Christmas, Grief and Advent Baskets

Two years after Andrew passed away we started a family tradition of organizing an Advent Basket for other families walking through grief during Christmas. I came across the idea in a blog- from a mom who had also lost her child and shared how helpful this basket had been for her. This is such an easy, practical and tangible way to encourage someone who's lost someone or is walking through a difficult time.

The basket contains 25 small gifts for each day of Christmas. Each gift is wrapped, numbered, and has a bible verse taped to it. 

This year we worked on two baskets- one for three boys who lost their mom to cancer, and another one for three kids whose mom will be in the hospital for an indefinite period of time. Working on these really reminded me to be thankful.

Even though it’s been many years and our Christmas seasons these days are filled with joy  I still remember walking through that first Christmas without Andrew. 

I remember sometimes waking up in the morning and forgetting for a few seconds of all that had happened... and then remembering that he was gone. And the weight of the loss coming back.

I also remember having perfectly normal conversations with people and then going home to cry for hours. 

I still remember feeling a knot in my stomach as Christmas Day approached hoping I could figure out a way to skip it altogether. I knew what was supposed to be a day of celebration would instead remind me of the empty space Andrew had left in and the pain we felt.

That Christmas we spent most of our free time with our dear friends David and Shelly Clark. I believe God placed them in our lives to encourage us during this season of grief and I will always be grateful for them.

It was that New Year’s Eve that I got pregnant with Jack. And that January Shelly and I would surprisingly find out we were both pregnant, and God would graciously bless us with two boys later that year. 

Part of me is glad to have walked through this pain so that we can all these years later have a glimpse of what is like to walk through grief. Grief can be so much heavier, last so much longer and linger into so many more Christmas seasons.

Somewhere in getting ready for Christmas day, school programs, shopping, etc it’s easy for me even to this day to lose perspective of what's important and easy to get caught up on things that are not. I am thankful for this Christmas even though it's been far for perfect, (particularly the awful flu-like sickness that hit our home this week). This week has been filled with cleaning up throw up, keeping fevers down, holding babies, and surviving this sickness. Which I wouldn't have been able to do without Steve's help and him taking time off work to help.  It's been really hard and easy for me to throw myself a big pity party (and believe me I have). But as I remember Andrew this Christmas, I'm reminded of the big picture. And there is so much to be thankful for. 

Wishing everyone a very wonderful Christmas!

Lillian at 18 months

Time is flying by and wanted to share on update on Lillian. I can't believe she's already 19 months! I still remember Jack being this little not too long ago, and now here he is as an 8 year old... its bitter sweet to watch the little years go by. They sure feel slow when you are in the midst of it.

Lillian is full of life but she also is completely exhausting. She is all smiles and hugs, and yet she loves to climb and explore anything she can find. She is snuggly and loves to be cuddled, but she's also bossy and loves to tell others what to do. She is such a mixture of joy and worry to me! I have found her with small batteries in her mouth, eating lego pieces, climbing on top of tables, and jumping on beds. Seriously, many days I have wondered how she has made it through and I know that its none other than God's pure grace. Because if it was up to me and my parenting skills I would've failed BIG time. I thought I would surely be more prepared after being through this a few times.

Her first year of life people often asked me if it felt 'different' having a girl after having two boys. And honestly it really didn't feel that different other than I got to dress her up in girly outfits. But now that she is almost 18 months her personality is starting to come out. I am amazed at her attraction to necklaces and bracelets, anything sparkly, princesses, and my makeup. It's incredibly to see how God wired boys and girls differently and it can be seen at such an early age. And I find it funny because I'm not really a 'shoe' person, nor do I have anything sparkly, nor are there any princess books or movies in our house. We really have mostly legos, boy toys, and all kinds of truck books. This is all something coming from her! So yes it does feel different now as I start to think about all that comes with raising a girl. It feels strange, exciting, and certainly overwhelming at times.

