More pictures!

Pictures of Jack

Here are some pictures of Jack I thought I'd share!! I wanted to upload more but it takes forever. I will upload some more this weekend!

A year ago today...

Last year on November 30, 2008 I drove down to Lido Key beach by myself to spend time with the Lord. It was a very difficult thanksgiving weekend without Andrew and I remember crying a lot.

I drove down to Lido Key because earlier that year we had gone there with a group of friends on Memorial day weekend, as we've done every year since we graduated from college (all the pictures above are from that weekend). I was about 6 months pregnant with Andrew and had such a wonderful time that weekend. The weather was beautiful, we had been upgraded to a beachfront room for free, we had our own little tiki hut all weekend... it was just relaxing and so much fun. I remember getting up early in the morning and having a quiet time with the Lord by the beach that weekend. I remember enjoying it and feeling such peace. I was so excited for Andrew to join us and everyone else around us too. It was most of what we talked about and how excited we were that he would join us the following year.

So I drove down on a cold Saturday thanksgiving weekend by myself to the same spot where the world had all been so perfect at one time. I had to ask God the tough questions I had been harboring in my heart and leave them his feet. I was angry, mourning, sad, resentful, and broken.There were a lot of things I asked the Lord that day, one of them being another child on that day. Here is a very small part of what I wrote (I couldn't believe I wrote 11 pages!)

I am scared of sadness that will last forever. of pain and hopelessness. Will you please redeems us and grant us a son or daughter. Nothing is too hard for You... Please Jesus have mercy on us and redeeem us and redeem our brokeness Lord.

I long to be a mom more than ever. I long to get up a million times a night. To kiss and love on a child. I long to learn from my children, and to see You in them. I long for Steve to be a dad. For him to use all the parenting skills you've already given him! You shaped him into a great dad! Please Jesus give us this desire of our hearts.

"Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this same time next year and Sarah will have a son" Genesis 18:14

I don't know why I wrote that verse specifically, but I am so glad to find myself here a year later with a son! I am so grateful for the sweet, wonderful blessing Jack is to us and our family. I just wanted to take a moment to thank Christ for answering my prayer on that day. I know He always listens, but sometimes His answer is no, yes, or simply wait. I have not done anything do deserve the miracle of having a child. In fact I probably did the opposite! I fretted, worried, struggled... and yet God's grace was still abundant on us. And for His grace I am thankful.

I am also thankful for being Andrew's mom for such a short time. If I could do it all over again I would do it in a heartbeat! I find rest in knowing the Lord is sovereign over everything and everyone- and if He allowed the unthinkable to happen, I don't have to understand why but I simply have to trust Him. I am thankful He has brought Steve and I through the valley and transformed us in the process. I will never be the same person I was that memorial day weekend on Lido Key, but for that change I am thankful too.

Update

I am loving more and more getting to know Jack. He is such an independent little boy, he definitely lets us know when he doesn't want or wants something! He has a strong little personality, I wonder what he'll be like when he grows up. I think he will keep me running around for sure, he already can turn over from his belly to his back and he did this at 7 weeks! He also continually tries to turn from his back to his belly when we put him on his playmat and gets really frustrated when he can't do so. He is so lovable and I just love to kiss on his little cheeks!

He is also smiling which is SO good for my heart. He loves to smile for dad in the mornings right before he goes off to work. He enjoys sitting on his bouncy seat and looking around, he will be content there for up to 20 minutes! He loves to look towards the TV although he can't see it really. He also enjoys country music, he usually falls asleep to it in the car :)

Motherhood has not gotten easier, in fact it has gotten much harder this past month. He has his off days and sometimes he is really gassy and uncomfortable. I am however past my the deep fog of sadness that I was in that first month. I did have postpartum depression and as a word of caution to any moms out there who have lost a baby- we are at a MUCH greater risk of post-partum depression. I remember taking a questionnaire before I left the hospital to screen if I was at risk for it, and the nurse came somewhat alarmed to tell me I was at a very high risk category. Also our friend Pam who is a doula told me that mothers of twins are at a much greater risk as well.

I was surprised that post partum hit me so hard, specially when I did not experience this depression after Andrew passed away. I was grieving and I of course would cry, but in a different way. I do not wish post partum depression on anyone and encourage to seek help the earlier, the better.

I will try to post updates more often!

He's here!

