later…
7. Pray for them
This one is obvious but definitely the best way to lift up and encourage your friend during this time. I have experienced myself times when I have wanted to take away the pain of a grieving friend and wanting to do everything in my power to make them better. But truly that is not in our power, but thankfully it is under God’s power. So plead with Him to turn their season of mourning into a season of joy.
Some other specific things to pray for: for God to show them great treasures in the darkness (Isaiah 45:3), for mourning to be turned into dancing (Psalm 30:11), for God to bring forth beauty from the ashes (Isaiah 61). For the Lord to use their child's life for great and mighty things beyond our understanding.
Updated April 2018.
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