A Beautiful day for a Pumpkin Patch

It was a perfect fall morning. The Saturday before Halloween, many places around the area where hosting pumpkin patches- Fishhawk, Bloomingdale, the local high school, etc.  Somehow we had managed to not make it to a real pumpkin patch this Halloween season, not because we didn’t want to, but life and other commitments got in the way. I really, really wanted to go- and this would be our last chance before Halloween. 

Except I had promised my friend Ashanti that I would take her out to eat and/or to the mall that week. Ashanti is a 14 year old girl I’m mentoring through the program I Matter Too. I had tried for Thursday but that didn’t work. I tried Friday and that didn’t work either. The only time that worked for her was Saturday. In the middle of that stinking, beautiful, cool day

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I had a decision to make- spend the day with family on a pumpkin patch and take those pictures I really wanted to take. Or take Ashanti to the mall that afternoon. The first thoughts that came to mind were:

What kind of terrible mother doesn’t take her kids to a real pumpkin patch?

What if I choose to spend time with Ashanti that afternoon only to have her ignore and look at her phone the whole time?

It’ll be ok if I wait and take her another weekend. So what if she’s looking forward to it, she’ll understand.

But after prayer and talking to Steve about it, we decided to skip the pumpkin patch and that I would take her out to the mall that afternoon.  I had no expectations of our time. I prepared myself with prayer that morning, that I would have the confidence to not regret the decision no matter how our time turned out. Even if she was having an off day (most of the time we really have a great time), even if she snapchatted the entire time, even if we didn’t talk about anything deep or life changing.

And this is how our afternoon turned out:

We had Chipotle, and during lunch found out we are both obsessed with the ‘The fault in our Stars’. I had just seen it by myself the weekend before and was so excited I could talk to someone who loved it as much as I did!

We met a lady with a really fancy English accent and had a good laugh. The type of laugh that makes you cry.

We walked around stores window shopping and without rushing. Normally when I’m at the mall I’m making a beeline for the store I need to go, so I can be in and out as quickly as possible before my kids have a total meltdown.  

We smelt candles. A lot of candles.

We sang together on the ride home. And we showed each other our favorite songs.

I got to see the world for three hours through the eyes of a 14 year old. There was no mention of poop, sleep training, toddler problems, or managing keeping the kids alive.  I realized that day, most of my adult conversations these days revolved around one of the fore mentioned.

We didn’t talk about anything deep or life changing. But in the last 5 minutes of our time together, as I pulled in to her driveway to drop her off, she opened up about her past. Stuff that she had never shared with me before, and I knew somehow she had grown to trust me that afternoon just a little bit more.

The thing is, for months I have been praying  for the opportunity to love on someone in need, even if it came at a cost or sacrifice.  But once it was time to make a sacrifice, I didn’t want to make it. And I rationalized my way out of it pretty easily.

But this year I will always remember the pumpkin patch I didn’t make it to on that beautiful fall morning before Halloween. Maybe it would’ve blended in with all the other years we’ve made it to a patch. But I hope I will always remember my time with Ashanti that afternoon.

Last thought: I think pumpkin patches are a great way for a family to spend time together and am in no way against them. Hope we can make it to one in Nov or sometime next year!

End of Summer

I can’t believe we are just a few weeks before school starting again. This summer went by quickly- the first half being a whirlwind of events (two weddings and a trip to the Dominican) while the second half was quiet and uneventful. 

The month of July turned out to be a hard month after all. I was doing great up until Andrew’s birthday, and that week the sadness swept in all at once. This year we didn’t continue with our traditions- like volunteering as a family on his birthday, or planning our balloon release (which we did a few weeks later), or even just taking time out of our day to go through Andrew’s things. His birthday came and went like every other day… and that began my sadness.  Looking back I know now that no matter how much time has gone by since he was here, we really need to take that time to grieve as a family. If we don’t  grief has a funny way of coming up in unexpected ways. And sometimes it sticks around for much longer than it should.