8 lbs 4oz 21 inches



Jack's first bath

Jack Andrew Briggs joined us Monday Sept 14, 2009 at 1:12 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 4 oz and was 21 inches long. We are so blessed and grateful to the Lord! life has been pretty hectic this last few weeks and haven't had much time to post. I will write more when I get a chance!

Rainbows

Shortly after Andrew passed away, a bereaved mother to a 3 month old told me a neat story. She was wondering how her daughter was doing in heaven and had prayed to have a peace in her heart that she was ok. The one day she started seeing rainbows everywhere- about 5 or 6 the same day! Little did she know, as she sat down to read her bible that night she would across this passage in revelations

"And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald,encircled the throne" Revelations 4:3

She felt peace that night knowing her daughter was not only in heaven, but at the throne of the king! Ever since then I love seeing rainbows. It gives me a little glimpse of the beauty and majesty of heaven.


A picture my sister Elizabeth took on a mission trip to Peru earlier this year


A picture my husband Steve took in Anna Maria island over 4th of July weekend

Andrew's birthday

On Andrew's birthday, Steve and I volunteered at our church for the day. Initially we were going to stay home, but my dad gave us the idea to do something to help others in Andrew's memory. We volunteered for 'Frontliners' a local project headed by our church to reach people in our community. Students from all over the country came to Tampa for 3 days to knock on people's door and share their story of how Christ had changed their lives... and invite them to our church!

We were assigned to drive around with water coolers to make sure the students stayed hydrated. I had hoped that on Andrew's birthday something amazing would take place, but it turned out to be a very routine day- nothing out of the ordinary, no great story to share, we didn't even get to see the rainbow I had hoped for. I was kind of dissapointed we were given a small task at frontliners, while Steve fully accepted the task and gave his very best. He was the best water cooler passer out there! As seemingly unimportant of a job it might have seemed, he did it joyfully and with a good attitude. And that is how Steve is in everything he does. How much I have to learn from my husband! And I love all that the Lord is teaching me through him. As the day went by I realized that I need to learn to honor God through whatever He asks of me. While I may want to honor Him by doing something big and out of the ordinary, I need to honor him in the small things as well.

A year ago I was co-leading a CR bible study. Today I am just a participant. A year ago I was mentoring two ladies at our church. Today I am the one being mentored. A year ago I was the one given my parents advice on various things. Today I don't know what I would do without their daily encouragement.

And so even through a very ordinary day on Andrew's birthday, I am glad that God is still at work. I am so thankful to be able to hear the same message and over and over again to honor Him in the small things. Perhaps in His eyes they are no less important than anything else.

Our friends the Clarks gave us a very special gift on Andrew's birthday. They are sponsoring a child in Lebanon in honor of Andrew! It was another reminder that God can do all things even through the small things.... perhaps they have a bigger impact than I can imagine. Below is last part of Shelly's email (with her permission)

Long story short - Someone is going to provide these children with an education - whether it be a terrorist group, or with the help of Christians supporting these children, they can get a Christian education and be spared the brainwashing and teachings of violence and hate that is taught in the public school system! They said a gift of $$ would provide one child with Christian education for one school year. So in Andrew's memory, I called in and did that.

At first, satan attacked and put the thought in my head that doing that for just one child would not really be able to make a difference in such a broken world, but then I thought of Andrew. His little life had such a huge impact on so many of us and I was reminded that the Lord can do all things. So hopefully we can provide one child with the opportunity to know Christ and he/she will share that with others and slowly, the people of Lebanon can be changed

I love you friend!
Happy Birthday Andrew - we miss and love you!
.

Remembering Andrew

Since Andrew's birthday fell on a Tuesday, Steve and I thought it would be good for us to get together with our family last Saturday to remember him. My mom and sister came into town for the weekend, and we got together at my father in law's house. I was very excited for this time of fellowship, especially because we really haven't had the whole family together since Andrew's memorial service. But at the same time I was dreading the day, thinking at some point, the emptiness in our hearts of not having Andrew would feel unbearable.

It was a very nice afternoon, but a very difficult one! We ordered Outback since that was the last dinner Steve and I had before I went into labor last year. I always used to say Andrew had some chubby outback onion ring cheeks! Such sweet, kissable cheeks.

We finally spread Andrew's ashes behind the river in Steve's dads house. This is such a special place for Steve as he has many good family memories there. We both really wanted this to be the place where we let go of Andrew's ashes which was a blessing.