Boys I know. I've read the books and have the experience. Girls I know nothing about. I haven't read the books, don't have the experience, or have the faintest clue where to start. They feel so much more fragile and vulnerable to things boys are usually not prone to. They can be emotional, nurturers, and relationships with other people are important to them. These days when Palmer and Jack are upset or in trouble, Lillian runs to them to give them a hug and pat them in the back. She is a nurturer by nature. The boys were so different at her age!

I am crazy about her and still can't believe she's part of our family. I am also so worn out at the end of the day from holding her and trying to figure out what she is trying to tell me. She has quite the opinion on what she likes and doesn't like, and has a hard time telling me since she's not really talking yet. She has been evaluated for speech, and although she's a little behind she seems to be on track.

Lillian,

I am praying for great things for you. You are loved deeply by your family and by Jesus. I tell you that every night as you go to bed and I hope that you will always be firmly grounded in that truth.

You have brought so much joy to our family. I hope I will remember all the things about you at this age that love about you and yet drive me crazy.  Like how when you are tired you suck on your thumb and twirl my hair at the same time. Or how I find you talking to people on Christmas cards some days. And how you have a crazy attraction to my makeup bin and that is where you seem the happiest and most calm.

I often wonder about what the future holds for you and I'm scared of all that it may bring. But I am trusting that God has his hand over you, and that even in the disappointments and trials He will always protect you as He has to this day.

We love you Lillian Josie Briggs.

On Andrew's 9th Birthday

Every year on Andrew's birthday I've written a blog post about him. But this year is different... I don't really feel like writing or sharing much on how we're doing. It’s been a physically and emotionally exhausting week in our family for different reasons, and it would be much easier to curl up in my couch and not think about anything today.

However I know from experience if I don't take the time to remember him on this day, a great sadness takes over me. It is a subtle sadness and it lingers for days and weeks. I know how important it is to grieve and allow myself to be sad, especially on his birthday and the day he passed away. Because even though it’s been nine years I still think about Andrew every day.

Sometimes when I get caught up in the petty and temporary things, Andrew pops up in my mind as an ever present reminder of what’s really important. Of how blessed I am on this day to have health, a husband, and three healthy children. When I am tired and my kids are driving me crazy (and I want to throw up a white flag and quit on this whole mom thing) I remember the countless times I would’ve given anything to be a mom to Andrew. To be up in the middle of the night when he was sick, take care of him when he was clingy, or even deal with his temper tantrums and difficult days. Yes I longed for those hard days I didn’t get to have with him. And sometimes when I’m really struggling and my one year old refuses to sleep at night, I will silently mutter a ‘Thank you God that I get to stay up with her’ tonight.

Today we are going to take a walk on Bayshore as a family and then out to Outback. Bayshore was the very last walk Steve and I had before I went into labor with Andrew. And then that night we went out to Outback excited and in anticipation that Andrew would join us any moment! Both places remind of us Andrew and it will be nice to take the kids there today.

Thank you to those who have sent texts and notes today. It means a lot to us that he is remembered and loved even after all this time.

The past month

The month of January was a wonderful month filled with milestones for our family. I was slightly sad to be off social media on this month because I missed out on sharing so much of our lives. But I am glad I've stuck with it since I've sensed the Lord leading me to give it up for some time and it truly has been good. Now I'm even extending it for longer.

To go all the way back- Here is a picture from New Year's Eve in our front porch. The kids had a blast staying up late and watching fireworks. 

The second week of January I had the honor of hosting a baby shower for one of my dearest friends Laura and baby Lucy Grace. It was so fun hosting another shower for her, especially since we hosted a shower three years ago for baby Selah here too!

In January Jack also came first in his class for a spelling bee contest. From that he competed against other first grade classes and qualified to compete outside of school. So in a few weeks we're heading to Clearwater for another spelling bee contest. Who knew we would one day be going to spelling bee contests?

January 21st was Steve's birthday and we were able to go away for a night. We enjoyed being away from the kids (oops did I just say that?) and having some time to ourselves. We were able to go down to Anna Maria and watch the sunset a few times. We didn't take pictures while away- not big fans of selfies!