This month has been more joyful and busy as we get ready for fall. This year I’ve stepped back from leadership at Jack’s preschool and our MOPS group. Since last spring my desire has been on focus on getting out of my comfort zone, to find a tangible way to invest and give to the poor and orphans in our community. Although respite foster parenting didn’t turn out to be something we could do long term, it was eye opening to see how much of a need there is from children to have basic physical and spiritual needs met. Hundreds, if not thousands of children right here around the corner from where we live.

So there are some things we are doing and I may share them at another time. I can share I’m excited about where God is leading us and I know He is up to great things! Besides my disappointment in that foster parenting didn’t pan out the way I had pictured it would, I know that God is going to use that experience for something good and purposeful, even if I can’t see it quite yet.

The boys are doing well and growing quickly. Palmer is finally starting to talk more, although he’s not saying full sentences quite yet. He is full of funny and unexpected moves, quite the charmer he will probably be one day. And Jack is quite funny as well, these days he’s busy with anything Star Wars related, swimming whenever he can, and coloring as his favorite past time. He is a little man and I can’t believe he’ll be FIVE in just a few short weeks!!

That’s my update for now, hope to post more regularly over the next few weeks. I love writing, but with neither one of the boys napping these days it has become quite the challenge :)

Andrew's 6th Birthday

Tomorrow would’ve been Andrew’s sixth birthday. I can’t imagine how different life would look like with a six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. But I don’t let my mind wander there too much because it would be too painful to imagine all the details of what ‘could’ve been’. Sometimes I do wonder though… how different Jack and Palmer would be with an older brother to boss them around :) I think Jack would be the trouble maker and Palmer would follow right along.

It’s unpredictable how grief can hit hard some years and not others. Last year it was probably one of the hardest (besides that first year), yet this year it has been much easier. But this year has been really hard on Steve. Maybe God knows that one of us needs to be in high spirits to encourage the other one, and so He knows to alternate our years of grief.

One of my greatest fears after Andrew passed away is that he would be forgotten. I wanted other people to remember him, and it was so painful to think that he would one day be forgotten by myself and by others. On March 13, 2009 I wrote on this blog:

I am afraid I will forget how he felt and smelled and I don’t want to. It’s almost as if I want to stay in that grief because that is the only connection I have with him. And if that means crying every time I think about the NICU then that’s fine with me. But I think there will come a point where I will have to move on and not stay in the past.

Over time I accepted that he would be a memory for most people, but I still have a desire to share on the anniversary of his birthday what a great blessing he was and still is. Today I looked back at my very first posts from 2008- and all the ways God was changing and molding me into someone new. As I read them now I am filled with joy and thought I would share some of them here.

But I would like to preface this with: By no means do I believe God took Andrew away to teach us lessons or mold us in His image. I can come up with theories but I do not know why God allows different trials and pains in the life of believers. There are different theologies and beliefs, but all I would like to share below is the GOOD that God brought out of a very devastating circumstance. Not because I read it in a book or heard it in a church. But simply because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt God brought so much good out of Andrew's life, and this is just little snippets of the countless blessings I have seen over the last six years.

He showed me how to love without holding back
November 19, 2008:

I remember asking my husband one night, if he foreknew the pain we would experience of having and losing Andrew, would he chose to go through all of it again? Without blinking he said YES. I on the other hand was not as quick to say yes. God showed me how to love without holding anything back through Andrew. Loving with all our hearts makes us vulnerable to get hurt. It is worth to love this much even though we may experience great pain? Yes. I believe God is molding my heart to be a little more like His- to love wholeheartedly, and to be ready to endure pain if that is what it means to truly love.