We also let go of 12 balloons with messages for Andrew. We originally were going to do 10 for each day he was here with us, but it turns out we had 12 family members. It was really neat to watch them float up in the air, as they all stayed closely together. We thought they would probably all go in different directions, but they stayed side by side!

It was so good for us to grieve together with our families over Andrew. I know it would have been much easier to keep busy with other things that weekend and not really face the reality that Andrew is not here with us. But I have learned from my sweet friend Rebecca and Celebrate Recovery to fully embrace the pain of grief. That not talking about it only extends the pain and does not allow room for healing. It is not a fun process by any means, but it is a healing one that allows us to let go little by little.

Below is a verse that I read that Sat morning from my CR bible. I thought it was so appropriate for that day and an encouragement from above to be real, and face with God's grace, what otherwise would have been an unbearable day for us.

"Therefore I will not keep silent
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul"
Job 7:11



My mom and I


My mom in law

Pregnancy Update

Today I complete 30 weeks pregnancy with baby Briggs # 2! I have not provided much updates on this baby thinking maybe if I don't share anything he/she will be fine... but my sweet husband reminded me that God is in control and I'm not. And he has also encouraged me to continue writing in this blog as he seems to enjoy it so much.

And so we continue to fervently pray and hope for this baby to join us! We had an ultrasound this past Monday and are very thankful it went well. The delivery date is getting close, but in my heart it feels like there is such a long way to go. I now know life can certainly change in the blink of an eye- and so I am moving forward with hope, but not taking the miracle of life for granted as I perhaps once did.

I am very thankful for our family and friends for the encouragement and prayer they continue to give us through this time.

Below are some pictures of the nursery for #2!

Hey you its me

When I met Steve at 17 years old being a freshman in college, he used to listen to Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, and DC Talk a LOT! He would listen to them every night. I remember thinking I didn’t really like them all that much. 

Fast forward 9 years later and we were newly married and had just had our first son Andrew. But life took an unexpected turn and our son was in the NICU, very very sick at just a few days old. I was sitting outside our balcony in our small condo, wrestling with my faith and crying out to God. My sister Elizabeth was next to me and we were out there looking at the stars late at night.

I felt so broken and sad that night, and could not stop bawling. I remember my sister Elizabeth speaking some words of encouragement to me which helped me make it through the night. But as we were sitting in my balcony that night I remember looking up thinking this was not at all how it was supposed to be. Andrew was supposed to come home with us after a few days and I should have been holding him instead of him being in some hospital bed. And in the midst of my tears and questions that night, this song came on the radio by Michael W. Smith called ‘Hey you its me’. A simple song that answered my deep question that night: This was not how it was all supposed to be. Was this Andrew's story all along?

Here are the lyrics from that song:

We talk
Walk the walk
Run the race
And climb the ladder, but
If we ever
If we ever should fall…

Hey you its me
True lovers are we
Children under the sun
Two spirits in the name of one

Hey baby its you and me
You know this was always meant to be
Here we are looking at the stars
And you know we have come so very far

I listened to this song over and over again for the month after Andrew passed away. I felt like we had been at the top of the world and fallen sharply. I loved how this song talked about two souls being so intertwined together that we were two spirits under the name of the Lord. I also loved hearing the verse ‘This was always meant to be’ as reassurance that this was always plan A under the Lord’s sovereign will. And I loved hearing ‘we have come so very far’ because all I kept thinking is how short Andrew’s life compared to what we had expected. I had prepared so much, worked so hard, ran the race, and at the end... his life felt too short, like all my work had been for nothing. But in the midst of my wrestling, this song spoke to me-  even though I felt that we had not come very far, I realized his life somehow had come far and accomplished all the purposed God had for him. I am very thankful today for the 10 sweet days we had with him.

And you know what? In any other context this song does not make a lot of sense… it doesn’t really talk about anything. But to me, on that night, and the weeks that followed it made all the sense in the world.

Today I love all DC talk, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Michael W. Smith songs! They are a part of who Steve is and I think they would’ve been a big part of who Andrew would’ve been had he stayed on earth a little longer…

Goodbye Clarks!

Our very dear friends Shelly, David, and Winnie Clark are leaving soon for Charlotte, North Carolina! Part of me is thrilled for all that awaits for them up there- I believe that is where they are being called to go and I can see the excitement they have about moving up there. Another part of me is in denial that they are moving. I don't think it's really going to sink in until a couple of weeks from now.

