The Last Year

We are so incredibly grateful for the blessing to be expecting another baby Briggs next year! But I can’t bring myself to share the news without also sharing about what this past year has looked like for me.

It has been a difficult and rather humbling year. After quickly getting pregnant with Jack on our first month, Palmer on the second month, waiting a year to become pregnant this time… well it felt like a very long time. I know it may not seem like a long time compared to those who have been in a season of waiting for many years, but it was still a season in which I struggled and questioned God at times. The longer time went by, the more I felt that God surely was closing this door for us to grow our family.

This season of waiting tested my faith. I prayed countless prayers for another baby, in every way I could think possible. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to do. I ate all the right foods, cut all the bad ones… all the things that had worked in the past that seemed to have helped me get pregnant- and yet for a period my request was not answered with the’ yes’ I was hoping for. It was particularly more difficult on the days when friends announced their pregnancies, and while part of me rejoiced for them there was also a part of me that felt discouraged and forgotten by God.

I knew after 9 months that something needed to change and I began attending Celebrate Recovery. CR is a Christ centered recovery ministry that helps people overcome any type of addiction, hurt, habit or hang-up (and you can learn more about it here). I had been part of this program for many years in the past, and it had always been a blessing to me and brought healing to many different areas of my life.

May 4^th of this year was the day I went back. I remember the date because it was Palmer’s 3^rd birthday, and I unexpectedly broke down that morning in tears at his birthday party, something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. His birthday was particularly difficult because it was a very tangible reminder of how quickly time goes by and how fast children grow up. The fleeting newborn stage is something I had wished away so many times on long, sleepless nights (I had two really colicky babies!), and now it was something I was not guaranteed I would ever have again.

That night I walked back in to Celebrate Recovery at the Crossing Church. Even though I should’ve been at home celebrating Palmer’s birthday with family, Steve encouraged me go because he could see how broken I felt. I walked in with my hair pulled back, no makeup, and a puffy, tear stained face. I quietly made my way to the back of the place hoping no one would notice I had been crying.

Celebrate Recovery did not have all the answers or magical solution I was hoping for. But I realized two very important things while I was there.

First, I quickly realized I simply did not trust God. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? If I could only trust God my worry would go away and it would all get better. But my lack of trust went a little deeper than that. As it turns out I trusted that God was good, that He was sovereign, and that He would only allow something difficult in my life to happen if he could ultimately use it for good. I have had the privilege of watching Him do this time and time again. But the truth is some of the trials He had allowed had also hurt A LOT, and I was scared he would allow something that painful to happen to me or our family again. And that fear of pain kept me from fully walking in peace with Him, and it kept me tied to uncertainty of the future and worry of the pain it could bring.

I also falsely believed I could be stuck in a place of worry and discontentment for years, if not for the rest of my life. What if it just wasn’t God’s plan for us to grow our family? I wondered if I would always have this sense of longing for more children, or feeling as if something was missing from our family. And that fear kept me paralyzed.

From what felt like a very difficult season, I am grateful God took the time to bring to light areas where I was holding back from him. And even though there were many things I surrendered to the Lord, I still was unable to come to a place where I completely trusted him. I certainly wish I had come to that place. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in this place again after being pregnant THREE other times. But somehow I was here, I was stuck, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out.

I realized nothing I could on my own would work. I began to cry out to the Lord for deliverance from being in this place of waiting. I knew He could answer in different ways- with a no (He could’ve changed Steve’s heart and mine), try something different (he could’ve led us to adoption which I would’ve been thrilled with), wait (it will take much longer) or yes (he could do what I was hoping he would do).  By this point my pain was much greater than my own will being done (for a lack of a better word I was desperate to come out of this season) and I was ready to accept whatever His answer was.

I was surprised to find out I was pregnant just a few weeks later. To be honest I thought he would answer with a no. I was taken back to find out I was pregnant but of so incredibly grateful. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not any prayer, my ability to stop worrying, or anything I did on my part to be graced with a yes. I do not understand why God says yes to some prayers and no to others, but I do know when he says Yes it is undeserved, unmerited grace.  

