Thanksgiving

(I wrote this on Thursday, but didn't get a chance to post it until today).

Today is a day of thankfulness. Although I have been purposely sharing with Jack all the things I'm thankful for, my heart is in a different place. This morning I woke up tired after not sleeping last night and frustrated at my six month old for his fussiness and lack of sleep over the last three weeks. Oh how some days I wish he would've been an easier baby.

I've thought about my friends who have really enjoyed their babies... But I've also thought about those whose babies are sick or not doing well. I have a friend whose five month old baby boy is in the hospital and is undergoing life-saving surgeries. When I compare myself to those who have more I'm discontent. When I compare myself to those who have less I feel blessed. But that's not the way it should be. It's not the way God intended me to be thankful by looking to my right or left. I keep coming back to this verse "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid" John 14:27.

But there is more unthankfulness than that. Last weekend I realized how unthankful I was feeling about our house, when someone gave me a compliment on how pretty it was and I responded with 'Really?'. I was surprised at my own choice of words. As most of you know we have been looking at purchasing a house for a while. Looking at all these bigger, nicer houses hasn't had a good impact on my thankfulness.

And there is more. These past few weeks we have been bombarded with black Friday ads. For those of you that know me, you know that I coupon and love to find a good deal. However I have been spending way too much time figuring out where to find the the best deals, and it's interesting how even 'finding a good deal' can become an idol. This afternoon instead of spending it looking through newspapers and missing out on that time with my family, I hope I can simply enjoy being with them. Now I am not saying that couponing or finding food deals is a bad thing, but personally it has taken too much of a priority and has planted seeds of discontentment.

Last night in our hotel room, Steve, Jack and I stayed up late watching a fishing show on National Geographic. Jack was so excited about being in a hotel room that we let him stay past up his bedtime and we watched TV together. At one point during the show he turned an said to me in a very serious tone 'Mommy, you should go to Walmart, they will meet at your shopping needs' (On a side note earlier on the night, he came in yelling in sheer excitement 'Mommy, there is a toooilet in here!!)

Today I can truly say I am thankful for Grace. God's grace when I fall short of being thankful.

If anyone should get 'gratitude' I feel like it should be me. After all I know the pain and longing of not having a child, and I wonder how some days I can feel so cranky and not grateful for the day to day challenges of being a mom. And last year I wrote 'Multitude Mondays' where I wrote down 1,000 things I was grateful for (yes really 1,000 things!). I took down each day to appreciate every little thing. I am just in disbelief on how far I have come the other way this year.

But I know I can't change myself or how I feel at times, only God can change my heart and how I feel. That is why I'm thankful I don't have to 'improve myself' in this area or try on my own human effort. I can come to God in prayer and confess my shortfall and sin. And I know He forgives me and does not look at my in dissapointment. I can rest in His grace and move forward from there.

This verse sums up for what I'm thankful for today.

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:4-9