I love the sweet memories I have with them when I was pregnant with Andrew. We would go to the pool, grill out, and spend a lot of time in their condo (aka 'the dungeon'). My favorite was playing board games in their master bedroom floor and trying to whisper to each other so we wouldn't wake up Winnie from her nap. We sometimes couldn't help but laugh so hard that we would still wake up Winnie!

But I also love the memories I have of them during our darkest of times. During the time Andrew was at the NICU I remember David faithfully calling us every morning at 10am to pray. Shelly joined in after a day or two, and we would conference her in from her office. The four of us would pray, one by one, asking God to take care and heal little Andrew. Very often it was this phone call that would wake us up in the morning as the NICU didn't open to visitors until noon. I loved the encouragement the Lord gave Steve and I through this time of prayer. I felt a peace knowing that even if at times my faith failed and my heart was discouraged, there were three other people by my side who were lifting up Andrew by their own intimate and personal prayers. Now I know our family and home church was faithfully praying for Andrew as well, and I will be forever thankful for that. But there is something special about praying side by side with someone else that just touched my heart in a different way.

I was actually somewhat surprised we remained close after Andrew passed away. I know that such a tragedy is so hard for some people to comprehend and I would not have blamed them if they just needed their space or time apart. But that didn't happen. The jokes and laughter we shared were such good medicine for my heart.

I remember just a couple of weeks after Andrew passed away I started getting small anxiety attacks when I was out with people. I would be in the middle of dinner and out of the blue I would feel this need to go home to take care of my baby. But there was no baby to go home to. Even though I was physically in a place, my mind would often feel that I needed to be at home nursing and taking care of my little one... but for some very odd reason it didn't happen when we were around the Clarks! And that's why I enjoyed being around them- because when I was with them I didn't have this feeling that 'I should be' somewhere else. I could just be and laugh or cry if I needed to. I remember one evening during that time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so much it took me a while to get off of their couch. I am thankful I was given the blessing to laugh with friends in the midst of a very sad and difficult time.

We have gone through lots of ups and downs along with them. I won't keep on going on about them. I just wanted to share little glimpses of our friendship that made them so special to Steve and I.

I am going to miss the daily dozen emails between Shelly and I.
I am going to miss Winnie's flirty smile whenever she says hi to Steve.
I am going to miss David's off the wall and completely inapropiate sense of humor!

Below are some of my favorite pictures


Holding Winnie at 38 weeks pregnant with Andrew


Jessie (my sister in law) holding Winnie outside the NICU


All dressed up for a date night at a yummy Mexican restaurant!


Watching the Tampa Bay Rays game with Shelly at our dumpy condo


Winnie wearing Brett's hat


Steve and Shelly trying to get Winnie to dance to 'Baby got back'


Shelly made these cute matching aprons for us!


Sleepover at the Clarks new home


Out for a Christmas dinner at the Wine Exchange


Shelly, Lela, and I at the December graduation party


Getting Winnie to jump when we first moved in to the house in April


Just wanted to add this pic! Steve's face is priceless


Shelly, Lela and I this Spring

Mission trip to Peru

My sister Elizabeth left on a medical mission trip to the mountains of Peru this past Saturday. I have been so excited for her call to go on a mission trip! I can only imagine all of what she'll see and who she'll connect with over there.

It has made me reminisce about our mission trip to Tarapoto, Peru that Steve and I went to in 2007. We were welcomed by Karen and Angel Oyola down there (the same missionaries who are now welcoming Elizabeth, but they are now in an even more remote place!). Ours was a construction mission trip to finish building a center for the local community. A place where women could build skills and families could come together.

Needless to say I did not contribute very much to the actual construction of this place. Although I did my best everyday and got dirty at times, Steve's strength came in handy as he was able to get a lot more done. We also worked with local construction workers who were ten times faster and better than any of us and only got paid about $5 for the entire day.

One day, Steve, Anne, Kevin, and I, left the construction site to bring a meal to a new family who we heard had just moved into the neighborhood. I remember wondering how they would welcome us and what the experience would be like. And we ended up having one of the most amazing experiences of our lives.

We entered a 10ft x 10ft room. There was no door, and the floor was made up of dirt. The walls were very rough construction bricks and I can't remember what the roof was made up of. In there we found a young 17 year old mom alone with her newborn son... just hanging out. There were no baby toys and no crib anywhere in sight- just a big bed which took up most of the room. In the center there was a sweet baby boy named Angel Gabriel sleeping while the mom watched.