God is a God who delivers from pits. It took me a long time to know He finds no delight in us being stuck in there, no matter how we fall into the pit. At some point I had begun to blame God for allowing me to be in this place, but I don't think His intentions are ever to be in these dark places or to stay there. Beth Moore says it very well: 

“We must never cease to believe God cares about those in physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual prisons. When we are suffering because of captivity (or any other reason) we must learn to cry out! Yes God sees our suffering and cares deeply for us, but acknowledging the slavery is a crucial place towards authentic freedom.  God is intimately acquainted with the sorrows and suffering that result from slavery of any kind. He also has a remedy and is the meter of our needs. Whether we fall victim, or fall into slavery because of our own sin or disobedience… God has deliverance in mind. As long as the sun comes up in the morning, God will keep offering to deliver His children”

-Beth Moore from the book ‘Breaking Free- Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I am not guaranteed the health or safe delivery of this baby, and part of me knows that no matter what happens God would still be in the Throne, He would still be just, and He would still be everything He says He is. I believe that whatever trials I experience here on earth, there will be a day where He will wipe away every tear and make everything new. His word says so… and I hold on tightly to those words on the days where I question his goodness. On the days when I read about Christians being persecuted, wars in the Middle East, mass shootings at churches and schools, and the countless tragedies on the news.

But just for today I am trying to take it one day at a time. I want to rejoice on the miracle that being pregnant is and what joy it has brought to our family, no matter what tomorrow looks like. Looking back what felt like a very long time really wasn't that long at all- and I wish I would've lived more in the present and not in the future as much as I did.

I know at some point down the road I will experience disappointments and trials, and when that time comes I am confident God will be there to meet me with grace, as He has done faithfully in the past. 

In Memory of Andrew's 7th Birthday

Thank you for being here today. It is a blessing to Steve and I to receive so much love and encouragement from all of you.

I’d like to share how Andrew impacted my life in the short 10 days he was here. During the past 9 months God blessed us with a healthy and smooth pregnancy. When we found out Andrew had swelling to the brain and was having seizures, the first thought that came to mind was Why? Had we taken a wrong turn somewhere? How could a loving God allow this suffering to happen?

I desperately dove into the bible looking for some answers.And I never found a single promise from God to shields us from pain and suffering. As I read through the bible those chosen by the Lord were asked to face great trials and dark storms. But they also had the honor and joy of experiencing something greater at the end of their stories:

Mary endured the pain of watching her son Jesus be crucified and killed. But at the end she also had the great joy of watching him come back to life three days later when all hope was gone.

David endured trials and persecution for many years before his time to reign as King of Jerusalem. But once he reigned Jerusalem would have the greatest period of peace they ever experienced.

Job endured the pain of losing all his children on one day and his wealth gone. But in the end of the story, God blessed him with more children, and his wealth was restored tenfold in God's time.

Most importantly, even God himself freely gave his only son to be crucified and mocked, to save the souls of men and women who didn’t deserve it.

These stories remind me that dark storms are only temporary. That God does not promise to shield us from them. He himself endured many dark storms. He promises to be there with us to help us through it and that they too will pass, and there will be joy again in the morning.

I remember one night while Andrew was in the NICU, sitting with sister Elizabeth in our porch praying on our knees for Andrew's healing. My sister looked at me and with all the confidence in the world she said 'It is an honor that God is using Andrew for his plan and purpose. There are people who live all their lives without ever finding the purpose God had for them'. And that brought me comfort. She also told me there were a lot of good things happening around us but because we were so focused on Andrew at the time, we had not yet had a chance to see them. I clung onto these words as they brought me so much encouragement.

There are two main things God has taught me during these last few weeks. The first is to be less judgmental of other people. No matter what walk of life they are from, what they look like, or where they are going... if they have breath and life then God is choosing to give them life because he loves them and has a plan for them.