January 22nd we dedicated Lilian at our home church FishHawk Fellowship. It was a very special day because we waited for what seemed like sooo long for her, that it was a joy to dedicate her back to the Lord. I truly am so thankful she is part of our family and I thank God for the gift of her life everyday... some days I still can't believe she is here!

My mom and Godmother came into town and it was even more special they came. My Godmother has known me from the day I was born and she has been always a big part of my life. 

January was a very blessed month and I'm thankful for all we experienced! 

Digging Deeper

Life seems more quiet and less filled with distractions being off social media. It has been hard to stay off in some ways, but on a good note it has been so much easier to hear from God during my quiet times. And they've been more consistent and regular. A big reason why I decided to take a break was because I hadn't heard anything from the Lord in months and He felt distant... and I was growing frustrated. It has been a joy to be able to hear from Him slowly again.

A post on Lillian

With my social media break I thought I would take the time to write about Lillian and what it’s been like to have her in our family. I get asked that question often, and for some reason it’s a hard question to answer. She sure has been a joy and a delight to our family, and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling that way. I think its because I don’t ever want to put her on a pedestal or focus on her so much that she becomes the center of my world.

It also hasn’t been an easy last 9 months. Adding a baby has been exhausting! There have definitely been adjustments, sleep deprived nights, tired days, and days where I wondered how I would make it through the day. 

I’m so thankful for the great bond with Lillian from the time she was born. I definitely think a big part of it was having more skin to skin contact after she was born (something I didn’t get with the boys, but I insisted on to my doctor and the hospital this time around).

Also with both of the boys my mom came in town for the first 10-14 days and helped me tremendously with them. She would rock them to sleep and hold them endlessly for hours. I took that time to recover and try to catch up on sleep! But when Lillian was born my mom was very sick and wasn’t able to come until after a week or so… I was devastated and wondered how I would ever make it through! But looking back it was a blessing in disguise, because those early days allowed me to spend more time with her and develop a good bond with her. Steve of course always helped tremendously, but he usually held the fort up with the boys, meals, the house, and school. No easy task.

The first three months were very hard. She had severe reflux and that made for a sleep deprived and fussy baby. After she was put on medication she made a huge improvement and was able to sleep longer at a time. One thing she always had going for her was that she never had her nights and days confused. She would always sleep great when it was night (waking up to eat but going right back to sleep) and she was a horrible napper during the day. These days she sleeps through the night from 7pm to 6:30am and has been doing that for a few months all on her own. She’s in a pretty good napping routine, although recently she’s been changing it up on me as babies often do around 9 months.

Her nicknames in the house are: sneaky ninja (because you’ll sit her somewhere and two seconds later find her in a different room), sweetie-heart (by Steve).

She loves sweet potatoes and bananas. You mix any rice or vegetable with either of those and she’ll go to town. I’ve also struggled SO much less when it comes to feeding her. I had such a hard time with the boys but I think it was mostly my fault. I would always spoon feed them baby food (and often force them to eat when they didn’t want to) and with her I’m allowing her to pick up more finger foods in her own (and never forcing her to eat). I think she likes it and it gives her a sense of control. She doesn’t get as bored during mealtime and has been a great eater thus far. She even loves raw peppers??! Who would’ve thought.

I see a lot of Andrew when I see her. Her and Andrew where both born with the same blondish-strawberry hair. They both had round faces. They both had extremely big fingers and toes. Although for the first six months she truly was the SPITTING image of Palmer.

I am so in love with her smiles and giggles. She laughs often and I’m soaking every moment in. It probably helps she has two older siblings entertaining her every chance they get. The house feels quiet and empty when they’re at school, and I even feel bad for her because I can tell she misses having them around.

I am thankful to have a daughter. And while I am thankful I also know in my heart that having a daughter does not complete me as a person, or is in any way better than it would’ve been to have another sweet boy. I have heard comments along these lines from so many people and they are far from the truth. I know how difficult it is to even become pregnant, that any child God chooses to give us is a great honor and a blessing.