The mom was very welcoming to all of us and asked us to come into her little home. She was very transparent and told us she lived with her boyfriend and they had moved from very far away. Her mom (Grandma) would be visiting the next day and she would be taking a bus ride for 20 hours!! She also said she spent most days by herself watching the baby. There was no park nearby, no TV to watch.

This woman was so very sweet! She was humble and seemed glad to have us there. I could not help but think about all the baby stuff here in the states that seemed like its so very needed. It kills me that when I got pregnant with Andrew I got so caught up with having ALL of the possible baby things out there. I was trying to get so prepared for Andrew's arrival, that I forgot at some point what was really important. A year later, I wish I would not have forgotten about sweet Angel Gabriel as quickly as I did.

My heart broke for the loneliness this young mom was experiencing. I asked our missionaries if they had an extra bible in spanish that we could bring to this young mom. I was so very excited when they found a good one! We went back the next day and brought her the bible hoping that it would fill her mind with God's word throughout the day (I think she knew how to read). The next day when we got back her mom (grandma)was there and we ended up having a long and great conversation. We asked them if they had any prayer requests, and they really opened up about a lot of things. It was SUCH a sweet time and blessing to have been there and be touched by them. I will carry that memory with me forever as a good reminder of what really matters. Having and losing Andrew will also be a reminder of how much I take for granted most of the time.

As an update on baby Briggs # 2 things are good so far. I am almost afraid to write it or say it out loud for fear that something bad will happen or I will jinx it somehow. I complete 23 weeks today and start my 24th week (or 5 1/2 months). I believe in my heart there is no guarantee of what the future holds, and I am trying to focus on the blessing and miracle of just today. I am also thankful for God's grace which does not depend on my accomplishments or failures.


Above is a picture of us inside their little room. The lady in the orange was grandma, and mom was on the very right. I forget who the lady in the white and green outfit was- maybe a sister who came with grandma? Anne is wearing a white hat on the left


A picture of Angel Gabriel in the bed where he, mom and dad slept


A more closeup picture of Angel Gabriel!


A picture of children right outside Angel Gabriel's home

Mother's Day

This year mother's day was bittersweet. Much better than anticipated, but still had some tough moments throughout the day.

As usual we went to Memaw & Bepop's (Steve's grandparents) church which was about an hour north of where we live. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Andrew so it brought back a lot of memories and emotions. The pastor kept going on and on about how being a mother is not just birthing, but doing all the little things for our kiddos- such as getting up in the middle of the night, cooking meals, etc... All things I didn't get to do with Andrew! It seemed like every time he said the word mother (which he said a lot) I was getting jabbed in my stomach. I do not think he meant any harm by his sermon and I extended the grace to not get mad about it. I think he probably just didn't consider the mothers who have had miscarriages or lost their children before they ever got to experience those things.

The church also did a contest to find the youngest mother in the audience and I forgot how old I was! They asked all moms under 27 years of age to remain standing and I of course sat down thinking I was 28! ha ha. Then Steve gave me a dirty look and told me to stand up, but I thought he just wanted me to 'pretend I was 27' just to win! Our family got a very good laugh out of it. There was a mom who was 25 years old in the audience so I would not have won the contest anyway. But for the record apparently I am 27, younger than I thought!! I don't know why I have such a hard time remembering my age.

Of course the only newborn in the audience sat behind us. A little boy probably about 8 months close how old Andrew would be now. And he kept cooing and making noises throughout the entire sermon... I tried so hard not to keep looking back. I thought it was ironic how they happened to sit right behind us as there were no other children or babies in the service. Its a very small church.

In the midst of it all I felt thankful for a good ultrasound on Friday, but my heart was so heavy for my friend Rebecca who earlier that week experienced the loss of her second child. Sunday afternoon our family watched a video that she and her husband gave at their church on the precious life of their daughter Molly Ann Mutz. The message was SO GOOD and I highly recommend it. The link is
http://www.flatironschurch.com/messages/messages.php
and the sermon is called Wasted Pain. I don't think anything has spoken to me that directly and truthfully in a while. I am so blessed to know her and look forward to seeing her later this month.

Sunday evening we went to our monthly bereaved parent group. While most people think this would be realy depressing, actually most parents really enjoy it and look forward to it. I think its because it makes us feel that we are not alone in our grief, and there are other people out there battling the same emotions.

I did not long for Andrew Sunday like I thought I would. I thought about him but just felt happy thinking about him. I showed Memaw & Bepop the scrapbook my mom and I made of him, and they really enjoyed it. I was so glad to show pictures of Andrew and have others remember him on that day, instead of not mentioning him at all. I really enjoy it when other people ask about Andrew.