God also showed me how his love is unconditional. The day before Andrew passed away, I kept thinking about the future and the very high possibility that Andrew would be a special needs child. I wondered if I would love him just as much. And that's when it sank in to my heart- that God's love is unconditional for us. We are so far from being perfect and yet he still loves us, and has all the patience in the world with us. I knew at that very moment that I would love Andrew no matter what deficiencies he would have. I begged God that night to allow us to bring him home with us, no matter what the future would be- we just wanted the chance to love on our son.

God called Andrew to heaven on a Thursday night, exactly 10 days almost to the hour from when he was born. When we received the phone call from the hospital that his heart was failing I felt an incredible peace come over me. The horrible anxiety and desperation I had experienced every second Andrew had been in the NICU was gone. I knew Andrew's life was now in God's hands.

I still have questions and we are hurting over the loss of our precious child, but I can cling to God's comfort. And His promise that he loved Andrew much more than Steve and I did.

Today as I reflect on Andrew's life on what would've been his 7th Birthday. I am thankful for all the joy God has brought back into our lives. He has healed and restored so much, and He has been faithful to His promises. Not because of anything Steve and I did, or any faith we seemed to have- we have certainly struggled, wrestled, and doubted... and continue to this day. But simply because He is a good and merciful God. He is true to his promises, and He is trustworthy even through the most unthinkable of circumstances. Today I want to give him all the honor, glory, and praise for the story he is writing out in our family.

A brief summary for those of you who don't know Andrew's story- He was our son born after a healthy and smooth pregnancy. He was born seemingly healthy at a whopping 8 lbs, 4 oz and a 9 APGAR score. On our third day at the hospital, as we were getting ready to go home he was taken to the NICU where the doctors found half of his brain was not working due to an injury to the brain. They did not determine when it happened and we have never really known for sure. He remained in the NICU for the next seven days and then unexpectedly passed away when his heart failed at 10 days old. 

Quiet Times

I wanted to write about things that have helped me dive into God’s word during ‘Quiet Times’. This is my daily time of reading the bible and praying, a practice I learned shortly after I accepted Christ in college. This is not a post to share or brag about what a good person I must be for having quiet times, but simply to share things that have helped me over the past few years. I have had misconceptions about quiet times in the past, have come to times where I have gotten stuck and in a rut, and there have been seasons where I have been inconsistent or not had them at all. 

These last few weeks I have been digging deeper on what it looks like to not only ‘skim through’ God’s word (as I often do) but to receive all that God intended it to be. For it to be life-changing, mind-transforming, life-altering and everything else God promises it can be. I want that and often I don’t receive that and wonder why. Whether it’s that I’m too busy, inconsistent, etc- I want more of God and less of the world… and somehow I have ended up a little bit more on the worldly side. 

For the last few years I have my quiet times during my son’s afternoon naps. As they have gotten older their naps have turned into ‘quiet times’ for them to play in their room. Because as a friend recently shared- Jesus may have been a morning person, but I am definitely not a morning person! I have never been able to be consistent with getting up early in the morning before the day begins.

But over the last few months, afternoon quiet times haven’t been consistent and when we do have them- the kids always have to go #2. Like clockwork! It’s as if the word ‘go to your room’ triggers something in their brain to find a way to get out of it. Particularly my somewhat recently potty trained three year old who is still learning how to go to the bathroom.  This wasn’t working anymore and something needed to change! I was spending more time scrolling through my phone out of convenience rather than reading God’s word. And I have a feeling that excuse will not hold up in heaven.

As of a few weeks ago I decided to set my alarm for 6am to have a good uninterrupted quiet time. Although I haven’t been perfect, for the most part it has worked really well. My days are so much different when I make the effort to meet God before the day begins.

Here are some of the items I use read quiet times:

-         Jesus Calling Devotional- This is a short daily devotional with a ‘letter’ from God’s perspective and a few bible verses related to the devotional. It is a wonderful way to get started for the day!

-          Prayer Journal- I started mine in 2011 and continue to write in it. It looks very much like this one but in pink. You can make your own with a small three ring binder or buy a new one at this adorable etsy shop

 

-          Travel Bible and Celebrate Recovery Bible- Just the bibles I use. I love the CR bible because it has countless testimonies throughout.