I stopped striving for perfection
November 19, 2008:

The day before Andrew passed away, I was on my knees crying and pleading to the Lord to heal Andrew. That is when I clearly felt God say “Carolina, you are far from being perfect and I still love you”. I wanted a miracle, but instead I received another question: Would I still love Andrew even if he was a special needs child? I knew then I could not expect my children to be perfect as well. Perhaps I had expected it all to be so perfect and happy, that I needed to accept Andrew even if it meant pain and suffering as well. Genuine love never changes on the circumstances around.

He opened my eyes to see hurting people around me
December 2, 2008:

God has been given me compassion and genuine interest in others around me. I don’t think God took Andrew away so I could see people hurting people around me. I don’t know the reasons he had for Andrew’s life being so short, they are too far above for me to understand… What I do know is that in the midst of a world of wounded people, I can pass hope to others because I have been wounded as well. I was wounded in the past and healed. I believe God can and will heal me and my family again.

I wrote these and about five other blog posts before I became pregnant with Jack. They were written during a time when we didn’t know exactly what had happened to Andrew and wondered if we would ever be able to have children again. It was a time filled with many tears, guilt, questions, wrestling, doubt, and anger. But despite all of this God graciously used this season for good and to mold us more into His own lovely character. For that I am grateful because I know that will never be taken away.

“As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character”- Hannah Hurnard, Hind’s Feet on High Places

Seeking after Genuine

It has been a while since I’ve written a transparent post. I’ve started writing many times and have gotten stuck, as it’s not always easy to put into words what is going through my mind.  Maybe it’s the busyness and distractions that have come my way.

But I’ve really felt led to write this post. Lately I’ve felt that the pictures I’ve shared on social media are not a true reflection of my life. Because they’ve been pictures of travels, parties, weddings, and fun events- and I don’t want to come across as someone who is portraying a perfect life. My life is also filled with disappointments, tears, struggles, and hard decisions to be made. 

I don’t want the storyline of my life to be centered about me. I want it to be centered on God and living a life that brings Him glory... And lately there has been a mismatch between the two.

I used to seek after portraying a life that others would envy. That changed 5 years, 11 months, and 2 days ago- the day we kissed Andrew for the last time. There were a lot of good things God brought out of our loss, and I think one of the things He did was humbling my spirit. 

I remember the day when one of my best friend’s mom (who had lost her only daughter when she was around 9 months old) kindly said to me: 

Unfortunately you have just joined a club no one wants to belong to. Not one person would trade places with you right now.

And then it hit me- I had worked so hard for so long to impress others, yet here I was standing in a place where no one wanted to be.

But in the months that followed, in the midst of my brokenness, I experienced a deep relationship with the Lord unlike anything I had experienced before. And over the years that followed God continued to mold and shape my perspective- to not avoid the pain of the broken and imperfect things. But instead to embrace them because He embraces them. To know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He is right there in the midst of everything that seems irreparable and hopeless. And to not shy away from that pain.

I wonder if it’s what shaped me to want to be a foster parent. Not that we’ve done a perfect job (in fact I think we’ve done a pretty bad job in figuring it all out!) but I still have a burning desire to reach out to a section of our community whose stories alone are hard to listen to.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve swung to the other side of the pendulum. But then I remember I’m not seeking to be broken or humbled just to be close to the Lord. I certainly still fear trials, sickness, and death.  Perhaps even more than the average person because I know that it can happen to me.

But I stand in the middle- I’m seeking after being genuine. And that’s hard to do sometimes when we communicate through social media.

I don’t believe that God causes bad things to bring us closer to Him as some sort of corrective punishment.  But I do find rest in God’s sovereignty and that I can trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. Whatever pain He allows in my life I know He already has a plan to use it for good. Not just for His glory, not just to draw others closer to Him, but for good in my heart and the story He’s writing in my life.

Something in me changed and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to who I used to be. Countless times I’ve wished that I could turn back time and go back to who I was back then. But today I’m finally comfortable in who I am. I’m really thankful for all God has done in my life and that the many blessings He has given me in the midst of difficult times. They have come at a high price but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.