And I am trying to enjoy every moment with Baby Briggs # 2. I can't imagine what it would be like to possibly bring him/her home one day. In the meantime I am trying to appreciate and be thankful for the time the Lord has given me today.

Trust

I have been struggling lately (let me rephrase that- most of my pregnancy!) with worry about what is going to happen to this second child. I would like a guarantee that everything is going to be fine, and we are going to have a healthy baby... but there are never any guarantees! I have always had a tendency to worry about the future by nature, and so it was a struggle to overcome when I was pregnant with Andrew.. but I did. And then at the end the unimaginable still took place. I keep wondering if I misread something all along... if there were any signs but I was just too blind to see them? Did God try to warn me but I was just too excited or arrogant to see it?

During this pregnancy I feel God asking me to place my trust in him. As I read scripture, I don't feel Him telling me that everything is going to be fine, but I clearly hear that I simply need to trust Him. And yet I am having such a difficult time taking that step! I want a healthy baby that we can raise until he/she is old and gray. I think that is the best for our family. And as I pray I keep trying to convince God to get on my action plan, because I think I know best and I would really not like His plan if its anything else.

But true surrender is praying for God's master plan to take place, not my own plan. My peace should come from knowing that God is in control of everything, no matter how sudden, tragic, or unfair it seems to me. If I really surrender my will to the Lord, I will be content with whatever He decides for our future and this baby's life. I trust that He has eternal eyes, while I only have earthly and short-sighted vision.

So I have really been struggling with trust- I felt a trusted him back when I was pregnant with Andrew and at the end I ended up very hurt.

This Saturday Steve and I watched the movie 'Cocktail'- I had seen it many years before, but for whatever reason I had forgotten the plot. I was quite angry at Tom Cruise when he decided to sleep with this old lady and hurt the girl he was falling in love with. The rest of the movie is spent in him trying to get forgiveness from this girl who he originally hurt for no good reason at all.

Then last night my friend Shelly and I went to see 'Ghosts of girlfriends past'. Any movie as cheesy as it may be, is really good if it has Mathew MaConohey in it! The story line centered around Mathew hurting the one true love of his life because he is too scared to be vulnerable. At the end he tries to make things right, but she asks him the question 'how can I trust you? how do I know you've really changed'? I could definitely relate to that question. Its so hard to trust after we've been hurt.

This morning I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that its pretty silly of me to think God would be anything like Tom Cruise or Mathew McConohey. He is holy, and perfect, and so worthy of my trust! I am assured that at one point sooner or later I will be hurt by friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers, and yes even my husband. But my Lord promises to never hurt me, never leave my side, never forsake me. If there is anyone I should trust it should be Him! No one else will do or even come close.

Now to clarify- I m not implying that I expect the worst from my husband in the future. I am absolutely crazy about him and I thank God almost every night for bringing us together. Steve is a Godly man who trusts much more than I do and loves more wholeheartedly than me. I remember the week that we were in the NICU watching over Andrew Steve told me 'I wish I could trade my life for Andrews'. My first thought was that I would at least think about it for a second. He didn't have to think about it, he simply loved.

I wish I could be more like Steve sometimes. He is the essence of strength physically and spiritually, and such a good protector of our family. I respect him so much and trust his decisions for our family and future. But I have learned to not put Steve on a pedestal (although I must say my family has him on a VERY high pedestal). I have slowly learned that the moment I make Steve the center of my universe, everything falls apart. Simply because He will never be able to meet my needs the way that only God can.

But back to my trust issue with the Lord. While my mind knows God is merciful and good, the pain of losing Andrew tells me otherwise. This pain whispers 'God does not really have your best interest at heart' 'He has forgotten about you' 'He has forsaken you'. And that is the difficult part to overcome- my emotions over what I know to be true. I battle these emotions every day as they bring me down to a pit of worry and doubt.

I have learned in CR that emotions are never good to trust. There were times when I was working out that I wanted to quit.There are times in the morning when the last thing I feel like is coming to work. And there have even been times when I felt like not making an effort in my marriage. But in all of these circumstances I have chosen to do things based on my will and not 'what feels right' or 'what feels easier'. I chose a long time ago to love my husband forever, although the emotions might come and go. In the same way I should chose to trust my God no matter what emotions tell me.