-          Journal- Just a regular journal to write down thoughts for the day.

-          Gratitude Journal- I have started writing down things I’m thankful for at the end of the day again. (using just a small three ring binder).

-          Prayer Journal- A place where I take bible verses for each family member and write it out to pray over them. Or if I’m struggling in a certain area I will pick specific bible verses to pray over it.

I don’t go through all of these daily in case it seems like a lot of stuff. What has been the most helpful life changing thing for me recently has been using the SOAP method on a bible verse..

S: Scripture (write out the verse)

O: Observation (What are the facts observed from the verse)

A: Application (how does this apply to my life)

P: Prayer (Write out a short prayer based on the verse)

Although it takes more time, I have really enjoyed using the SOAP method. It has helped me tremendously in not just reading through something when I’m tired and groggy in the morning, but to really dive into God’s word.

If you have any suggestions on things that have helped you during quiet times I would love to hear it. Hope this post was helpful to you as well! 

Serving in Different Seasons

As a mom I struggle to find wisdom on how to serve outside the home. God calls us to serve Him in the bible, but so often it feels so impossible when our little ones demand our physical attention. And as they grow up their needs continue in different ways, making it almost impossible to ever feel like it is the ‘right time’. 

Sometimes we can push ourselves to serve outside the home and end up neglecting quality time with our family. And other times we can be so focused in our family, that we miss out on something very exciting God may be calling us to serve. I have been in both places: a place of over-commitments, and the place of staying comfortable and not wanting to get out of my safety zone.

It is SO hard to have wisdom and discernment on how to serve. And I sometimes I really wish God would clearly lay out a step by step program of what he wants me to do and at what time. But he hasn’t done that to date, and I have a feeling until I get to heaven that plan will not be handed to me in a piece of paper (as much as I would really, really like that!).

But here is where my questions come to rest- in prayer. In knowing that if I’m praying and asking God about where he wants me to be, that He will be faithful in continuing to open doors and close others.  That has been my prayer lately- that he would close the doors to the places where he doesn’t want me to go or serve, no matter how seemingly good those places may seem.

Sometimes we can look at other women who are serving more than us, and we end up feeling as if we aren’t doing ‘enough’. Just last week I learned of a young mom of toddlers, who started a non-profit to provide shoes for children in Uganda to prevent them from getting gangrene and other diseases. It was this great and successful organization that was doing great things overseas! 

As a friend shared with me this story, she also shared how bad it made her feel that what she was doing was ‘not enough’ in her current season of having little ones. And what breaks my heart is that I think she is doing great things, following after God and all the things He is calling her to.

I have been there as well. Recently I ran into a friend who does so much in my eyes. She has adopted, is currently fostering, and home schools all of her five children. I am always amazed at her gifts, and it is so easy to compare myself to her and feel that I’m not doing ‘as much as I could be doing’. When I start questioning myself, I am reminded that God is in the process of writing out a very unique story in each of our lives and it will never look like the person next to us.  I am slowly learning to embrace my story and not wish sometimes that the chapters written in it were any different.

We have served in different ways over the last few years, and in every season I have asked myself “ Is this really what I’m supposed to be doing??”. From the humbleness that fostering brings, to the exciting (and sometimes glamorous) community events of Junior League, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt 100% certainty that I was doing exactly what God called me to do. But in all times I have rested on this: Knowing that caring for my family always comes first, knowing that I’ve prayed about it, and knowing that it’s ok to try something and fail at it. I have had much less regrets in taking leaps of faith, than never taking them at all.

Right now my heart continues to be in finding ways on how to love children that are in foster care. From the short time that we fostered (and what felt like a big time failure to me), our eyes were very opened to how many children are in our own backyard have such great needs. From basic physical needs like food, to spiritual needs such as learning about who Jesus is. There are many ways to love on these children and I strive to continue to find ways to do so, even though they may be different at times. I am thankful for a path that although sometimes crooked, is going in the same direction.

 

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