I fee like I am at the tip of making that choice! I am almost ready, but fear is holding me back. Maybe its a daily choice and not a choice I only make once?

Sweet Grace

Last Friday was the first game of the season for Steve's softball. Steve LOVES playing softball and has been in our church league for the last couple of years.

I had made up my mind early on the week to miss the softball game. I remembered how pregnant I was with Andrew last season and the anticipation of waiting for his arrival. I have vivid memories of sitting with friends on the bench talking about baby showers, delivery, and how exciting it would be to have Andrew join us next season. The thought of sitting in that bench again this year with Andrew was just dreadful and that softball field was the last place I wanted to be.

But as I was driving home Friday afternoon God changed my stubborn heart. I had not been second guessing myself, I was perfectly happy going home and getting some much needed rest... But all of a sudden I felt a complete peace about going. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that He would give me the grace to not only make it through the game, but to actually enjoy being there. I knew that this was not coming from my own strength, but God was giving me undeserved grace to do what I simply couldn't do on my own.

Also for the first time all week I thought of someone else besides myself- my husband. I realized that this game would also be difficult for him and he would be glad to have me there.

And so I went and had a great time. I enjoyed the game and no one treated me differently like I feared they might. I was in a short high the rest of the night knowing that I had experienced 'Grace' in a way that I might get to experience only a few days in my lifetime.

I remembered experiencing a 'Grace' day the day of Andrew's memorial service. I felt at peace and was glad to share with others of the powerful impact Andrew's little life had on me. It was a sweet day that I would have never been able to get through on my own.

But not all days feel like this. Saturday morning we went through Andrew's baby things to decorate the new nursery and tears started flooding. My heart literally ached as I thought about how much we missed Andrew. I longed for him to be with us right then and missed him terribly.

Then today I have been struggling with fear. I wish I experienced 'peace which surpasses all understanding' all the days of my life... but I don't. As my emotions of grief come and go, I struggle some days much more than others. And sometimes I simply chose to live in fear because it gives me a false sense of control over my unknown future and this child's. But its so hard for me to not fall into that trap!

I wish all of my days were peaceful and fun like last Friday night. It is days like those which give me hope to get through days like today. I wish I could always make the perfect choice to trust God wholeheartedly, but more often than I care to admit I fall way short. And then again that is where I will find sweet grace again- when I fall short and God still loves me all the same.

New place!

Last weekend Steve and I finally moved into a house! We are very excited as we have been wanting to move out of our condo for quite sometime. We are very excited for the extra room and backyard. We've never had a backyard before or nice neighbors so we are really enjoying living here.

I attached a picture of Steve cooking out for the first time on his very first grill. He enjoys cooking out and having people over, and I enjoy not having to cook! So its a win-win for both of us. And seeing him enjoy it so much just gladdens my heart... there is just something so special about a man and his grill.

Steve's family and my sister Elizabeth were kind enough to come over and help most of Saturday. Moving is never fun so we are very appreciative for the extra help they gave us. Especially because I probably wasn't much help and directed everyone he he.

As excited as we were to move out, I was very emotional the last week at our condo. It was there when Steve and I started our life together. It was there we found out we were pregnant with Andrew, and we made so much room for him in our little home. Oh how I wish he would have come home to what we had prepared for him! It breaks my heart he never got to enjoy all that what we had waiting for him.

It was also in our condo we found out we are expecting again... Andrew is going to have a little brother or sister!!

The night we found out I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard some loud noises from our computer. I couldn't go back to bed and so I started reading book on psalms. Afterwards I felt led to take a pregnancy test. I was in such awe when it came back positive!! I got on my knees and thanked God for Andrew's life and this new one He is creating. And that is how Steve found me. He came over and hugged me and was surprised when I told him the news!! I am 16 weeks (or 4 months) pregnant today! The due date is mid September.

So I am trying to press on forward and leave our old home behind with lots of tears. Part of me is so excited about the future, and part of me wishes I could stay in the condo forever just to stay close to Andrew. But hopefully it won't be too long until we see him again in heaven. Until then we send him lots of love and kisses every night.

The end of the story

So last week I had the interesting experience of watching 'Nanny 911' for the first time. I was puzzled by this show where a British nanny goes for a week into the home of a family who is having problems disciplining their children... it kept my undivided attention the whole time.

This one episode I watched a mom of three children, two boys and one girl, had no desire to discipline them. She stated on TV that rather than dealing with them she would rather ignore them or give them whatever they wanted. She seemed annoyed by anything they did, and her children felt it. I couldn't help but think what a blessing it is to have three healthy children. One of my deepest haunting question surfaced of 'Why is Andrew not here with us today?' We would have been crazy about him and showered him with lots and lots of love. I couldn't help but to wonder if life is simply unfair and God is very removed from this world. Perhaps I had just made Him up in my mind to find something to hold on to.

My sister called me last night because upset because she is trying to do all the 'right things' and everything seems to be falling apart. And she felt like most people around her are doing all the wrong things and everything seems to be going well for them. It didn't seem fair to her and she was sad.

I realized something during my Esther bible study last night... there are times in our lives when things don't make sense. When life seems simply unfair. I even remember a time in my career when I saw evil people succed by lying, taking credit for other people's work, gossiping, etc. And I saw the honest ones stay behind. Yes, sometimes I take a quick snapshot at life and assume it will be like that forever. And that quick snapshot gives me the wrong perception that life is unfair.

But life is not unfair. If I can let go of that quick snapshot of life, and look forward to the end of the story, I realize that God is still in the process of writing the story and is not finished yet! My joy comes from knowing that He will write the last chapter of my life and it will be an unbelievable one. I know that because it ends with spending eternity with Him and my son Andrew forever and ever! He has already given me a sneak peak at what He has planned.

I related a lot to Mordecai in the book of Esther, in the sense that he must have felt frustrated at times too. He was a man who loved the Lord immensely and saved King Xerxes from being assassinated. And how did the King reward him? Not even a thank you or recognition of any kind. Instead the king becomes best buddies with 'Haman' an evil man who was jealous of the king, lied to him, and was evil as it gets. I thought about how Mordecai must have felt life was unfair during that time of his life. And that time lasted for months if not even years. At that time of Mordecai's life he saw his evil enemy succeed... and he left unrecognized and forgotten.

But if I fast forward to the end of the book of Esther, it turns out Haman's evil scheme is revealed and he falls from the top. Haman dies at the end without his fortune and favor from the King. Mordecai on the other hand ends up with the recognition from the King and all the people of the town. Mordecai is elevated in rank, given favor, and even a huge parade is thrown for him! It is the most wonderful ending someone could possibly think of. I could feel the joy as I read the details of those last chapters! The joy of the Jewish people was overwhelming as they all had just been delivered from a large scale massacre. It was only God's handwriting who delivered them and who brought up Mordecai from being forgotten.

And so I am confident that God will write the end of my story as well. I don't know how the end of the story will look like for the family I watched on TV last week, but I hope there is a chapter of grace and redemption. God has freed me from my broken past and hurts and hang-ups... and He loves doing that to others!

Steve reminded me last night is that God also writes the beginning and middle of the book. As difficult as life might be at times, it is the these moments that shape us into who we are supposed to be. And without these temporary trials there would not be a happy ending.

That was eye opening for me. As much as my emotions tell me at times that God has temporarily forgotten about me, I remember that even though this season of my life feels pretty dark, His handwriting is there too. And there is a purpose and time for each chapter of His story.

Update

Ok so it's been a long time since I last wrote something and Steve reminded me the other day how much I enjoyed it. I guess I felt in the first 6 months after losing Andrew God was showing me so much and was very excited to share it with others. Great changes were taking place! And great changes are still taking place, but I have been in a place of a much deeper grief lately and so I've stayed much more private. I have not only missed Andrew, but LONGED for him in ways I haven't before. I desperately long to hold him and kiss him. I am afraid I will forget how he felt and smelled and I don't want to. Its almost as if I want to stay in that grief because that is the only connection I have with him. And if that means crying every time I think about the NICU, then that's fine with me. But I think there will come a point where I will have to move on and not stay in the past.

But things haven't all been so difficult. I have been weepy and experience emotions I had never experienced before, but a lot of good things are taking place. This past week Steve, Steve's dad, my sister and I traveled to Mexico to spend some time with my dad. It was really good to see him and make some memories with him. It was such a blessing!

Also I have been LOVING my Monday night Esther bible study: its tough being a woman. My sister Elizabeth is doing it with me and that encourages me a lot. I can relate a lot to Esther and I'm truly enjoying everything I'm learning. It is almost as if reading a good novel too: There are parties, betrayal, drunkeness, breakups, tragedy, celebrations, gossip, secrets... who needs people magazine?

That is all I have for now. I will try to write more often in the future :)